Encouraging Words For Children And Youth
Auntie Artichoke Says: Children need encouragement. They need to have you cheering their progress and celebrating their success.
Greeting to those who love children;
As caring adults who want to find methods of encouraging positive character traits in the children and youth we love or work with, we want to give messages that reinforce their efforts. There are really only two kinds of messages that we can give young people–
- Hurtful ones that diminish or belittle them as individuals and break the spirit. The result is that we dis”couarage’ them from trying again.
- Love signals in verbal and non verbal ways that give them courage to keep trying, to celebrate talents and possibilities.
Children Prefer Beatings to Being Ignored
When I first heard that statement, I was shocked and saddened. As I have visited with those who suffered childhood trauma and abuse, they have shared the feeling that they were invisible, except for the abuse. No child should feel that way. Ever.Ever. Ever.
We often read about the commercial messages that our children are bombarded with each day and become concerned that they will believe erroneous advertising. The messages they receive from their parents and peer group is much more important and has the power to deeply alter their self esteem and identity.
Body Language is Communication of Relationships
Not all signals and sentences come from what we say, but rather how we act when we are present with our children. The crook of an eyebrow, a gesture of the hand, the pat on the back, the wink the smile, the frown, the crossed arms and impatient look are all gestures that speak volumes to others.
What is the message that a smile and a hug sends to a worried child on test day? We are encouraging them to do their best and letting them know that we love the person they are, not the test grade. When we rub our child’s back before bed, or snuggle close to watch a favorite movie we are sharing non-verbal words and encouragement.
Words to Encourage Positive Behavior
- You are very special and I have confidence you will find a good solution.
- I am impressed by how kind you were last week to our neighbor.
- You are a problem solver. Can you see what has to be done next?
- That took a lot of courage. I was impressed with your bravery.
- It looks like you are understanding the math problems. It feels good to finally “get it” doesn’t it?
- You have a good brain, I am interested to see what you think about this?
- You have really made some good choices this week. Good job.
A simple message given to our child becomes their truth and that truth then becomes their belief system and ultimately their self confidence and esteem. Thoughts and belief system govern their actions, their satisfactions and their joy.
If you would like additional assistance on encouraging words please see http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com
You will be glad you did.
Your friend, Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
PS: Would love to have you visit our community
What Is My Responsibility
Hello from beautiful Missoula:
Assuming personal responsibility is one of the measures of a mature individual. This is a goal for each of us and one we want to teach our children. This act of assuming personal responsibility is the willingness to think for myself and to act wisely with choices from my own mind. Others may have influence over me and may instruct, give tools, assist, and try to persuade me to go against my best interest. However, I do not grant others authority or my consciousness or follow blindly when I do not understand or agree.
When one act responsibly, it is with the agreement that the achievement of my happiness is my own job. No one else has the power to “make me happy” or “make me mad.”
I know that I, alone, am responsible for my life, well-being, attitude and actions in all those areas that are open to my choice.
What is Not My Responsibility?
Just as I determine what I am responsible for, I need to recognize and acknowledge all that I am not responsible for. I can control my own actions and thoughts, but I am not responsible for control other people’s thoughts and actions. I can influence them with new information or ideas but do not have the power or the right to control their minds and lives.
As parents, we have a responsibility to teach character traits and values. Does this insure that our children will not reject the teachings and make wrong choices? No, each individual has the right to make choices for their lives. Sometimes parents in my parenting classes will be racked with guilt because they taught and modeled honesty and their son still shoplifted.
Lack The Power To Control Others
Many feel that it is their responsibility to help others make wise choices. They imagine themselves to posses a power no one posses; the power to determine the choices another person will make. If we learn that we do not have control over the minds and lives of others, we must also accept that we do not have complete and unlimited control over our own lives either.
Forces Beyond Our Choices Occur
It is a hard lesson to learn that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Individuals do suffer through no fault or responsibility of their own. Choices are frequently very limited. All of us are affected at times by political,economic, environmental conditions that we do not choose. We do have options, that are within our responsibly, of how we react or respond to those forces.
You are invited to claim your free ebook on Use Encouraging Words at http://www.useencouragingwords.com
Auntie Artichoke Asks- What is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility?
Confidence and Self Esteem – How Does Your Child See Herself?
