Ask Auntie Artichoke

If you have difficult teenagers in your home, you have our sympathy.

Angry teenagers can be moody and difficult to live with. Habits can change.

It is not fun to live in a combat zone and worry that everyday will bring more battles and fights.

Once you recognize the reason for the continued anger and disrespect may be poor communication patterns, you have to make the decision to continue fighting or to just hope it will stop. it will not stop on it’s own.

If you decide that your family deserves a more harmonious atmosphere, you will be choosing to change a habit. Fighting has probably become the default method of communication. Any pattern or habit that has been learned, can also be unlearned, but it takes commitment and practice.

Change Is Possible And Worth The Effort

The three most powerful words in English language is: I Can Change.

Communication will improve when you want it to, and especially if you have learned new ways of getting them to connect to the family.  As long as there is no alcohol or drugs involved, most teenagers will stop fighting when they see that they are not going to keep pushing your buttons and make you mad.

Listen More Than Talk

Truly being present for another person is the most powerful life skill there is.  By listening, I mean truly understanding where they coming from and what they really need. By restating what they have said and making sure it is what they meant to convey, you can avoid misunderstandings.

There are many programs that can assist you in parenting endeavors but I recommend one ahttp://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

it helps families to transform angry, difficult teenagers into cooperative, thoughtful members of the family.

Good Luck, this is not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.  Your family deserves to  build strong connections and happy memories.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Stepdad, hmmm, Does that mean that you are available to be stepped on or walked over?  No, you are not a stepped on dad.  You are an important part of your children’s and step children’s lives, even if they don’t always respect you or your position as the dad in this house.

You will never be their stepkids’ birth parent and you never will be.  Even if the other parent is deceased the children may refer to him as “my real dad.”  That is okay. That is reality.  But it is also reality that you are not necessarily worthless or inferior to the birth parent.  You are each unique and provide different aspects to parenting.

Dad of This House

Most stepparents want more than respect. We hold the dream that we will also be loved and honored by them as we hope we can build a new family unit.  Many therapists tell me that young children are very black and white and cannot deal in abstract thinking.

What this means is that when children begin to transfer affection to a step parent, they feel guilty and disloyal to the birth parent.  They need to be told that it is okay to love many people and that it is good to have a number of adults who care and support them.

Don’t Expect Instant Love

You may feel irritated or resentful of your stepchildren.  You don’t have to automatically love them, but you do have to act in a loving and respectful way towards them and their mother.

As you give and demand respect and kindness, you will create a shared life filled with memories. Love and affection take time to grow in any relationship.  Many times, just looking at what the child might be feeling and having an honest and open communication will pave the road for a mutually respectful relationship.

Step dad or stepped on dad?  How about being a part of the village it takes to raise a child.  We are all in this together.

Thanks for joining our community of caring parents, family members,coaches, teachers and mentors who want to help raise a generation of responsible adults who respect others.

Artichoke Press is the home site of Judy H. Wright, family relationship coach and author of over 20 books and many articles on family relationships. If your organization would like to schedule Auntie Artichoke, the storytelling trainer, for a workshop please call 406.549.9813.

(c) Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com You have permission to reprint this article in your blog, ezine or offline magazine as long as you keep the content and contact information intact. Thank You.

PS: If your family is having problems with disrespectful and rude children and you need ideas on how to deal with out of control kids; check it out. You will be glad you did and so will your family. http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

I had never heard of Indigo children five years ago.  But I kept

Indigo Children need different parenting skills to gain cooperation.

seeing these kids in my parenting classes that seem to shine.  They were always active and full of themselves. Very hard to handle for parents and irritating to other adults. But then I started to see a pattern with some of the children and realized that not only did I know  Indigo Children, but I had one.

According to Lee Carroll and Jan Tober authors of a book published by Hay House Publishing, “An Indigo Child is one who displays a new and unusual set of psychological attributes and shows a pattern of behavior generally undocumented before.”

We are in the midst of human evolution and it is happening with our children and grandkids.

What does that mean to parents, day care providers and teachers who are trying to deal with these kids?

It means that discipline, reasoning and rigid rules that may have worked on other children will probably not work with Indigos.  We need to shift our parenting styles and expectations in order to allow them to function well in a society that not only does not understand their actions, but wants to drug them.

The book goes on to list the common traits of Indigo children. I have adapted these with my own observations.

1. They come into the world with a feeling of royalty.
2. They have a sense of being here for a reason.
3. Full of self worth and not much humility.
4. Have difficulty with absolute authority or rigid rules.
5. Have  agreat deal of difficulty waiting in line or taking turns.
6. Easily frustrated with systems that do not allow for creative thought and input.
7. Often have a much better idea on how things should be done.
8. May appear anti-social. School may be difficult for them socially. Would rather turn inward.
9. Will not be manipulated by guilt or threats.
10. If you ask them what they really want, they will tell you.

