Ask Auntie Artichoke

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Not only in Montana, but all over the world today children and teens are dreading the lunch bell.  Why?  Because they know that they will be teased, tormented and bullied when they are in a common area with other kids. Harsh and ugly words and phrases are hurled at the  child and usually in the presence of classmates, which is embarrassing. There are usually power struggles for “Queen Bees” and the “Wannabees” in girls and the “Alpha Male” in the boys. Teasing and  trading insults may be a way of getting acquainted or finding the group of friends who are friendly to the child.

Friendly and Unfriendly Teasing

If a child’s self esteem in grade school is dependent on relationships with peers, they need to learn to not take every remark as a personal insult.  Hopefully, you and your child can understand that teasing can be friendly or unfriendly.  Even saying a phrase like “Hello” or “Get out of here” can take on many different meaning with a change in tone of voice and body language.

Most communication is non verbal and so the child has to pay attention to not only what the other children say but how they say it.

Verbal Language is Exchange of Information

The words and greetings exchanged on the playground can often depend more on the mood and experiences of the speaker than on the one being addressed.  However, people in general and children in particular, tend to personalize anything that is said.  Helping them to interpret words and gestures to understand what the intent is behind the words.

Non Verbal Language is Communication of Relationships

Most emotional and relationship connecting people is nonverbal. So to understand other people the ability to read body language is huge.  Some children, because of their difficulty in reading other people’s cues (especially in groups) need to practice and role play interacting with others. Children also need to have confidence in their ability to like and be liked by other people.

Teasing on the playground will be easier to  interpret  by children who have gained some understanding that relationships bring pleasure and belonging along with the flip side of disappointment and frustration. Here are some non verbal cue and clues to help them:

Clues for Unfriendly and Friendly Teasing

Hostile facial expression                  Smiling facial expression

Sarcastic tone of voice                     Joking tone of voice

Fists, Arms crossed                           Hands open

“In your face”                                      Standing next to child being teased

Encourage Your Child To Problem Solve

When the child complains that they are being teased with hurtful words, the parents naturally feel the hurt as much or more than the child does. Be careful that you are not setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Teach them the skills they will need to help themselves. If  you would like assistance in encouraging your child, please go to:

http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

In support and joy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Help your kids to assume personal responsibility for their feelings and emotions.   You will always be grateful and so will they.

PSS:   Be sure to take a look at this    http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

Hello;

Greetings from Griz Country - Montana

 As a relationship author and parent educator, I am often asked to speak about many topics concerning families.  It is such a treat to see parents taking responsibility for raising kids that are kind, thoughtful, creative and respectful of all.  When I see parents and teachers working together in partnership, I know the child will be successful.

Teachers Enhance What Parents Have Taught

Parents, child care providers and extended families have few responsiblities more important or more rewarding than helping children to learn.  The love of learning is a pattern that is established in early years and then enhanced as the child and subject matter grows.  As a parent, you are your child’s first and best teacher Children learn what is modeled and appreciated by the adults in their life.

No Need To Be A Teacher To Teach

Many parents tell me that they don’t feel qualified to teach their children. I disagree.  The best education is an ongoing endeavor and you and your child can learn together.  Use your daily activities to informally teach your children about reading, math, geography, and science as well as to be an observent part of the world around us.  There is a huge connection between academic knowledge and the skills you use and share every day at home and work. 

Children Are Naturally Curious

During their pre-school years the child’s brain is developing at an amazing speed. Even though your daily activities may seem boring to you, to your child they provide a wide view into the world around them.  The most important things you can do to assist your child’s brain to expand is to read, sing and talk to them every opportunity you have.

When they are able to connect words and language to daily experiences, they are more apt to seek out even more and exciting information.  When you read to your child, they almost automatically learn about written language, tone of voice, facial expressions and that reading is a fun thing to do. Show them the shapes of letters and help her find her initials in the book or newspaper.

Work and play can be a great learning time.  When your child is in the kitchen with you, encourage them to taste,smell, feel and describe the different foods. Talk to your child as you prepare meals and  answer his questions. Be sure to ask him what he thinks the answer is. Help the creative juices to start flowing early in life.

