Ask Auntie Artichoke

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Body Language is the communication of relationships.  Verbal language is the communication of information and is really only processed and remembered about 20% of the time. Model confidence in your posture, gestures, facial expressions and approachability and you will gain friends and influence people.

Model Confidence of Others

One of the best ways to learn a new skill or behavior is to watch someone else demonstrate that behavior.  This is especially true if the person you are modeling is someone you admire.

So watch how they greet others, do they extend the hand of friendship or stand against the wall?  Do they take a seat near the front of the room and join in the conversation or sit in the back of the room and try not to be noticed?

Confident body language is about being comfortable in your own skin. It is about making others feel comfortable to be around you.

I like to say confidence is walking into a room and saying “Here I am, what can I do to help?”  It is not about ego or pride, but rather about self-esteem and self-efficacy, which is how you use your confidence for the good of others.

Rehearse Confidence

Knowing what to do in difficult situations can make a person feel more competent, comfortable and in control.  You would not learn to ski by jumping off the top of a mountain, and you will not learn the skill of confidence in one lesson.

You will learn more easily if you watch and model your mannerisms, body language and confidence one step at a time.

How does the leader of the group stand? Is he or she standing with feel a little apart, shoulders back and arms either at the side or making small gestures?  Then you can do that. Practice this skill and you will find yourself more and more comfortable.

Smile at Others

Watch how your mentor smiles and follow the example.  Try smiling with your whole face and watch how others will be drawn to you.

Your body language will soon begin to model confidence in yourself and your surroundings.

If you enjoyed this article you will want to go to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a wonderful book filled with methods to increase your confidence, friends and opportunities for a more positive life experience.  You will feel it was written just for you. And it was.

Model the positive body language of others and become more confident

Problem Kids  or Parent Training. Much like the age old question of which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  Many of the parents I see in my work as a family relationship author and trainer are not confident of their parenting skills and the children can sense their insecurity.

Those insecurities may stem from lack of role models in their youth, or that they want to over compensate for what they perceive are lacks in the family structure. They may feel that since there is divorce, financial problems, adhd or other problems, it is easier to let the children get away with being angry, spoiled and demanding.

Angry children make life miserable for everyone

Parents are Teachers not Friends

Perhaps it may be easier short term to allow the kids to be in control or disrespectful, but it will cause multiple life problems for everyone if it is not curtailed.

Parents are sometimes hesitant to talk about child behavior issues for fear of being judged by others. Many are not aware that most schools and many churches offer free or low cost parent training.

Children Need Consistent Boundaries

We all learn and behave better when we know what is expected of us and what is not going to be tolerated.  When parents meet together in groups and discuss behavior issues, they will find clues, tips and ideas from other families and the leader of the class.

Parent training is not so much about what you are doing wrong, but on reclaiming your power and understanding how to work with your children to achieve a more cooperative home.

Empowered Parents – Well Behaved Kids

As you discover more ways to work together with respect, you may actually see your child reacting with anger and resistance.  Stick to your guns. You are the parent and as the child sees that you are willing to change and grow in new ways, he or she will pick up on your behavior.

Change will not occur overnight and it may be a two steps forward, three steps back journey to a peaceful home.  Give yourself some “atta – boys” for recognizing that what your family has done in the past needs to adjust and shift in order for problem kids to turn into peaceful partners towards a more respectful relationship. You will also want to use some encouraging phrases on the family to keep moving forward.

I encourage you to go to http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com to claim your free eBook on effective communications.  You will be glad you did.

You will also want to check out this site if your problem kids are a danger to themselves or         others http://mytt.us/qkmsfhty The program is guaranteed and can transform your family.

All children deserve to feel safe and protected.

Safe and Protected Children – Parents and Adults Protect From Harm

The fundamental need of every child is to feel safe and protected.  Children want to trust the adults in their lives to take care of them and protect them from harm as much as possible. There are bad and scary things that go on in the world outside the walls of the home. Hopefully, the home environment is one which children are protected and loved. Caring parents and adults teach caution without fear and to be aware of dangerous situations.

Functional families watch out for each other

In functional families, each generation gives love and acceptance to the next generation as well as each other.  Children thus grow up secure that they are valuable and wanted human beings in the tribe, community or family. They learn the necessary life skills in setting boundaries in relationships.

If not given that love and safety, the children may attempt to fill the emptiness with any number of substitutes; drug or alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, or other compulsive behavior just to prove to themselves they are alive.

What  does SAFE Mean for a Child?

S__Secure means free from danger. This is an instinctual feeling that the parent will protect the child as much as possible.  The child does not have to worry needlessly that volcanoes will erupt, that terrorists will bomb their school or that Dad will forget to pick him up after soccer.

A__Affection and warmth is sometimes the only way some can show love. Many parents and adults have  never been taught to verbalize words and feelings and so instead show their love with acts of service, touching the hair, rubbing the back etc.  Affection is as necessary as air and nourishment but there is a line of safe and nurturing touch and toxic, selfish touch.  Incest, fondling or sexual touches are not appropriate and should not be tolerated.

F…Freedom to be who and what we are. When parents and other adults want to children to be obedient all the time, it stifles the creativity of the child. Just because a father loves football, it does not necessarily mean the son will. Parents who protect and safeguard their children allow them to express themselves and know that they will be loved anyway.

E…Encouraged to assume personal responsibility. Competent children who have learned to problem solve and make decisions become confident, contributing adults.

Safe and protected children are treasures and to be treasured. Parents and adults protect them from harm and guide, direct and teach them to be successful in life.

You are invited to http://www.artichokepress.com for more ideas to help your child succeed.  You will be glad you went.

Everyone likes to be praised, right? Actually,  too much praise can have a boomerang effect if the recipient of the compliment  believes it is untrue or unrealistic. It can also cause distrust or discouragement of other members of the team or family.

While praise may be of value, if the child or employee maintains a low opinion of himself or becomes dependent on the outside world to give him an external reward, he is constantly looking for external approval. Our goal as employers, parents, teachers and coaches is to encourage positive progress without unrealistic praise and assist in building inward confidence.

Recently a grandmother asked me on Facebook how to encourage without giving unrealistic and too much praise.

“Have you suggestions between praise and “too much” praise – i.e. “You really worked hard on that project” vs. “You are WONDERFUL” – which is easy to spout but really pretty meaningless. Today’s young workforce expects to be praised for everything vs. deserved praise or encouragement.”

My answer was:

Hi Jo Ann- You have raised such an important point. “You really worked hard on that project” is encouragement and it is praising the process rather than the task.  It is transferable to other tasks and attempts.  You are saying “Keep going, you are on the right path.”

When kids get praised for every little thing they come to expect it and feel they deserve it.  The world of work is not going to give them constant approval. They are in for a big shock when no one is going to applaud their every effort.  If the child has come to look for praise and external evaluation which must constantly be earned, he may be unsure when he will get it again. This causes some to fail or to sabotage efforts of others on the team in order to receive the coveted “praiseworthy” award.

This next generation of children coming up must be able to trust their own judgment and intuition.  They must be able to follow their own inner compass rather than waiting for outside approval.

Difference Between Praise and Encouragement

Praise is like a reward for something well done, and implies a spirit of competition.  The unspoken message is clear; “winner takes all.”  When members of a workplace, family or class are singled out for unrealistic praise, the others become discouraged and also lose faith with the authority figure.

In contrast, encouragement may be given for any effort or for slight improvement.  Encouragement is not concerned with superior-inferior relationships but focuses on making the child or employee understand they are a valued part of the team.

Self esteem comes from an inward knowing that you are a capable problem solver. The effects of encouragement and cooperation that builds respect for self and others have long range and lasting results.

I encourage you to claim your free ebook at:
http://www.useencouragingwords.com

Love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

http://AskAuntieArtichoke.com

Parents want responsible children. The world needs responsible adults who will teach children in their circle of influence to assume personal responsibility.

Parents who allow children to experience the natural and/or logical consequences of their actions prepare them to be responsible, reflective, responsive, respectful and resilient adults. It is important to the future adults that we assist them to become self sufficient thinkers and problem solvers who don’t have to ask or be told what to do in every situation.

World of Work Needs Responsible Workers

As business owners, we found many of those who had fine educations and  technical skills did not know how to assume personal responsibility for their choices and decisions. It was as if we, the business owners and managers, were expected to re-parent people and teach them skills best learned as children.

Those young people who have those life skills of responsible attitudes and a work ethic, literally stand head and shoulders above other applicants.  They are the first to be promoted and the last to be let go in economic downturns.

Competent Kids Make Confident Adults

What does it take for parents to teach responsibility?  Every parent has a different answer and a different expectation of when and how their child will assume personal responsibility.  One thing is for sure ant that is responsibility must be taught.  It is not a natural skill and most of us would love to have others wait on and provide for us, but learn the joy of being in charge of our own lives.

Responsibility can be taught at any age, but is best when consistency and follow through is used in daily teaching moments.  You cannot expect a 35 year old job from a 10 year old. Nor can you expect a 10 year old to assume responsibility for a task unless he/she knows that the ownership of the decision or problem belongs to them. Parents may have to occasionally jump in and help them do an unpleasant task or problem solve, but not do it for them.

Encourage Children to Make Responsible Choices

The more the child has the opportunity of “owning” the decision or task, the more he/she will learn and the more their confidence will grow. The purpose of allowing natural consequences to occur and designing logical consequences is to encourage children to make responsible choices.

This is teaching, training and guidance not a method of punishment.  Parents should look down the road and envision their child in the world of work and help them learn problem solving skills.

You do not become responsible when you mature, you mature as you become more responsible.

For more information on teaching your children responsibility, please go to: http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

You will be glad you did!

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

For many people, the mere idea of social situations and conversations through them into anxiety. Just the thoughts of beginning a conversation with a stranger, or co-worker, can bring out latent inferior feelings and lack of confidence.

I have gathered 5 tips to help you feel more confident when connecting with other people. Try to incorporate them in a situation that feels comfortable for you, and soon you will see yourself having confidence in conversations with more and varied people.

1. Smile. Did you know that you cannot physically smile and still think negative thoughts?  Try it.  You don’t have to grin like a cat,  or freeze  a smile on your face,but do turn the corners of your lips up and look approachable.
2. Approach someone standing or setting alone. Instead of focusing on your own feelings of anxiety, you can make a polite comment (May I join you?) introduce yourself (I am Judy H. Wright from Montana)
3. Ask an open ended question that requires more than just a yes or no answer (tell me about where you grew up or what do you enjoy doing in your spare time) Asking questions is a great way of saying “I am interested in you. I want to get to know you.”
4. Listen to the answers and talk about what the other person is interested in.  During a conversation, you will get lots of clues about what the other person thinks is important. If it is someone that you don’t know, take a cue from what they are wearing. ask them about a ring or bracelet they are wearing, did they make it, was it a gift or maybe even does the stone has a significant meaning for them?
5. Make sure your body languages is open and approachable instead of closed, defensive and off putting.  Verbal communication is sharing of information and people only remember or respond to about 20%. Body language, tone of voice and facial expression are much more important and account for 80% of understanding.  Non verbal language is the communication of relationships.

Listening carefully, asking good questions, making eye contact and smiling are all necessary to start and continue conversations.  Don’t worry if occasionally there is a silence, just relax and another subject will come up naturally.

You may not always be at ease in social situations, but the more you practice and try, the more confident you will be in your ability to carry on conversations with anyone.

So smile and ask me some questions.

In friendship and gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  be sure to check out http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a more detailed look at building self confidence.

Cardboard Boxes and Blank Walls- the Challenge of Every Military Wife

© Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com

What do you mean we have to be across the country next week?  How can the kids be pulled out of sports, school and the arms of their best friends again? Good thing we still have some of the cardboard boxes left from the last move. We never got around to unpacking them, so that is even better. At least the content is written on the outside of the box.  The majority of the boxes ended up with labels of Kitchen Misc. or Bathroom stuff or “I Hate This Crap-I Don’t Want to Move-signed by The Indentured Servant Who Wanted to Go to The Mall Today”

One would think after 12 moves in 15 years, a smart family would begin to simplify their possessions. A smart family would rid themselves of old yearbooks, unused cookbooks, scruffy stuffed animals and pans with no lids.  A smart family would just look for the nail in the walls and hang their pictures on them, regardless of placement.  By the time we found the separate boxes holding the hammer, level, hooks and pictures, it was almost time to move again.

No, we weren’t the smartest family in the military, but we were one of the most grateful.  We were filled with gratitude for each other, the ability to see the country and to make new friends and grateful for the experiences along the way.

One particular pivotal experience was moving into military housing on Vandenberg Air Force Base in Lompoc, California. As Dwain and I were unloading boxes, the children ran into the back yard to explore.  They came rushing back to tell us about the strange “thistles” all over the place.

Always the teacher, I called everyone around to tell them about artichokes.  I explained how delicious they were and that we would savor them at a coming meal.  I also used the teaching moment to say that the people who had lived here before had planted the artichokes, knowing that they may never see the fruits of their labor.  Given that it takes artichokes two years to produce, they were leaving a gift for us.

We talked about how we must follow their example and plant seeds everywhere we went. We would plant vegetable seeds, flower seeds, but most of all we would plant the seeds of kindness. We may never see the fruits of our labors just like the family before us, but we would do it anyway.

As we sat on cardboard boxes and looked at blank walls, we feasted on artichokes and butter and praised those who had given us this gift.

Our daughter Deb remarked that the artichoke was like some of the families I work with as a parent educator; the outer edges are tough, closed off and have prickly parts that can hurt if you get too close.  It is only through time, warmth and patience that we can find the outer leaves peeling off more easily and we reach the real treasure- the heart.

The artichoke is now my logo and stands as a symbol of finding the heart of the story in the journey of life. Our journey with cardboard boxes, blank walls and a military life may be a thing of the past, but the life lessons and forever friends will always remain in our hearts.

About the author:

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, the storytelling trainer is an Author, International Speaker and Life Educator who owns and operates ArtichokePress.com in beautiful Missoula, Montana  She runs a global online business from her home office marketing eBooks, tele-classes, newsletters, family coaching and a number of related products. At www.ArtichokePress.com you will receive free articles and a subscription to the newsletter The Artichoke-finding the heart of the story in the journey of life.

A recent client said, “Being with Judy, whether in person, print or tele-class is like having a cup of tea with a loving Auntie who wants the best for you and yours.”

You will find her work warm, witty and packed with wisdom to make your life easier and more abundant.