Auntie Artichoke supports parents, grandparents, teachers, day care providers and all those who love children. Thank you for your important work.
Hello From Montana:
When you speak to your child, can you count more negative or positive words coming out of your mouth? Formal studies with learned psychologists have shown that it takes at least seven positive comments to undo a negative remark. My own informal studies working with parents and families tell me that many of the hurtful things said to children by parents and teachers never go away.
Plant Positive Thoughts in Garden of the Mind
Our subconscious brains are like gardens and what is planted there will multiply and grow in our thoughts and actions. Children internalize the words and actions of adults that they trust and love. If the messages you send through verbal and non verbal (body language) communication are negative or demeaning, the child will lose confidence in herself and her ability to affect her life for the better.
How does the child see herself when she looks through your eyes? If you are giving out labels of incompetence, lazy or stupid, you can count on your child believing your assessment of her as a person. If the message you send through your words, actions and attitudes is mistrust, disappointment, fear, worry or lack of confidence— those negative attitudes will slowly, but surely erode away the self esteem.
Example of Mother and Daughter
In my parenting workshops, I sometimes use the example of a mother and daughter with the daughter holding a piece of paper in her hand. Every time the mother makes a negative remark, demeaning comment or judgment about worth, the daughter tears a piece of the paper off and allows it to fall on the floor. When the mom makes a positive comment, we try to stick a little piece back on, but it frequently doesn’t stick.
It is a powerful visual reminder to parents to correct the behavior but not break the spirit of the child.
What Do You Like About Your Child?
How often do you compliment your child’s character strengths? I challenge you to frequently ask your child “Do you know what I like about you?”
These are the qualities of the heart. The important parts of what makes a good person. These are the values to be celebrated;
- generous attitude
- helpful to others
- kind to animals
- dependable
- fair
- friendly
- grateful
- honest
- loving
- sincere
- trustworthy
- loyal
- truthful
Whatever character traits you recognize, encourage your child to look at herself with an optimistic attitude. Help her to affirm all the qualities she has that will help her in her life. Assist the self confidence and self esteem in children and help them to see themselves as empowered to not let outside influences determine their worth. Hopefully, when your child holds up a mirror on her life she will see a strong, vital and worthy woman who is confident in life.
You are invited to http://www.ConfidenceClues.com
for even more information to empower your child to be self confident.
Your friend,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
Teasing On PlayGround – Words Can Hurt
Hello from beautiful Montana:
Not only in Montana, but all over the world today children and teens are dreading the lunch bell. Why? Because they know that they will be teased, tormented and bullied when they are in a common area with other kids. Harsh and ugly words and phrases are hurled at the child and usually in the presence of classmates, which is embarrassing. There are usually power struggles for “Queen Bees” and the “Wannabees” in girls and the “Alpha Male” in the boys. Teasing and trading insults may be a way of getting acquainted or finding the group of friends who are friendly to the child.
Friendly and Unfriendly Teasing
If a child’s self esteem in grade school is dependent on relationships with peers, they need to learn to not take every remark as a personal insult. Hopefully, you and your child can understand that teasing can be friendly or unfriendly. Even saying a phrase like “Hello” or “Get out of here” can take on many different meaning with a change in tone of voice and body language.
Most communication is non verbal and so the child has to pay attention to not only what the other children say but how they say it.
Verbal Language is Exchange of Information
The words and greetings exchanged on the playground can often depend more on the mood and experiences of the speaker than on the one being addressed. However, people in general and children in particular, tend to personalize anything that is said. Helping them to interpret words and gestures to understand what the intent is behind the words.
Non Verbal Language is Communication of Relationships
Most emotional and relationship connecting people is nonverbal. So to understand other people the ability to read body language is huge. Some children, because of their difficulty in reading other people’s cues (especially in groups) need to practice and role play interacting with others. Children also need to have confidence in their ability to like and be liked by other people.
Teasing on the playground will be easier to interpret by children who have gained some understanding that relationships bring pleasure and belonging along with the flip side of disappointment and frustration. Here are some non verbal cue and clues to help them:
Clues for Unfriendly and Friendly Teasing
Hostile facial expression Smiling facial expression
Sarcastic tone of voice Joking tone of voice
Fists, Arms crossed Hands open
“In your face” Standing next to child being teased
Encourage Your Child To Problem Solve
When the child complains that they are being teased with hurtful words, the parents naturally feel the hurt as much or more than the child does. Be careful that you are not setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. Teach them the skills they will need to help themselves. If you would like assistance in encouraging your child, please go to:
http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com
In support and joy,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
PS: Help your kids to assume personal responsibility for their feelings and emotions. You will always be grateful and so will they.
PSS: Be sure to take a look at this http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com
Parents – Child’s First and Best Teacher
Hello;
As a relationship author and parent educator, I am often asked to speak about many topics concerning families. It is such a treat to see parents taking responsibility for raising kids that are kind, thoughtful, creative and respectful of all. When I see parents and teachers working together in partnership, I know the child will be successful.
Teachers Enhance What Parents Have Taught
Parents, child care providers and extended families have few responsiblities more important or more rewarding than helping children to learn. The love of learning is a pattern that is established in early years and then enhanced as the child and subject matter grows. As a parent, you are your child’s first and best teacher Children learn what is modeled and appreciated by the adults in their life.
No Need To Be A Teacher To Teach
Many parents tell me that they don’t feel qualified to teach their children. I disagree. The best education is an ongoing endeavor and you and your child can learn together. Use your daily activities to informally teach your children about reading, math, geography, and science as well as to be an observent part of the world around us. There is a huge connection between academic knowledge and the skills you use and share every day at home and work.
Children Are Naturally Curious
During their pre-school years the child’s brain is developing at an amazing speed. Even though your daily activities may seem boring to you, to your child they provide a wide view into the world around them. The most important things you can do to assist your child’s brain to expand is to read, sing and talk to them every opportunity you have.
When they are able to connect words and language to daily experiences, they are more apt to seek out even more and exciting information. When you read to your child, they almost automatically learn about written language, tone of voice, facial expressions and that reading is a fun thing to do. Show them the shapes of letters and help her find her initials in the book or newspaper.
Work and play can be a great learning time. When your child is in the kitchen with you, encourage them to taste,smell, feel and describe the different foods. Talk to your child as you prepare meals and answer his questions. Be sure to ask him what he thinks the answer is. Help the creative juices to start flowing early in life.
Research has shown that children who have a good vocabulary and are aware of the names and sounds of letters when they begin school, learn to read sooner and consistently do better at studies. Parents, grandparents, care providers and extended families are the first and best teacher to the children they love.
I salute your important work with raising responsible children. You will want to claim the free report on responsible children at http://www.kidschoresandmore.com
You will be glad you did.
Your friend,
Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
Chore Charts For Children In Elementary School
Developing responsibility in children is important in most families. As I work with parents, grandparents, teachers and other caring adults who work with kids who are in school, I hear the following questions about responsibility;
- How do I get my child to do homework
- How do I get my child to clean his room
- How do I get my child to do his chores
- How do I get my child to feed the pet
- How do I get my child to practice the piano
- How do I get my child to speak to the family with respect
The problem is that responsible and acceptable behavior is different for every person and every child. When children are in school there are lots of new and exciting adventures that take their thoughts and energy away from the task at hand.
Difference between obedience and responsibility
One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn is that you can’t make anyone do anything long term. You can force your child to do their homework tonight by yelling, screaming and threatening, but I promise you he will dislike school and you.
The difference between obedience and responsibility often comes down to this simple distinction, Who owns the problem. If you realize that the dog is hungry and you fix it by filling the food dish, but punish or yell at the child, you still own the problem. You will be telling the child to feed the pet every day and he will expect you to tell him and then lecture or else feed the dog.
Obedience needs no agreement or buy-in from the child. The motivation comes from an outside force, in this case, you making the child feel guilty.
Responsibility, however, involves the acceptance and understanding of the natural (the dog has no way to feed himself) and logical (the child feeds the dog before he eats breakfast and dinner) consequences.
Chore Charts Tell Child What Is Expected
When the parent is in the telling position and the child is in the doing position, which means the child won’t do if the parent doesn’t tell. The chore chart is a wonderful tool for pulling adults away from always telling the child what to do and when to do it. Chore charts shift the responsibility to the child and makes the chart the regulator and judge, not the adult.