Research has shown that children who have a good vocabulary and are aware of the names and sounds of letters when they begin school, learn to read sooner and consistently do better at studies. Parents, grandparents, care providers and extended families are the first and best teacher to the children they love.

I salute your important work with raising responsible children. You will want to claim the free report on responsible children at http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

You will be glad you did.

Your friend,

Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Developing responsibility in children is important in most families. As I work with parents, grandparents, teachers and other caring adults who work with kids who are in school, I hear the following questions about responsibility;

• How do I get my child to do homework
• How do I get my child to clean his room
• How do I get my child to do his chores
• How do I get my child to feed the pet
• How do I get my child to practice the piano
• How do I get my child to speak to the family with respect

The problem is that responsible and acceptable behavior is different for every person and every child.  When children are in school there are lots of new and exciting adventures that take their thoughts and energy away from the task at hand.

Difference between obedience and responsibility

One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn is that you can’t make anyone do anything long term. You can force your child to do their homework tonight by yelling, screaming and threatening, but I promise you he will dislike school and you.

The difference between obedience and responsibility often comes down to this simple distinction, Who owns the problem. If you realize that the dog is hungry and you fix it by filling the food dish, but punish or yell at the child, you still own the problem.  You will be telling the child to feed the pet every day and he will expect you to tell him  and then lecture or else feed the dog.

Obedience needs no agreement or buy-in from the child. The motivation comes from an outside force, in this case, you making the child feel guilty.

Responsibility, however, involves the acceptance and understanding of the natural (the dog has no way to feed himself) and logical (the child feeds the dog before he eats breakfast and dinner) consequences.

Chore Charts Tell Child What Is Expected

When the parent is in the telling position and the child is in the doing position, which means the child won’t do if the parent doesn’t tell.  The chore chart is a wonderful tool for pulling adults away from always telling the child what to do and when to do it.  Chore charts shift the responsibility to the child and makes the chart the regulator and judge, not the adult.

Chore Charts or job lists or behavior calendars get the emotion out of the situation and strengthens both independence and responsibility.  The best advantage of a chore chart that has been agreed on at a family council is the “buy-in” from all parties.  Everyone knows what is expected to be done and the time frame for accomplishing said task and have decided and agreed on the consequences if it is not done.

Schools are not the teachers of responsibility. Their job is to enhance what has already been learned and modeled in the home and care giving situations. Those of us who love the child need to find methods and techniques to help the child to assume personal responsibility for their decisions and actions.  We increase the odds of teaching the child to work independently by being consistent and realistic in our expectations.

Be sure to check out http://www.responsiblechildren.com for a free report on “30 Ways To Get Your Kids To Help At Home.”  You will be glad you did.

With gratitude for the important work you do with children,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Do you know an organization that is looking for a dynamic keynote speaker on responsibility?

I give a very generous finder’s fee.

Hello from Montana:

As many of you know, I work with Hospice occasionally, especially gathering end of life stories. It is a sacred work and one that helps bring closure to a person’s time on this earth.  Most people are not afraid to die, but are afraid to have died in vain.  they want to know they will be remembered and that they somehow contributed to the universal cause of making it a better world.

Nothing Would Be the Same If You Did Not Exist

By gathering the little tales of triumph and tragedy, it is possible to see how a pattern of ones lives develops.  We are all connected, and we are all affected and touched by the decision and even the existence of those around us.

There was a study done with elderly patients some time ago in Berkley asking them their main regrets in life.  In different words, but similar meaning every life story I have conduced comes down to these three regrets:

1. I wish I would have risked more. My own mother said that she choose the unknown when the known would have been fine.
2. I wish I would have reflected more. Actually taken the time to stop and smell the roses and to determine; “Is this who I want to be?  Is this where I want to go” Is this the kind of person I admire?”
3. I wish I would have contributed more. This quality is not necessarily sharing money, even though that is important.  But it is also sharing emotions, thoughts and encouragement to others.

Many studies of older Americans find that one of the best predictors of happiness is whether a person considers his or her life to have a purpose.  Without a clearly defined purpose, seven in ten

people feel unsettled and nervous about their lives. Those who have determined that they do indeed have a purpose and they had added value and meaning to the world are content with their lives, no matter how much time they have left.

I have confidence in your purpose. It is a pleasure to connect our spirits in this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all the world.

Judy Helm Wright, aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://artichokepress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

As a parent educator, I teach families that the 3 best ways to insure their babies success in school and life is to:

• Talk to them ( tell them stories, tell them where their nose is, tell them what is going on in the room around them.)
• Read to them (babies love the sound of your voice and children love the closeness of cuddling on the sofa to read books. Ideally, you should read to them at least 20 minutes every day to enrich their vocabulary and use of the language.
• Sing to them (sing  a nursery rhythm, nonsense song or a current top hit – babies need to learn about pitch, tone and volume too)

The communication skills taught in very young children instill a love of learning and a vocabulary that will assist them in various academic situations.

Nurture Positive and Encouraging Communication

This is best done when you can find these factors in the home and family;

1. The atmosphere  is warm and accepting. There is not a lot of judgement or rigid and unbending rules.
2. Each member of the family is allowed to be unique and different. They are not locked into labels “The shy one” or roles “the good one.”
3. The family enjoys being together and can laugh and play with each other.
4. Members of the family feel that they can voice a different opinion and still be heard.
5. The guidelines of the family are kind but firm.

Healthy family who have healthy communication is a goal for all of us. Especially if we were brought up in a family that did not allow open conversation and dialog.

To learn more about this subject, you are invited to go to: http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com You will be glad you did.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote motivational speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

You want to be self-confident and you want to build that inner core of strength in your children and grandchildren or you wouldn’t have been drawn here. Something in those words resonated with your heart.

You have taken the first step on a wonderful journey that will help you to recognize and teach that you and yours are good human beings and worthy of respect and love.

Here is a small video you will enjoy; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaGbg3yKyuo

Even if you tend to see the negative or look at life with pessimistic eyes, it is possible to change your viewpoint. Becoming an encouraging person with an attitude of gratitude is a skill. It is not an overnight acquisition nor is it something that can be purchased. Skills take work and practice. They take a dogged determination to overcome obstacles in order to gain a reward.

It takes a process similar to improving any other skill you have conquered in your life. Think back on when you learned to ride a bike, play an instrument, or speak a foreign language. Who was it that taught you the basics and encouraged your efforts as you kept trying, even after falling off again and again?

Most of us want to play the piano, but not learn the scales and practice each day. Many wish they spoke a foreign language, but don’t want to take the time, money and effort to study.

It takes becoming and practice before it becomes a part of our being. Confidence in self and a positive attitude cannot be wished into being. It is a lifelong skill that requires commitment, time and consistent practice.

In order to learn any skill you must have a deep desire to:

1. Be aware and clear in your mind of the advantages in learning something new and incorporating it in your life.
2. Ask to be mentored or taught by someone you trust.
3. Learn the basics of the task or skill but don’t expect perfection right away.
4. Expect some setbacks and don’t become discouraged.
5. Set up a plan of action with measurable steps in order to reach an ultimate goal.
6. Focus on effort and use self-encouragement.
7. Move forward and do something every day to take advantage of momentum.
8. Enjoy the skill as it becomes automatic action and enhances your life.

Changing your outlook to one of encouragement and positive outcome will be a life skill that will not only affect you but everyone around you.

You are invited to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com to read more about this process of building your self confidence and self-esteem.  You will be so glad that you took the steps to overcome anxiety and fear and step into the light.

Your Friend and Supporter,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

As caring adults(either by DNA or friendship) we want to create a safe and nurturing space in order to build strong family relationships.  We also want the kind of  family relationship  where each child is a connected child within the family.

Here are a few ideas we have used in our family and have been suggested by other close families in my parenting classes.  Use these ideas as springboards to decide what can enhance the relationships and build a strong family.

1. Create an  home environment where feelings can be shared This means that we give names to our emotions and not just feel mad, sad and glad.  Even anger is an appropriate emotion at times.  We need to continually be learning methods of expressing feelings without hurting others.
2. Spend Time with the Kids The idea of quality time is over used.  What kids want is just your time. They want you there completely when you are there. If you can only spare 15 minutes to play Candy Land, then be present for the whole time.  Be involved in their activities with them.
3. Be Open and Approachable With All Members of the Family Make an effort to be nonjudgmental and to listen to all sides of the story.  Many parents just want to be “right.”  For every situation there are at least five solutions so listen to your kids, they may teach you something.
4. Let The Family Know That Love is Unconditional You may be disappointed at what they did, but are never disappointed with them as individuals.  Make sure everyone knows that your emotional support and love are not tied to accomplishments, looks or achievements.  We love each other in spite of…not because of.

Good luck in building strong family relationships.  Trust me it is worth the effort to bind your tribe, family and group into a solid foundation of love and support.

I have confidence in you.  If you would like more information on raising responsible children please go to:

http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

Fondly,  Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from chilly Montana:

If you are a male born between 1961 and 1980, and you have children, you are called a generation X Dad.  You are building connections with kids who are born between 1981 and 2002 and are part of the Generation Y.

Huh? What? Whatsup? No Way

Have you ever wondered if you and your teen or tween were speaking a different language.  The answer is yes.  You each come from a different part of history,  different learning styles and especially different expectations of self and others.

Differences in Generation X and Generation Y

Generation X:

• Skeptical outlook – but don’t mind change
• Balanced work ethic, like time off for fun
• Unimpressed by authority or titles
• Most likely to start their own business
• Reluctant to commit, want to be self reliant

Generation Y:

• They generally have an optimistic outlook
• They are committed to working at a variety of jobs to earn a living
• Much more respectful of diversity
• They will follow an individual or a dream, but not necessarily an organization
• Don’t automatically trust and respect leaders, must be earned
• Hungry for tradition and family roots
• They are more empowered by their own confidence
• Want to be thought of as Problem Solvers – don’t like orders

Connections Between Generation X and Y

No matter what label society puts on us, we all want the same things from life;

1. Acceptance
2. Approval
3. Appreciation

If  Generation X dads are serious about building connections with kids, it is as simple as following the the 3 “A”s listed above.

You can do it.  I have confidence in your ability to use your influence as a father, teacher, mentor or grandfather to build lasting connections with kids.

If you would like the words to say, please claim a free eBook called Use Encouraging Words to Motivate Positive Action You will find it at:

http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

What constitutes respect?  Do you have to like someone to be considerate, kind and courteous?

How do you work in a relationship where there is an uneven balance of power?

Several years ago there was a study done of 100 self made millionaires.  They ranged in age from young 19 to well over 70.  Their educational experiences extended from grade school to the Ph.D level. They differed in almost all characteristics, except they were all found to be respectful of other people.

They had determined early in their careers that everyone had something to teach and to share. They built respectful relationships by learning from others.

We tend to treat people like we see them. If we see them as arrogant, snooty or even shy, we tend to treat them in that manner.  I just did a radio show recently about a second chance at making a good first impression.  You will want to listen to that one, if you haven’t already.

Once you find the good or ability in other people you treat him or her better and thus they perform better.  We all tend to live up to the expectations of other people.

If we see people worthy of respect, then we will treat them that way.  Even when they do not demonstrate their respect for us, we can still treat them with courtesy.

A quote that I love says “If you take a man as he is, you make him worse than he was, but if you see him as being the best person possible, then he, in fact, become the best person possible.”

Encouragement is giving someone the courage to keep trying, to move forward and to fulfill their destiny.  By giving respect and understanding to others in our relationship, we will all move forward.

Be sure to go to

http://www.artichokepress.com for a complete listing of books, reports, articles and videos by Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

You will also want to go to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a workbook and bonus items that will assist you in building confidence in the future and courage today.

Thanks for sharing.

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker