Archive for February, 2010
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
Hello from beautiful Montana;
Teach all children in blended families to assume personal responsiblity. See http://www.KidsChoresandMore.com for great ideas. You will be glad you did.
As I go around the country teaching parenting and family relationship communication, I frequently hear about stepkids having more than sibling rivalry, but outright war with each other. When adults marry, they hope that the children will get along, cooperate with chore charts and want to become a blended family. What they may not take into consideration is the children are going through different stages of emotional, physical and spiritual growth.
Helping Family Work Together on Project to Build Trust
The most successful families I have seen have held family meetings where the whole group gets to solve small problems before they become large ones, have a fun activity and work together on a common goal. Perhaps the goal is to go to Dairy Queen when the chores are done. It might be rent a movie and have popcorn together.
In a family meeting each child has the opportunity to choose and own the chore they will do in the allotted time. Form teams with a parent and child. This is not a competition! This is an opportunity for the child to have some one on one time with the non custodial parent and then come together as a family for the reward.
Even if the rules in the other home are different than the rules in your house, you will want to create an atmosphere of cooperation and teamwork. When everyone is given a “voice and a choice” in what needs to be done to make a house a home, most are more willing to assume responsibility.
If the other parent decides to allow the children to get by without doing chores, you have no control over that decision. Children will have to live with different rules where ever they go in life. They have different expectations at school, church and activities and they can adjust if given loving guidance and acceptance. Helping other family members build trust and unity.
You will be teaching life-skills as well as bonding with the child over chores or projects.
Use this time to model character and to appreciate the skills and helpfulness of the child. Be consistent and caring as you work together to create a comfortable home. Your goal as a blended family is not to become stricter and more authority bound, but to present a united team and to welcome members of the family whenever and however they come to this house.
For more in depth information on this subject, please go to http://www.kidschoresandmore.com You will be so glad you did.
Your friend,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
For more reading about teaching life skills to stepkids in blended family visit kidschoresandmore.com
Tags: Blended family, divorce on kids, help with chores, Judy H. Wright, lack of respect with kids, non custodial parent, parenting plan, rules in stepfamily, step kids fight, step-family, stepkids
Posted in Communication, Family, Judy H. Wright, Parenting, child behavior issues | 1 Comment »
Friday, February 19th, 2010
Auntie Artichoke suggests you find ways to connect to step children that make them feel special.
Hello from beautiful Montana:
It is important that it takes time, effort and a great deal of patience to blend two families. Just because the adults have gone through a marriage ceremony or feel committed to each other, it does not automatically blend personalities, experiences and expectations. Children in step families have a number of emotions that come into play when a non-parent suddenly enters the picture.
Life during the courtship period is frequently unrealistic as well as confusing. Daily life takes teamwork and cooperation to make a house a home. You may not be the natural Daddy or the Daddy they wanted, but you do deserve respect. Respect is earned and does not come automatically.
Step families Are Special
Parenting is hard enough in the first place and children love to test the limits of our patience and skills. Please remember that the children did not ask to be in this position and are understandably concerned and trying to work out the relationships in their own minds.
The child may have been in a position where the mother’s boyfriend gave him treats or special attention in order to win the affections of both mother and child. Now, in a day-to-day experience it takes a lot of give and take to make the family work, and rewards are not forthcoming for just being there. Generally speaking, the premarital adult-child relationships may be confusing for mature adults as well as children.
Regular Family Meetings
The most successful families I have worked with have always had a regular family meeting or round-table weekly. This enables all members of the blended family to discuss issues, set goals and clarify situations. These meetings, which allow both parents and children to participate and become empowered. Held on a weekly basis, many small problems can be solved before they become large ones.
Discussing problems and expectations on a regular basis allows everyone to feel part of the team. Make sure that you and your spouse are united on goals for the family and that you show respect and kindness to each other and the children. A good parenting plan includes all responsible adults.
You Are Not My Daddy
One of the main issues of step parenting is to do your level best to respect and honor the relationship the child has with the biological parent, but still offering love and attention. Talk about the biological parent in positive or neutral terms. If you speak negatively about the parent, the child will feel defensive, guilty and as if he too was being judged harshly.
If the biological or “real daddy” was negligent or a poor parent, your job is to empathize with the child. As you demonstrate that you are going to be a permanent, but loving part of the child’s life, there will be less and less power struggles.
Kids, Chores and More
As you work with the blended or step-family be sure to teach respect and responsibility as life skills. You will find information on Family meetings, appropriate expectations and fun activities to blend your family.
Good Luck. You do an important job.
Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
http://www.kidschoresandmore.com
Tags: blended famiily, Child, child care, communication with step kids, discipline step children, Family, family meetings, goal setting for blended family, Judy H. Wright, Marriage, Montana, new parent in family, parent, parenting plan, step - dad, step parent, step-families, Stepfamily
Posted in Communication, Family, Judy H. Wright, Parenting, Uncategorized, Wellness, building self confidence, child behavior issues | No Comments »
Monday, February 15th, 2010
Hello from beautiful Montana,
One of the most important tasks a parent does is help their child to feel good about who they are and to have confidence to succeed.
Do your children know your hereos and mentors? Why do you admire them?
There is very little correlation between good grades and success in life. Are you surprised? I was certainly amazed to find that of the valedictorians and the “C” or even “D” student years later, it was not academics that prepared them for life. It was those who felt empowered by the adults in their life who knew they could contribute to the world.
As parents, grandparents and other caring adults, we can share respect and admiration with our children for those who go the extra mile. We can help them to find heroes and then examine the character traits that made them who they are.
Heroes Inspire Us To Become All We Can Be
Heroes are mortal just like us. Everything which has ever been done in the history of the world has been done by somebody. Some person pulled on those character traits in their heart and responded with courage, bravery, loyalty or honesty. If they can do it so can we.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said “The hero is no braver than the ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.”
Our children will be at the forefront of great inventions and thinking involving global warming, environment, the global economy and helping humanity. We help them to be problem-solvers and forward thinkers, by introducing them to the men and women who have given the world an example of character and valor.
Help Children Find Heroes and Build Character
Who do you admire in life? What are the teachings that shaped your destiny? How do you define leadership? Does your child recognize those who step up from the ordinary and act in a brave and courageous way?
Take the time to talk about the heroes and mentors in your life and the lives of others who have shared stories. Include stories and examples not only of world leaders, but also heroes in your family, neighborhood and community. Be sure that you include those who have died but whose character traits and example live on. It is important for children to learn that character traits and responsibility are a part of who they are.
They have the choice to build character by the choices made on a daily basis. Making a choice to follow a path forged by heroes is an honorable one which will bring joy and progress to others, not just satisfy a selfish whim. As parents and other caring adults, we help foster these characteristics in our children the same way we teach other desirable traits; by practice and example.
I have confidence in your ability to assist your children to find heroes in life and to build character strengths on a daily basis.
In gratitude,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
http://www.ArtichokePress.com
Tags: Courage, Global warming, Human, Invention, Montana, Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
Help your children learn self soothing techniques when they are upset.
Hello from beautiful Montana,
When you have a headache do you rub your temples or push hard with your index finger between your eyes? How about when you were upset, did you hold your belly or hug yourself tightly? Do you rub your neck when other people are literally giving you “a pain in the neck?”
If so, you are doing what comes naturally, but has been called the Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT for short. EFT is a soothing technique that releases feelings of stress, anger and buried resentment. Why wouldn’t you want to teach your child to find ways to break negative thought patterns and become calm?
Self Soothing and Self Care
Dr. Terry Brazelton, author of TouchPoints says one of the most important coping skills we can teach ourselves and our children is how to take care of yourself when you are upset or stressed. Many adults head for food, alcohol, or drugs when life gets sticky, mainly because we have not developed other coping skills.
We can help children learn techniques of self-soothing so they do not turn to detrimental things like out of control anger, misuse of drugs and alcohol and defiant behavior. No one likes the feeling of being out of control. We can empower our children to take care of their needs with simple strategies that do not depend on outside sources. EFT is a soothing and easy to use technique that releases feelings of stress by rubbing or tapping acupressure points in order to balance your energy.
Why Massage Feels So Good
We are electrical beings with many electromagnetic fields in the body. Our physical body, which we can see and touch and our energy body which we cannot see. Positive and negative thoughts and belief systems have electrical charges. When you are stressed, these electrical charges can get stuck and out of balance.
You may find spots on your body that are tender when you get a massage. Perhaps you didn’t even realize they were sore until they were rubbed. It feels good to release those knots of tension and move your muscles more freely.
Tapping on Emotional Bumps
Tapping while you think about what upsets you helps smooth out those too-much and too-little energy places. When you tap you release the energy so it can flow more smoothly. Breathing and talking about your feelings helps to let them go. Deep breathing goes past the rib cage down into the belly and helps create relaxation.
Emotional Freedom Technique is very effective and can be taught easily to children and will benefit them for the rest of their lives.
I am preparing a special report on using EFT for children, so be sure to check back often to get up to date information that will assist you and your family to gain the necessary skills for a happy life.
In gratitude,
Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
http://www.ArtichokePress.com
Tags: acupressure points on body, Child, Cognitive Behavioral Psychology, Coping skill, Dr. Terry Brazelton, EFT, emotional freedom technique, Health, help children overcome stress, Judy Helm Wright, massage feels good, Mental Health, Montana, negative thoughts, Pain, self-soothing, Stress, Tapping for relief
Posted in Family, Judy H. Wright, Parenting, Wellness, body language, building self confidence, child behavior issues | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
Hello from Montana:
What constitutes respect for others? Is being respectful the key to healthy relationships? Do you have to like someone to be considerate, kind and courteous? How do you work in a relationship where there is an uneven balance of power? Even if you disagree with someone can you respect their rights?
Several years ago there was a study done of 100 self made millionaires. They ranged in age from young 19 to well over 70. Their educational experiences extended from grade school to the Ph.D level. They differed in almost all characteristics, except they were all found to be respectful of other people.
Everyone Can Learn and Teach
They had determined early in their careers that everyone had something to teach and to share. They built respectful relationships by learning from others. Even those who do not believe as you do, or look like you or speak like you, still have something to share and should be given the right to share in some way.
We tend to treat people like we see them. If we see them as arrogant, snooty or even shy, we tend to treat them in that manner. I just did a radio show recently about a second chance at making a good first impression. You will want to listen to that one, if you haven’t already.
Live Up to Expectations
Once you find the good or ability in other people you treat him or her better and thus they perform better. We all tend to live up to the expectations of other people. I have seen children who were average students with one teacher and then become top producers with encouragement and acceptance.
If we see people worthy of respect, then we will treat them that way. Even when they do not demonstrate their respect for us, we can still treat them with courtesy.
A quote that I love says “If you take a man as he is, you make him worse than he was, but if you see him as being the best person possible, then he, in fact, become the best person possible.”
Courage To Keep Trying
Encouragement is giving someone the courage to keep progressing on an upward road, to move ahead and to fulfill their destiny. By giving respect and understanding to others in our relationship, we will all move forward. A life journey is seldom without some failure, or detours. When we can acknowledge the progress and respect the effort as well as the individual, we will have a better world.
Please come and join our community of kind, thoughtful people who want understanding and respect for all.You will find us at….
http://www.artichokepress.com
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All healthy relationships are based on respect and trust.
You will also want to go to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a workbook and bonus items that will assist you in building confidence in the future and courage today.
Thanks for sharing your time with me today,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
Tags: Artichoke Press, building confidence, disrepect for others, Judy H. Wright, manners towards others, Montana, personal growth, respect for others, self improvement, showing respect for people, what is respect
Posted in Communication, Confidence Clues, Current Affairs, Judy H. Wright, Self-Esteem, Wellness, building self confidence | No Comments »
Monday, February 8th, 2010
Auntie Artichoke Says: Children need encouragement. They need to have you cheering their progress and celebrating their success.
Greeting to those who love children;
As caring adults who want to find methods of encouraging positive character traits in the children and youth we love or work with, we want to give messages that reinforce their efforts. There are really only two kinds of messages that we can give young people–
- Hurtful ones that diminish or belittle them as individuals and break the spirit. The result is that we dis”couarage’ them from trying again.
- Love signals in verbal and non verbal ways that give them courage to keep trying, to celebrate talents and possibilities.
Children Prefer Beatings to Being Ignored
When I first heard that statement, I was shocked and saddened. As I have visited with those who suffered childhood trauma and abuse, they have shared the feeling that they were invisible, except for the abuse. No child should feel that way. Ever.Ever. Ever.
We often read about the commercial messages that our children are bombarded with each day and become concerned that they will believe erroneous advertising. The messages they receive from their parents and peer group is much more important and has the power to deeply alter their self esteem and identity.
Body Language is Communication of Relationships
Not all signals and sentences come from what we say, but rather how we act when we are present with our children. The crook of an eyebrow, a gesture of the hand, the pat on the back, the wink the smile, the frown, the crossed arms and impatient look are all gestures that speak volumes to others.
What is the message that a smile and a hug sends to a worried child on test day? We are encouraging them to do their best and letting them know that we love the person they are, not the test grade. When we rub our child’s back before bed, or snuggle close to watch a favorite movie we are sharing non-verbal words and encouragement.
Words to Encourage Positive Behavior
- You are very special and I have confidence you will find a good solution.
- I am impressed by how kind you were last week to our neighbor.
- You are a problem solver. Can you see what has to be done next?
- That took a lot of courage. I was impressed with your bravery.
- It looks like you are understanding the math problems. It feels good to finally “get it” doesn’t it?
- You have a good brain, I am interested to see what you think about this?
- You have really made some good choices this week. Good job.
A simple message given to our child becomes their truth and that truth then becomes their belief system and ultimately their self confidence and esteem. Thoughts and belief system govern their actions, their satisfactions and their joy.
If you would like additional assistance on encouraging words please see http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com
You will be glad you did.
Your friend, Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
PS: Would love to have you visit our community
http://www.ArtichokePress.com
Tags: Artichoke Press, Auntie Artichoke, body language in communication, building confidence, encouraging phrases for teachers and parents, encouraging positive character, enouraging words for children, good things to say, hild, Judy H. Wright, negative messages, positive feedback for family, positive messages for children, positive self esteem, positive words to say, ways to encourage good behavior
Posted in Communication, Family, Judy H. Wright, Parenting, Self-Esteem, Wellness, body language, building self confidence, child behavior issues | 3 Comments »
Saturday, February 6th, 2010
Hello from beautiful Missoula:
Assuming personal responsibility is one of the measures of a mature individual. This is a goal for each of us and one we want to teach our children. This act of assuming personal responsibility is the willingness to think for myself and to act wisely with choices from my own mind. Others may have influence over me and may instruct, give tools, assist, and try to persuade me to go against my best interest. However, I do not grant others authority or my consciousness or follow blindly when I do not understand or agree.
When one act responsibly, it is with the agreement that the achievement of my happiness is my own job. No one else has the power to “make me happy” or “make me mad.”
I know that I, alone, am responsible for my life, well-being, attitude and actions in all those areas that are open to my choice.
What is Not My Responsibility?
Just as I determine what I am responsible for, I need to recognize and acknowledge all that I am not responsible for. I can control my own actions and thoughts, but I am not responsible for control other people’s thoughts and actions. I can influence them with new information or ideas but do not have the power or the right to control their minds and lives.
As parents, we have a responsibility to teach character traits and values. Does this insure that our children will not reject the teachings and make wrong choices? No, each individual has the right to make choices for their lives. Sometimes parents in my parenting classes will be racked with guilt because they taught and modeled honesty and their son still shoplifted.
Lack The Power To Control Others
Many feel that it is their responsibility to help others make wise choices. They imagine themselves to posses a power no one posses; the power to determine the choices another person will make. If we learn that we do not have control over the minds and lives of others, we must also accept that we do not have complete and unlimited control over our own lives either.
Forces Beyond Our Choices Occur
It is a hard lesson to learn that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Individuals do suffer through no fault or responsibility of their own. Choices are frequently very limited. All of us are affected at times by political,economic, environmental conditions that we do not choose. We do have options, that are within our responsibly, of how we react or respond to those forces.
You are invited to claim your free ebook on Use Encouraging Words at http://www.useencouragingwords.com
Auntie Artichoke Asks- What is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility?
Tags: best intersts, do not grant others authority, Judy H. Wright, mature individual, personal responisbiltiy, responsiblity for choices, teach children to make wise choices, think for yourself
Posted in Communication, Confidence Clues, Judy H. Wright, Parenting, Self-Esteem, Wellness, building self confidence, child behavior issues | No Comments »
Friday, February 5th, 2010
Auntie Artichoke supports parents, grandparents, teachers, day care providers and all those who love children. Thank you for your important work.
Hello From Montana:
When you speak to your child, can you count more negative or positive words coming out of your mouth? Formal studies with learned psychologists have shown that it takes at least seven positive comments to undo a negative remark. My own informal studies working with parents and families tell me that many of the hurtful things said to children by parents and teachers never go away.
Plant Positive Thoughts in Garden of the Mind
Our subconscious brains are like gardens and what is planted there will multiply and grow in our thoughts and actions. Children internalize the words and actions of adults that they trust and love. If the messages you send through verbal and non verbal (body language) communication are negative or demeaning, the child will lose confidence in herself and her ability to affect her life for the better.
How does the child see herself when she looks through your eyes? If you are giving out labels of incompetence, lazy or stupid, you can count on your child believing your assessment of her as a person. If the message you send through your words, actions and attitudes is mistrust, disappointment, fear, worry or lack of confidence— those negative attitudes will slowly, but surely erode away the self esteem.
Example of Mother and Daughter
In my parenting workshops, I sometimes use the example of a mother and daughter with the daughter holding a piece of paper in her hand. Every time the mother makes a negative remark, demeaning comment or judgment about worth, the daughter tears a piece of the paper off and allows it to fall on the floor. When the mom makes a positive comment, we try to stick a little piece back on, but it frequently doesn’t stick.
It is a powerful visual reminder to parents to correct the behavior but not break the spirit of the child.
What Do You Like About Your Child?
How often do you compliment your child’s character strengths? I challenge you to frequently ask your child “Do you know what I like about you?”
These are the qualities of the heart. The important parts of what makes a good person. These are the values to be celebrated;
- generous attitude
- helpful to others
- kind to animals
- dependable
- fair
- friendly
- grateful
- honest
- loving
- sincere
- trustworthy
- loyal
- truthful
Whatever character traits you recognize, encourage your child to look at herself with an optimistic attitude. Help her to affirm all the qualities she has that will help her in her life. Assist the self confidence and self esteem in children and help them to see themselves as empowered to not let outside influences determine their worth. Hopefully, when your child holds up a mirror on her life she will see a strong, vital and worthy woman who is confident in life.
You are invited to http://www.ConfidenceClues.com
for even more information to empower your child to be self confident.
Your friend,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
http://www.ConfidenceClues.com
Tags: Artichoke Press, character traits, encouraging children, encouraging words and phrases, families, helping kids make friends, Judy H. Wright, langauge of love, overcoming shyness, Parenting, parents, self confidence, self-esteem in children
Posted in Communication, Confidence Clues, Family, Judy H. Wright, Parenting, body language, building self confidence, child behavior issues | No Comments »
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
Hello from beautiful Montana:
Not only in Montana, but all over the world today children and teens are dreading the lunch bell. Why? Because they know that they will be teased, tormented and bullied when they are in a common area with other kids. Harsh and ugly words and phrases are hurled at the child and usually in the presence of classmates, which is embarrassing. There are usually power struggles for “Queen Bees” and the “Wannabees” in girls and the “Alpha Male” in the boys. Teasing and trading insults may be a way of getting acquainted or finding the group of friends who are friendly to the child.
Friendly and Unfriendly Teasing
If a child’s self esteem in grade school is dependent on relationships with peers, they need to learn to not take every remark as a personal insult. Hopefully, you and your child can understand that teasing can be friendly or unfriendly. Even saying a phrase like “Hello” or “Get out of here” can take on many different meaning with a change in tone of voice and body language.
Most communication is non verbal and so the child has to pay attention to not only what the other children say but how they say it.
Verbal Language is Exchange of Information
The words and greetings exchanged on the playground can often depend more on the mood and experiences of the speaker than on the one being addressed. However, people in general and children in particular, tend to personalize anything that is said. Helping them to interpret words and gestures to understand what the intent is behind the words.
Non Verbal Language is Communication of Relationships
Most emotional and relationship connecting people is nonverbal. So to understand other people the ability to read body language is huge. Some children, because of their difficulty in reading other people’s cues (especially in groups) need to practice and role play interacting with others. Children also need to have confidence in their ability to like and be liked by other people.
Teasing on the playground will be easier to interpret by children who have gained some understanding that relationships bring pleasure and belonging along with the flip side of disappointment and frustration. Here are some non verbal cue and clues to help them:
Clues for Unfriendly and Friendly Teasing
Hostile facial expression Smiling facial expression
Sarcastic tone of voice Joking tone of voice
Fists, Arms crossed Hands open
“In your face” Standing next to child being teased
Encourage Your Child To Problem Solve
When the child complains that they are being teased with hurtful words, the parents naturally feel the hurt as much or more than the child does. Be careful that you are not setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. Teach them the skills they will need to help themselves. If you would like assistance in encouraging your child, please go to:
http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com
In support and joy,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
PS: Help your kids to assume personal responsibility for their feelings and emotions. You will always be grateful and so will they.
PSS: Be sure to take a look at this http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com
Tags: "Queen Bee" power struggles on the playground, body language, confidence, friendship at school, Judy H. Wright, non verbal communication, playground pecking order, playground politics, Self-Esteem, teasing other children, words can hurt
Posted in Books, Confidence Clues, Family, Parenting, Self-Esteem, body language, building self confidence, child behavior issues | No Comments »