Chore Charts or job lists or behavior calendars get the emotion out of the situation and strengthens both independence and responsibility. The best advantage of a chore chart that has been agreed on at a family council is the “buy-in” from all parties. Everyone knows what is expected to be done and the time frame for accomplishing said task and have decided and agreed on the consequences if it is not done.
Schools are not the teachers of responsibility. Their job is to enhance what has already been learned and modeled in the home and care giving situations. Those of us who love the child need to find methods and techniques to help the child to assume personal responsibility for their decisions and actions. We increase the odds of teaching the child to work independently by being consistent and realistic in our expectations.
Be sure to check out http://www.responsiblechildren.com for a free report on “30 Ways To Get Your Kids To Help At Home.” You will be glad you did.
With gratitude for the important work you do with children,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
PS: Do you know an organization that is looking for a dynamic keynote speaker on responsibility?
I give a very generous finder’s fee.
Parents – Positive Feedback Changes Habits
Hello from beautiful Montana;
Parents, ask yourself - Would you like to work for a boss who never complimented your efforts? Who only commented on what you had done wrong? Would it make you a more loyal employee to receive positive feedback and encouragement on the things you were trying to learn?
You would be more willing to change habits or ways of doing tasks if your instructions were not always negative and demeaning.
The answer is no! None of us like to be in a negative environment where we are discouraged from trying new methods or ways of doing things. Being told to do something only one way stifles the imagination and limits the use of creative freedom. Work can be fun if we feel empowered.
Many workplaces and homes do tasks in the same old, same old way. It is not an adventure to clean closets or pick up clothes, but a drudgery and a habit to do it the same way. Giving the parameters of a job and then allowing the freedom to find new and better solutions builds confidence and independence.
Change Your Responses to Change Bad Habits
If your child habitually drops his coat on the sofa when he comes home from school and that annoys you, have a brainstorming session with him and let him come up with new solutions. For every situation there are at least five solutions, so don’t get stuck using just one.
Give recognition for even the smallest of accomplishment as your child learns new skills and practices the old ones. Focus on the process not the specific task. For instance, “You are doing a better job with putting the bed covers on straight. Why do you think it is important to have the same amount of sheet on each side of the bed?”
You certainly are not going to compliment your child on every little thing he does right (even though statistics show he does 19 right to every 1 unacceptable act) but you are hopefully going to toss out encouragement words and phrases here and there on the days journey.
Positive Feedback Can Change Habits and Lives
Looking for something positive to give feedback on can change the attitude of the recipient. Positive encouragement has such great motivating power. It should be honest and sincere or the child will think it is worthless and phony.
Encouragement focuses on the effort and progress made. Praise tends to focus on the finished product and only offered after the job is done. Encouraging and positive feedback inspire children with hope and faith that they will improve.
We want our children to believe that the positive power behind them is always greater than the problem in front of them.
In gratitude for the important work you do.
Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker
PS: Be sure to check out http://www.ResponsibleChildren.com You will be glad you did.
Focus Attention on Learning Experience – Perfection is not Possible
Focus Attention on the Learning Experience
When parents and other caregivers focus attention on the finished product, rather than the learning experience, it does not encourage the child to be a problem solver. If only perfectly made beds are acceptable, then why keep trying because perfection is not possible.
Trail and Error is a Great Teacher
Logical and natural consequences help children learn much more than one more lecture on how to do “my way.” Part of being a mature responsible adult is seeing cause and effect.
If the soccer uniform does not get in the laundry, then the child will have to wear a stained shirt to the game. Questions such as “What did you learn from this experience today?” or even “Given how this turned out for you, what do you think you could do next time?”
Next Time….
As you help the child evaluate, plan for the next time and encourage them to problem solve on their own, you will be adding to their core of confidence. They will also gain a sense of independence when they don’t rely on others to judge their work and worth.
By stressing that failure is never final and we are all on a learning curve, you will be giving them permission to start over.
Raising Responsible Children may seem overwhelming to you, especially if you don’t know the way. However, it is possible and doable with the assistance and guidance of the parents located a http://www.KidsChoresAndMore.com
Get it today. It will be an investment in your families harmony and the future of your child.
In support and confidence,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
Control Conflict With Confidence
Hello from beautiful Montana:
Conflict is inevitable. As long as we have at least two human beings interacting, we will have at least two opinions on how things should be done. You cannot avoid conflict, but you can control it with confidence and a desire to find peaceful solutions.
Have you ever been drawn into a match of wills at work or home only to find that once you jumped in, you could not find a graceful way out? Maybe you were hoping that the other person would just give up or someone would come along to rescue you.
I have listed some ideas for you to use to rescue yourself. Read and reread and then practice these behaviors and you will see less conflict and more cooperation.
Four Confidence Clues
- Speak in short sentences. Say what you need to say, but don’t belittle the situation or the other person with long explanations. For instance, instead of saying; “Look you jerk, I worked my tail off preparing that report and all you could do is find one little error and want me to do it over again and I don’t have the time or energy to rework something that is good enough for most people.” How about saying; “I see the error you are concerned about.”
- Slow down your emotional response. Your first response is usually knee jerk reaction of revealing all the resentment, anger and justification of your actions. Your rate of speech will be very rapid and fast. When we speak rapidly, we often make mistakes or say things that are better left unsaid. Our mind also races ahead of our ability to think and form our answers. You will want to slow down so that you appear to be rational and mature.
- Watch your body language. Verbal communication is the language of information. Body or non verbal communication is the language of relationships. If your arms are crossed and foot is tapping, it sends a defensive signal right away to the other person. If possible, take a few deep breaths, put your shoulders back and put one hand in your pocket and the other hanging loosely at your side.
- Deepen your voice. Stress and anger can tighten your vocal cords, making your voice come out high and screech like. This higher pitch sends a message that you are vulnerable and emotionally overwrought. When you breathe as listed above, you will naturally relax and you will feel and hear a deeper, more confident voice coming out of your mouth. Your goal is not to avoid conflict, because that is impossible, but to control it with confidence and courage.
You can do it. I have confidence in you. If you would like to build more confidence in yourself http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com
You will be glad you made the decision to build your self confidence so you can control conflict in your life. How have you handled conflict in the past? Has that method worked for you? Leave a comment and let’s start a dialog about controlling conflict with confidence.
Your Friend,
Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
How to Resolve Conflict With Assertive Communication and Confidence
Hello from beautiful Montana:
Conflict is good most of the time. It helps us to see many sides and solutions to a problem. But some types of conflict produces only bad feelings and violent reactions.
Assertive communication can resolve conflicts in a confident manner.
If a situation has elevated beyond a friendly exchange of ideas, then you need to know how to resolve that conflict with confidence and assertive communication.
Besides being either a source of growth or a source of irritation in a family or organisation, conflict is also unavoidable. As long as there are human beings involved there will be differences of opinions or methods of accomplishing a goal.
Personal and Professional Relationships
Regardless of the type of conflict — a neighbor who allows his dog to run free, your teenager who refuses to keep his curfew, a boss who is demeaning at work or a co-worker who feels free to criticize your religion, it is a daily part of life.
Assertive communication is the only response which will give you the opportunity to resolve the conflict in a win-win method. You will then have a productive outcome rather than hurt feelings, resentment and passive aggressive behavior.
Assertive Behavior Has Clear Boundaries
- Resist the temptation to start the resolution with “you make me… or you said this…” You statements always put the other person in a defensive mode.
- You will get more by defining the conflict in terms of your needs and feelings. Using “I statements” allows you to state your needs. Make the statements in a neutral or calm voice.
- Ask the other person about possible solutions. After you have stated your needs; “I need to know that you will honor your curfew so I don’t worry about you. Help me understand why you are having trouble getting home on time.”
- Don’t be to eager to talk but listen to what the other person says. Be patient and let the other person formulate an answer. Assertive people are self-confident enough to hear the truth and respect other viewpoints.
- Choose a win-win solution. Conflict is not resolved if you have won and the other has lost. What is a solution that will be fair to all parties?
The question then is not how to avoid conflict, but rather how to manage or resolve it productively. If you practice these few techniques, you will be more comfortable and confident in recognizing what you need and deserve from relationships. You will also have more insight into what others need and deserve from you.
You can do it. I have confidence in you. If you need more assistance, claim the free e-course at http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com
You will be glad you did. It can change your life for the better.
Your friend,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