If your child has a number of these characteristics, you will want to research further on this subject. Our family found that old parenting styles were not going to work with an Indigo child.

Click here and You will find additional information at http://www.disciplineyespunishno.com for a series of free articles on    transforming your family communications and cooperation.

Thanks for joining our community of caring parents, family members,coaches, teachers and mentors who want to help raise a generation of responsible adults who respect others.

Artichoke Press is the home site of Judy H. Wright, family relationship coach and author of over 20 books and many articles on family relationships. If your organization would like to schedule Auntie Artichoke, the storytelling trainer, for a workshop please call 406.549.9813.

Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com You have permission to reprint this article in your blog, ezine or offline magazine as long as you keep the content and contact information intact. Thank You.

Divorce is hard on kids and adults and friends and neighbors. There is nothing easy about divorce. It requires a mind shift about expectations, dreams and plans for the future.

No matter how agonizing this is for the adults involved, you have to be supportive for your children. Children need to be told what is happening, and depending on their ages and vulnerabilities, they may need to hear a little bit about why.

Answer Questions Truthfully

There will be lots of questions right away and many, many more as you all go through this journey. They may ask specific questions about where  will I go to school, where will I live, where will dad or (mom) live?

The often unasked question, but one that most children harbor in their heart is; “Did I somehow cause this?  Is it my fault?”

Reassure Them Frequently

Even infants and toddlers can react negatively with sleep, toilet training and eating. Preschoolers may start to hit or have temper tantrums. School problems, bed-wetting or hyperactive can be a usual reactions for school age children.  Teens, tweens and even adult children may feel depressed, lonely, devalued, anxious or even ashamed.

Adults must put the needs of the child first and be a resource of reassurance in their life. The burden of being the “grown-ups” must fall on the caring adults.  This isn’t always easy to do when there is anger, disappointment and  betrayal.

No matter how angry you get, don’t tell your children that you hate your spouse or focus on the bad points.  Your kids are part of that person, and may very well feel that you are saying you hate them too.

Cooperate On The Children

Kids need to be reassured that they will be safe and cared for. Parents need to find a way to cooperate with each other over parenting issues. Put the needs and emotions of children first.  Do not expect them to be pawns in a struggle or to be involved in loyalty contests, that is not their job.

Divorce doesn’t have to be devastating, but can be a growing experience and an opening to closer communication with all the parties who are involved.

If you need additional assistance with parenting, please claim the  free 10 week e-course on transforming your family at http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

5 Ways to Understand Your Children

guest post by Adrienne Carlson

There is nothing more precious in the world than our children, and as parents, there is nothing we would not do to ensure their happiness. Unfortunately, as they grow older, they seem to grow away from us, mostly due to the fact that we are not able to understand them as well as we used to. Most parents fail in their duties as mom and dad when their kids hit their pre-teen years, and it often takes years before the balance is restored again. But if you want to avoid the unpleasantness of fighting with your kids and being their enemy No.1 during their formative years, you need to understand them first. And to do this, you must:

• Listen to them: When your child talks to you, don’t just hear what he or she is saying; instead, listen to more than just their words. Observe the tone, their body language, the expressions on their face, and the mood they are in. This way, you know exactly how your child feels about a particular issue or situation even though they may not say so in so many words. When you don’t listen to your children, they slowly drift away from you and you find it difficult to connect to them.
• Put yourself in their place: Very often, the generation gap widens when you don’t look at things from their point of view. Remember that you were also a teenager once and that you too were at odds with your parents. If you make the effort to explain to your children why you set certain rules and also try to understand their view of the situation, you grow closer to them, and in spite of the differences, you remain close to them.
• Be their friend: There are times when your kids need you to be their friends rather than parents, so switch roles accordingly. When they know that they can come to you with any problem they might have and that you are not going to hit the roof and act like a typical parent, they tend to trust you more and let you into their lives.
• Be attentive: Most kids who get into trouble often do so because they are seeking attention – in their book, the only way they can make their parents take notice of them is to engage in disruptive behavior. So understand your children’s cry for attention and spend more time with them so that they grow up to be mature adults with good values.
• Don’t interfere too much in their lives: No one likes a snoop, least of all adolescents with growing pains and troubles. So allow them their privacy and don’t interfere too much in their lives. Talk to them instead of going behind their backs, and be a friend who understands rather than a parent who reprimands.

Your children are your greatest assets, so nurture them well in order to enhance the value of their lives.

By-line:

This guest article was written by Adrienne Carlson, who regularly writes on the topic of physical therapy assistant schools . Adrienne welcomes your comments and questions at her email address: adrienne.carlson1@gmail.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

We recently showed a rental property to a family searching for adequate and affordable housing. The mother turned to the child and said “what do you think darling, should we rent this house.”  The child shook his head and yelled NO at the top of his lungs.

Of course that is what most two year old children do. I was grateful they took the advice of their child (gimmee a break, people) and decided to keep looking.  It was pretty evident who wore the pants or diapers in that family.

Responsibility of Parent is to Lead

Many parents try too hard to be friends with their children rather than parents to them.  It is good to have a family where all members can be heard and acknowledged, but the parents job is to lead, teach and guide children.

It is actually scary to a child to realize that the power has shifted and he is in charge of the situation.  He, rightfully so, expects the adults to protect him and keep him safe. Firm, kind and loving discipline may not always seem like the most popular parental obligation. However, it is much more important to the child’s development than having another buddy to play with.

Children Should Challenge Authority

It is perfectly normal child development to test the limits, push the buttons and challenge authority.  Our job as parents and caring adults is to establish boundaries and assist them in learning personal responsibility.  The best lessons are learned through natural or logical consequences.

Assume Parental Leadership

The most secure children and confident adults have parents who recognized that family life was not a popularity contest but they were loved and protected.

You can’t lead and guide a child’s development by seeking his approval constantly.  You don’t want to say “Sweetheart, are you ready for bed?  It’s time for beddy by, okay?    You are opening up for arguing, whining and negotiation.

Instead simply make an announcement “It’s time for bed.”

I am excited to offer you a ten part e-course on raising responsible children free! I have taken the series and was so impressed I wanted to share with you. All you need to do is click http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

and a new lesson will come to your email box each day.

Have a great day with your children and remember you are the parent.

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: Here is the site again for the free e-course on responsible children http://www.disciplineyespunishno.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

As caring adults(either by DNA or friendship) we want to create a safe and nurturing space in order to build strong family relationships.  We also want the kind of  family relationship  where each child is a connected child within the family.

Here are a few ideas we have used in our family and have been suggested by other close families in my parenting classes.  Use these ideas as springboards to decide what can enhance the relationships and build a strong family.

1. Create an  home environment where feelings can be shared This means that we give names to our emotions and not just feel mad, sad and glad.  Even anger is an appropriate emotion at times.  We need to continually be learning methods of expressing feelings without hurting others.
2. Spend Time with the Kids The idea of quality time is over used.  What kids want is just your time. They want you there completely when you are there. If you can only spare 15 minutes to play Candy Land, then be present for the whole time.  Be involved in their activities with them.
3. Be Open and Approachable With All Members of the Family Make an effort to be nonjudgmental and to listen to all sides of the story.  Many parents just want to be “right.”  For every situation there are at least five solutions so listen to your kids, they may teach you something.
4. Let The Family Know That Love is Unconditional You may be disappointed at what they did, but are never disappointed with them as individuals.  Make sure everyone knows that your emotional support and love are not tied to accomplishments, looks or achievements.  We love each other in spite of…not because of.

Good luck in building strong family relationships.  Trust me it is worth the effort to bind your tribe, family and group into a solid foundation of love and support.

I have confidence in you.  If you would like more information on raising responsible children please go to:

http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

Fondly,  Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from chilly Montana:

If you are a male born between 1961 and 1980, and you have children, you are called a generation X Dad.  You are building connections with kids who are born between 1981 and 2002 and are part of the Generation Y.

Huh? What? Whatsup? No Way

Have you ever wondered if you and your teen or tween were speaking a different language.  The answer is yes.  You each come from a different part of history,  different learning styles and especially different expectations of self and others.

Differences in Generation X and Generation Y

Generation X:

• Skeptical outlook – but don’t mind change
• Balanced work ethic, like time off for fun
• Unimpressed by authority or titles
• Most likely to start their own business
• Reluctant to commit, want to be self reliant

Generation Y:

• They generally have an optimistic outlook
• They are committed to working at a variety of jobs to earn a living
• Much more respectful of diversity
• They will follow an individual or a dream, but not necessarily an organization
• Don’t automatically trust and respect leaders, must be earned
• Hungry for tradition and family roots
• They are more empowered by their own confidence
• Want to be thought of as Problem Solvers – don’t like orders

Connections Between Generation X and Y

No matter what label society puts on us, we all want the same things from life;

1. Acceptance
2. Approval
3. Appreciation

If  Generation X dads are serious about building connections with kids, it is as simple as following the the 3 “A”s listed above.

You can do it.  I have confidence in your ability to use your influence as a father, teacher, mentor or grandfather to build lasting connections with kids.

If you would like the words to say, please claim a free eBook called Use Encouraging Words to Motivate Positive Action You will find it at:

http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker