Ask Auntie Artichoke

Developing responsibility in children is important in most families. As I work with parents, grandparents, teachers and other caring adults who work with kids who are in school, I hear the following questions about responsibility;

• How do I get my child to do homework
• How do I get my child to clean his room
• How do I get my child to do his chores
• How do I get my child to feed the pet
• How do I get my child to practice the piano
• How do I get my child to speak to the family with respect

The problem is that responsible and acceptable behavior is different for every person and every child.  When children are in school there are lots of new and exciting adventures that take their thoughts and energy away from the task at hand.

Difference between obedience and responsibility

One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn is that you can’t make anyone do anything long term. You can force your child to do their homework tonight by yelling, screaming and threatening, but I promise you he will dislike school and you.

The difference between obedience and responsibility often comes down to this simple distinction, Who owns the problem. If you realize that the dog is hungry and you fix it by filling the food dish, but punish or yell at the child, you still own the problem.  You will be telling the child to feed the pet every day and he will expect you to tell him  and then lecture or else feed the dog.

Obedience needs no agreement or buy-in from the child. The motivation comes from an outside force, in this case, you making the child feel guilty.

Responsibility, however, involves the acceptance and understanding of the natural (the dog has no way to feed himself) and logical (the child feeds the dog before he eats breakfast and dinner) consequences.

Chore Charts Tell Child What Is Expected

When the parent is in the telling position and the child is in the doing position, which means the child won’t do if the parent doesn’t tell.  The chore chart is a wonderful tool for pulling adults away from always telling the child what to do and when to do it.  Chore charts shift the responsibility to the child and makes the chart the regulator and judge, not the adult.

Chore Charts or job lists or behavior calendars get the emotion out of the situation and strengthens both independence and responsibility.  The best advantage of a chore chart that has been agreed on at a family council is the “buy-in” from all parties.  Everyone knows what is expected to be done and the time frame for accomplishing said task and have decided and agreed on the consequences if it is not done.

Schools are not the teachers of responsibility. Their job is to enhance what has already been learned and modeled in the home and care giving situations. Those of us who love the child need to find methods and techniques to help the child to assume personal responsibility for their decisions and actions.  We increase the odds of teaching the child to work independently by being consistent and realistic in our expectations.

Be sure to check out http://www.responsiblechildren.com for a free report on “30 Ways To Get Your Kids To Help At Home.”  You will be glad you did.

With gratitude for the important work you do with children,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Do you know an organization that is looking for a dynamic keynote speaker on responsibility?

I give a very generous finder’s fee.

Hello from beautiful Montana;

Parents, ask yourself - Would you like to work for a boss who never complimented your efforts? Who only commented on what you had done wrong? Would it make you a more  loyal employee to receive positive feedback and encouragement on the things you were trying to learn?

You would be more willing to change habits or ways of doing tasks if your instructions were not always negative and demeaning.

The answer is no! None of us like to be in a negative environment where we are discouraged from trying new methods or ways of doing things. Being told  to do something only one way stifles the imagination and limits the use of creative freedom. Work can be fun if we feel empowered.

Many workplaces and homes do tasks in the same old, same old way.  It is not an adventure to clean closets or pick up clothes, but a drudgery and a habit to do it the same way. Giving the parameters of a job and then allowing the freedom to find new and better solutions builds confidence and independence.

Change Your Responses to Change Bad Habits

If your child habitually drops his coat on the sofa when he comes home from school and that annoys you,  have a brainstorming session with him and let him come up with new solutions. For every situation there are at least five solutions, so don’t get stuck using just one.

Give recognition for even the smallest of accomplishment as your child learns new skills and practices the old ones. Focus on the process not the specific task. For instance, “You are doing a better job with putting the bed covers on straight. Why do you think it is important to have the same amount of sheet on each side of the bed?”

You certainly are not going to compliment your child on every little thing he does right (even though statistics show he does 19 right to every 1 unacceptable act) but you are hopefully going to toss out encouragement words and phrases here and there on the days journey.

Positive Feedback Can Change Habits and Lives

Looking for something positive to give feedback on can change the attitude of the recipient. Positive encouragement has such great motivating power.  It should be honest and sincere or the child will think it is worthless and phony.

Encouragement focuses on the effort and progress made. Praise tends to focus on the finished product and only offered after the job is done.  Encouraging and positive feedback inspire children with hope and faith that they will improve.

We want our children to believe that the positive power behind them is always greater than the problem in front of them.

In gratitude for the important work you do.

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS:  Be sure to check out http://www.ResponsibleChildren.com You will be glad you did.

Focus Attention on the Learning Experience

When parents and other caregivers focus attention  on  the finished product, rather than the learning experience, it does not encourage the child to be a problem solver. If only perfectly made beds are acceptable, then why keep trying because perfection is not possible.

Trail and Error is a Great Teacher

Logical and natural consequences help children learn much more than one more lecture on how to do “my way.”  Part of being a mature responsible adult is seeing cause and effect.

If the soccer uniform does not get in the laundry, then the child will have to wear a stained shirt to the game.  Questions such as “What did you learn from this experience today?” or even “Given how this turned out for you, what do you think you could do next time?”

Next Time….

As you help the child evaluate, plan for the next time and encourage them to problem solve on their own, you will be adding to their core of confidence. They will also gain a sense of independence when they don’t rely on others to judge their work and worth.

By stressing that failure is never final and we are all on a learning curve, you will be giving them permission to start over.

Raising Responsible Children may seem overwhelming to you, especially if you don’t know the way. However, it is  possible and doable with the assistance and guidance of the parents located a http://www.KidsChoresAndMore.com

Get it today.  It will be an investment in your families harmony and the future of your child.

In support and confidence,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Conflict is inevitable. As long as we have at least two human beings interacting, we will have at least two opinions on how things should be done. You cannot avoid conflict, but you can control it with confidence and a desire to find peaceful solutions.

Have you ever been drawn into a match of wills at work or home only to find that once you jumped in, you could not find a graceful way out? Maybe you were hoping that the other person would just give up or someone would come along to rescue you.

I have listed some ideas for you to use to rescue yourself. Read and reread and then practice these behaviors and you will see less conflict and more cooperation.

Four Confidence Clues

1. Speak in short sentences. Say what you need to say, but don’t belittle the situation or the other person with long explanations. For instance, instead of saying; “Look you jerk, I worked my tail off preparing that report and all you could do is find one little error and want me to do it over again and I don’t have the time or energy to rework something that is good enough for most people.”  How about saying; “I see the error you are concerned about.”
2. Slow down your emotional response. Your first response is usually knee jerk reaction of revealing all the resentment, anger and justification of your actions.  Your rate of speech will be very rapid and fast.  When we speak rapidly, we often make mistakes or say things that are better left unsaid.  Our mind also races ahead of our ability to think and form our answers. You will want to slow down so that you appear to be rational and mature.
3. Watch your body language. Verbal communication is the language of information. Body or non verbal communication is the language of relationships.  If your arms are crossed and foot is tapping, it sends a defensive signal right away to the other person. If possible, take a few deep breaths, put your shoulders back and put one hand in your pocket and the other hanging loosely at your side.
4. Deepen your voice. Stress and anger can tighten your vocal cords, making your voice come out high and screech like.  This higher pitch sends a message that you are vulnerable and emotionally overwrought.  When you breathe as listed above, you will naturally relax and you will feel and hear a deeper, more confident voice coming out of your mouth.                                                                                                                                                                                                     Your goal is not to avoid conflict, because that is impossible, but to control it with confidence and courage.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.  If you would like to build more confidence in yourself  http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com

You will be glad you made the decision to build your self confidence so you can control conflict in your life.  How have you handled conflict in the past? Has that method worked for you? Leave a comment and let’s start a dialog about controlling conflict with confidence.

Your Friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Conflict is good most of the time. It helps us to see many sides and solutions to a problem. But some types of conflict produces only bad feelings and violent reactions.

Assertive communication can resolve conflicts in a confident manner.

If a situation has elevated beyond a friendly exchange of ideas, then you need to know how to resolve that conflict with confidence and assertive communication.

Besides being either a source of growth or a source of irritation in a family or organisation, conflict is also unavoidable.  As long as there are human beings involved there will be differences of opinions or methods of accomplishing a goal.

Personal and Professional Relationships

Regardless of the type of conflict — a neighbor who allows his dog to run free, your teenager who refuses to keep his curfew, a boss who is demeaning at work or a co-worker who feels free to criticize your religion, it is a daily part of life.

Assertive communication is the only response which will give you the opportunity to resolve the conflict in a win-win method. You will then have a productive outcome rather than hurt feelings, resentment and passive aggressive behavior.

Assertive Behavior Has Clear Boundaries

• Resist the temptation to start the resolution with “you make me… or you said this…” You statements always put the other person in a defensive mode.
• You will get more by defining the conflict in terms of your needs and feelings. Using “I statements” allows you to state your needs. Make the statements in a neutral or calm voice.
• Ask the other person about possible solutions. After you have stated your needs; “I need to know that you will honor your curfew so I don’t worry about you. Help me understand why you are having trouble getting home on time.”
• Don’t be to eager to talk but listen to what the other person says.  Be patient and let the other person formulate an answer. Assertive people are self-confident enough to hear the truth and respect other viewpoints.
• Choose a win-win solution. Conflict is not resolved if you have won and the other has lost. What is a solution that will be fair to all parties?

The question then is not how to avoid conflict, but rather how to manage or resolve it productively.  If you practice  these few techniques, you will be more comfortable and confident in recognizing what you need and deserve from relationships.  You will also have more insight into what others need and deserve from you.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.  If you need more assistance, claim the free e-course at http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com

You will be glad you did.  It can change your life for the better.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Have you ever been yelled at by your boss in front of co-workers? Has your two year old toddler had a melt down at the grocery store? Are you able to set

Assertive means respect the emotional, spiritual and physical boundaries of yourself and others.

boundaries for acceptable behavior from others and still been able to maintain emotional control?

Those who have a solid self image and have worked on their confidence usually have an advantage when it comes to conflicts or confrontations.

Being Assertive Is Not Easy, But Necessary

Those who want to manipulate and embarrass will usually target your feelings and emotions in order to put you on the defense.  This is the same tactics used by bullies on the playground and jerks in the parking lot.  It is a desire on their part to gain power and try to make you feel “less than.”

When we are functioning rationally, we recognize that while we aren’t perfect, we try hard to do a good job and deserve respect. We want to treat others as we would like to be treated, and so work to develop win-win situations.

If you would like assistance in finding the right words and phrases to overcome bullies please see http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com for a free e-course.

Control of Emotions Deflates Explosive Situations

When attacked verbally or manipulated, all humans tend to have a knee-jerk response to confrontation.  It as if only one face, situation, accusation or tantrum is open to our heart, mind and reactions.  When we are being assaulted it is very natural to  lose control or act outside the guidelines and standards of our life.

Set Boundaries When Buttons Are Pushed

Let’s face it, we all lose our cool occasionally or have buttons that others can either knowingly or unknowingly push which cause our emotions to spiral out of control.

There are words, gesture, phrases, situations personality traits and especially body language which trigger our hot buttons.  When those buttons are pushed, or boundaries are crossed, we often retaliate by saying “You made me angry.”  But actually, we choose to be angry.

By establishing boundaries of acceptable behavior you will be able to fall back on assertive tactics and maintain your emotional control.  You will be more comfortable in relationships when you set boundaries that you will not accept.

For instance;

• I will not allow you to yell at me. If you want to talk about the matter in a calm voice, let me know and I will be happy to discuss it further.
• I am sorry you choose to scream in the store. Remember, we talked about using a polite voice. We will go out to the car and maybe try coming back later.
• I am angry about what just happened in the lunchroom.  You may not like me, but you do have to speak to me with respect. Please do not embarrass me in front of others ever again.

You are a strong and valuable person and I am proud of you for working on the skill of setting boundaries and maintaining emotional control in relationships.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Has your shyness and lack of confidence held you back in relationships

Choose today to be more confident and overcome shyness

or on the job?  Do you wish you were more assertive? Would you like to overcome shyness and be more outgoing?  Perhaps I can offer a few encouraging words to assist you in this journey.

Shyness is a Behavior

Many people assume that being shy or being bossy are both in born parts of a baby’s personality. Actually, confidence is a learned skill and practiced behavior.  It is much like learning to play the piano, or ride a bike. It takes some time to develop and incorporate this new skill into your life.

In order to gain self confidence and be more assertive in your life you need a mentor to show you the steps and then you need to practice daily.

When You Know Better You Do Better

If you are not comfortable with how you view yourself, perhaps you need to expand your viewpoint as well as your knowledge base.  If you learn to overcome shyness you will be able to push back the walls of a cubicle as well as your mindset.

Liking and being comfortable with your self image does not happen overnight.  Throughout your life you received some powerful messages about you are from parents, peers and co-workers. But the most powerful influence is your own self-talk and negative thought patterns.

Stop Negative Thinking

Replace the tapes of negative self-talk and replace it with positive thinking and action.  Make a decision to overcome shyness by encouraging yourself with affirmations.  Say yes to yourself and your goals.

You were drawn to this specific article because you are at a crossroads in your life.  You can either continue with actions, behaviors and thoughts  that have not served you well, or you can make a conscious choice to step out of the past and into the future you deserve.

Encourage Yourself With Wise Choice of Words

Instead of…  ”I have always been shy” say “I choose to smile at three new people today.”

Instead of …”I am intimidated by crowds” say “I will find one person and start a conversation with them.”

Instead of …”I am such a loser” say “”I have done at least 20 things right today. I am going to count them.”

Instead of …”I don’t know what to say” consider “I will smile and comment on the weather to a co-worker.”

Building Self Confidence

Overcoming shyness is not an easy task, but it can be done.  I have done it and so can you. I have confidence in you and your dream. Please take these encouraging words and know that I mean them from my heart.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker

PS: If you would like more assistance to build confidence, please see http://www.confidenceclues.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Would you like to build confidence in your parenting skills? Do you sometimes wonder if your family relationships are on a roller coaster. One day the kids seem responsible, kind and thoughtful individuals and the next they disrespectful, defiant and rude. They push against the rules and boundaries and try your patience.

Don’t Be Discouraged, Be Consistent

We tend to think that teaching and discipline is like a diagonal line on a graph moving onward and upward.  However, raising responsible children is more like the ocean tide.  We move forward, we retreat, move forward once more, fall back.  But we are always there.

The falling back and regrouping our strength and power can be discouraging to parents. The way to think about it is to envision the incoming tide.  Then you can more easily see that after a falling back comes the moving forward. Each time we do that we are a little ahead of where we were previously.

There Are No Perfect Families

As humans, we tend to see ourselves at our worst and others at their best. Comparing our children, ourself or our situation with others will only lead to discouragement. Each family has unique problems and different battles to win. Look at your efforts and family with a loving attitude and a forgiving heart.

Understand that your children are not the symbol of your success in life. You can suggest, influence and give tools for improvement but you can never force another human being to change.  Accepting others where they are is a basic principle for personal growth and self improvement in family relationships.

The only real tool in our parenting backpack to encourage positive action in our family which we have direct access is our own behavior. Children will be more willing to change and adapt more responsible attitudes when they see the important adults in their life assuming personal responsibility.

Consistent Guidelines and Unconditional Love

Once parents understand and grasp the notion that by changing our own behavior we can influence the unacceptable behavior, life gets much easier.

Like the tide ever moving towards the shore it has consistent actions. We can count on it ebbing and flowing. We want to be consistent in our expectations so the family knows what the boundaries are.  Children need to know  you will always love them unconditionally but may not approve of their actions.

As we encourage and support their positive actions and help them to understand the consequences for crossing the boundaries, they are better equipped to self govern.

Our love for our family and for ourself should not be dependent on behavior, but rather unconditional and never ending.

I have confidence in you that you will make wise choices for your family. You will learn new and more effective  parenting skills and incorporate them in your life.

If you need additional assistance in order to build confidence in your parenting skills, you are invited to go to:

http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

You will be glad you did.

In confidence,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS: You will also want to check out
http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Are you or someone you love overcome with low self esteem? A belief system which implies that you are less than others and not deserving of happiness is not serving you well.  Each one of us is born with a gift or destiny. It is important that you find ways and means to build confidence and raise your self-esteem.

Build Confidence With Positive Affirmations

Our thoughts and belief systems are continually running through our minds.  Are your thoughts mostly positive or negative?  Thoughts are like plants in a garden, when you plant a bean (or positive thought) you get multiples of beans. You will want to plant a series of hope, success, happiness and enthusiasm seeds of positive affirmations.

Affirmations are statements of belief.  Your subconscious does not grade or evaluate them.  It just tries to make the actions of the individual (you) make them come true. The more you repeat a statement, the more the mind will hear the message and  encourage your physical body to follow the encouragement.

Affirmations For High Self-Esteem

• I am a worthy person who treats others and myself with respect.
• I am a successful problem solver and find creative solutions.
• I draw others to me who are kind, thoughtful and helpful.
• I  take care of my body and mind so I can appreciate all my talents.
• I am brave, courageous, and unafraid to change ways and thoughts that are not working for my highest good.

Negative Thoughts and Low Self-Esteem Unwelcome

I have confidence in your ability to encourage a positive attitude and high self-esteem. You can do it.  You are worthy of the respect of your peers, family and friends. Just keep planting positive affirmations in your mind and acting in a confident manner.

If you need assistance, please go to:
http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com

You will be glad you did.

In gratitude,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker