Why won’t my kid behave? What makes him so angry? How can I control his angry behavior? Why is his behavior rude and obnoxious? How can we teach respect and responsibility? Are all kids his age lazy?  What am I doing wrong?

Difficult Child or Child Having Difficult Day?

These are common questions that come up in parenting classes I teach and attend.    One of the biggest concerns of parents, teachers and care givers is how to get their kids to behave.  I know this for a fact, because my husband and I have six adult children, foster children and now grandchildren.  We see them with eyes of love and tolerance but are also aware that some children are more “high maintenance”  than others.

Labels Become Self Fulfilling Prophecies

There are many labels that adults put on children who do not immediately obey instructions. some are called ADD, ADDHD, Extreme kids, Indigo Child, Star Children and I have even heard them revered to as spoiled brats.  The problem with labels, titles and roles is that children soon begin to be that which they are called.  If they are seen as difficult, they will continue to be difficult.

Encouragement Toward Positive Goals

Although we may want and desire our children to automatically know what to do and say that will please us and society, life doesn’t work that way.  We must believe in our children if they are to believe in themselves.  In order to feel adequate and accepted, children need frequent encouragement.  A cooperative relationship depends on how children feel about themselves and their place in the world.

Although adults and other important people  do not cause children to misbehave, we can reinforce and encourage their misbehavior without being aware of what our expectations are for the child.  The child may be unaware that his action is seeking one of the four goals of misbehavior;

• Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Display of inadequacy

No effective parenting will work long term unless the whole family works together to build a respectful and positive relationship.  Most families with a difficult child who appears rude, defiant and lazy have tried everything before recognizing that it is a family concern and can only be resolved by working together.

Be Kind But Firm

Have a family council and decide what kind of a family you want to be and how to achieve those goals.  Set reasonable consequences and make sure the whole family understands what the rules and guidelines are going to be.  Don’t worry about every little infraction, but instead concentrate on a few behavior issues that are disrupting the quality of family life.  Ask the children to draw the chore calender or behavior chart.  Help them to become empowered with their own place in the family.

Consistent Consequences and Expectations

In my experience, it is not that parents don’t love their children, rather it is the opposite.  They want the best for the whole family but often discourage positive behavior by focusing on the negative.  Follow through and be consistent and you will be rewarded by not living with a difficult child, but rather a good kid having an occasional bad day.

I have confidence in you.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: Another great resource is http://www.kidschoresandmore.com which will help the whole family work together so there will be more free time for fun activities.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

This morning (at 6am!) I am speaking on a radio show for parents in New York.  As I was preparing (opening my eyes) I remembered a quiz I had prepared for a parenting class last year.  Hope you enjoy it. If you know most of the answers, you are a Super Saver and a wise steward over your money.

1. If you receive a credit card in the mail, it means that you automatically qualify?
2. When your child is small, it is necessary to have high top shoes so they can have strong ankles?
3. All foods are cheaper when they are made from scratch?
4. Try to shop on the perimeter of the store and avoid the inner aisles as much as possible.
5. Using coupons to buy products mean you will always get the best deal?
6. How do you stop your child from asking for candy, gum and toys when you take them shopping?
7. You always save more if you wait till you get to the store to see what is on sale?
8. When is the best time to go thrift store shopping?
9. When is best time to buy school supplies?
10. Is it  necessary to have meat at every meal?
11. If you have a money crisis, which bills do you pay first?

Answers:

1. No, it is a promotional gimmick and they still have to check your credit. You are not guaranteed the rate.
2. No, it is not necessary and in fact, it is better for them to walk barefoot or in little socks when they are learning to walk.
3. Not always, but generally.  Good examples of foods that are more expensive from scratch are orange juice and cakes.
4. True, the fresh fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy and bread products are usually on the outer edges.  The more prepared and packaged foot tends to be in the middle.
5. Many coupons are for products you would not ordinary use. Check the store brand.  It may be cheaper than the other with a coupon.  Ask the store if they will honor other store’s coupons.
6. Don’t take them shopping with you.  Pre-warn them that they may have an apple or bring along a toy from home.
7. You will always spend more! The longer you stay in the store, the more you will spend.  Bring your list, buy what is on it and get out.
8. Saturday evening, Sunday or Monday.  People bring in everything that has not sold from their garage sale.
9. Buy school supplies in August and store them for use all year.
10. Actually you will be healthier if you have two or three meatless meals in a week.
11. Always pay your housing first.  Keep a roof over your head. There are agencies to help with food and heating but you need shelter.

Spend twice as much time and half as much money on your child and you will all be happier.

Thank you for sharing time with us today,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

There are only two ways to get more money: 1) Increase your income 2)Decrease your outgo.

PS: If you are concerned about your child making friends, check out http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

PSS:  If you are concerned about child behavior issues, check out http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

You will be so glad you did.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Wow! Just when our children were raised and became intelligent, thoughtful and kind adults, along came our grandchildren

Teens and Young Adults Need Encouragement and Acceptance

who needed encouragement and guidance.  Today’s parents and teens face new challenges which make adolescence more troublesome than ever before.  But one thing will never change and that is that children, teenagers and indeed all human beings want to be accepted and encouraged.

Nagging is Natural, But Not Effective

When we nag teenagers, we annoy them by persistent fault-finding, criticisms, complaints and demands.  We usually fall back on nagging when our children neglect some duty that is routinely  expected of them, such as cleaning their rooms, doing homework, taking out the garbage, or picking up their stuff scattered all over the house.  It is not the teenager we are irritated with, but the behavior that infringes on our space and comfort.

However, young adults fail to carry out their responsibilities for any number of reasons. Their minds and bodies may be occupied with their own interests and forget how important this task is to you and the rest of the family.  Getting an adolescent to do what they should do or what needs to be done to make life run smoothly is not always easy.  But, our natural reaction of nagging is not only non productive but often makes the situation worse.

Mentor Teenagers Into Positive Behavior

• I am impressed with your strength. Last year you could only carry one bag of groceries and now it is two. (more…)

Ernest Hemingway once said: “The world breaks everyone. and afterward ,many are strong in the broken places.”

When we are going through adversity, it is not always possible to believe that everyone suffers loss and heartache.  It feels and acts very personal when bad luck and rotten life experiences happen to good people.

Our first response is “Why Me?“  We may question whether we did something to deserve this punishment or trouble. We may feel resentment for others who are not suffering and question why trouble did not choose them.  We may even add up all the bad, selfish and dishonest things a certain friend or acquaintance has done and yet still has good health and a big bank account.

It’s Not Fair

Life isn’t fair.  As a mother of six children I tried to hard at Christmas time to make the gifts come out even for everyone.  No matter how many times I counted and then made lists and then recounted, on Christmas morning during the bedlam of presents, paper and toys, I would realize it hadn’t been fair.  Someone had gotten a watch worth twenty dollars and someone had gotten a bracelet worth three dollars.  Some one had gotten the exact doll she wanted and someone else got the one that was in style last year.

We finally decided to recognize and joke that no matter what we did, it was never going to come out even.  But the joy was that  you knew that the chances were good that one day it would be your turn to get exactly what you wanted.  We would often recite the battle cry of large families and pre-schools around the world; “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.”

Luck or Life

Life is filled with luck and also filled with change and chance.  As Ernest Hemingway said earlier, we all get broken in some way and it is the broken places that make us strong.

Bad Luck is described as unforeseen occurrence, happenstance and yet good luck is described as prosperity, wealth, windfall, success, advantage, profit and triumph, happiness and blessings.  It is often from the luck that the opportunities for growth and development come to us.  When we take the chance to growth through loss, grief and adversity, we will become stronger and more resilient.  I know this is true, because I have experienced in my own life and the lives of countless friends and family.

Questions To Think About

1. Do you consider yourself lucky or unlucky?  Why?
2. Have you ever said “That’s not fair.” Why?
3. What do you think about when bad things happen to you?
4. Can you look back in your life and recognize how a certain situation helped you to grow personally and spiritually?

You are a good person and have been drawn to this information for a reason.  I have confidence in you and your ability to have a good life for you and your loved ones.  If you would like assistance in living a balanced life  please go to

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  You will want to claim your books, articles and telecasts at

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Helping out around the house

Hello from beautiful Montana;

As I go around the country teaching parenting and family relationship communication, I frequently hear about stepkids having more than sibling rivalry, but outright war with each other.  When adults marry, they hope that the children will get along, cooperate with chore charts and want to become a blended family. What they may not take into consideration is the children are going through different stages of emotional, physical and spiritual growth.

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Auntie Artichoke suggests you find ways to connect to step children that make them feel special.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

It is important that it takes time, effort and a great deal of patience to blend two families.  Just because the adults have gone through a marriage ceremony or feel committed to each other, it does not automatically blend personalities, experiences and expectations. Children in step families have a number of emotions that come into play when a non-parent suddenly enters the picture.

Life during the courtship period is frequently unrealistic as well as confusing. Daily life takes teamwork and cooperation to make a house a home. You may not be the natural Daddy or the Daddy they wanted, but you do deserve respect. Respect is earned and does not come automatically.

Step families Are Special

Parenting is hard enough in the first place and children love to test the limits of our patience and skills. Please remember that the children did not ask to be in this position and are understandably concerned and trying to work out the relationships in their own minds.

The child may have been in a position where the mother’s boyfriend gave him treats or special attention in order to win the affections of both mother and child.  Now, in a day-to-day experience it takes a lot of give and take to make the family work, and rewards are not forthcoming for just being there. Generally speaking, the premarital adult-child relationships may be confusing for mature adults as well as children.

Regular Family Meetings

The most successful families I have worked with have always had a regular family meeting or round-table weekly.  This enables all members of the blended family to discuss issues, set goals and clarify situations.  These meetings, which allow both parents and children to participate and become empowered.  Held on a weekly basis, many small problems can be solved before they become large ones.

Discussing problems and expectations on a regular basis allows everyone to feel part of the team.  Make sure that you and your spouse are united on goals for the family and that you show respect and kindness to each other and the children. A good parenting plan includes all responsible adults.

You Are Not My Daddy

One of the main issues of step parenting is to do your level best to respect and honor the relationship the child has with the biological parent, but still offering love and attention. Talk about the biological parent in positive or neutral terms.  If you speak negatively about the parent, the child will feel defensive, guilty and as if he too was being judged harshly.

If the biological or “real daddy” was negligent or a poor parent, your job is to empathize with the child. As you demonstrate that you are going to be a permanent, but loving part of the child’s life, there will be less and less power struggles.

Kids, Chores and More

As you work with the blended or step-family be sure to teach respect and responsibility as life skills. You will find information on Family meetings, appropriate expectations and fun activities to blend your family.

Good Luck.  You do an important job.

Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

Help your children learn self soothing techniques when they are upset.

Hello from beautiful Montana,

When you have a headache do you rub your temples or push hard with your index finger between your eyes? How about when you were upset, did you hold your belly or hug yourself tightly? Do you rub your neck when other people are literally giving you “a pain in the neck?”

If so, you are doing what comes naturally, but has been called the Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT for short. EFT is a soothing technique that releases feelings of stress, anger and buried resentment.  Why wouldn’t you want to teach your child to find ways to break negative thought patterns and become calm?

Self Soothing and Self Care

Dr. Terry Brazelton, author of TouchPoints says one of the most important coping skills we can teach ourselves and our children is how to take care of yourself when you are upset or stressed.  Many adults head for food, alcohol, or drugs when life gets sticky, mainly because we have not developed other coping skills.

We can help children learn techniques of self-soothing so they do not turn to detrimental things like  out of control anger, misuse  of drugs and alcohol and defiant behavior.  No one likes the feeling of being out of control.  We can empower our children to take care of their needs with simple strategies that do not depend on outside sources.  EFT is  a soothing and easy to use technique that releases feelings of stress by rubbing or tapping  acupressure points in order to balance your energy.

Why Massage Feels So Good

We are electrical beings with many electromagnetic fields in the body. Our physical body, which we can see and touch and our energy body which we cannot see.  Positive and negative thoughts and belief systems have electrical charges.  When you are stressed, these electrical charges can get stuck and out of balance.

You may find spots on your body that are tender when you get a massage. Perhaps you didn’t even realize they were sore until they were rubbed.  It feels good to release those knots of tension and move your muscles more freely.

Tapping on Emotional Bumps

Tapping while you think about what upsets you helps smooth out those too-much and too-little energy places.  When you tap you release the energy so it can flow more smoothly. Breathing and talking about your feelings helps to let them go. Deep breathing goes past the rib cage down into the belly and helps create relaxation.

Emotional Freedom Technique is very effective and can be taught easily to children and will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

I am preparing a special report on using EFT for children, so be sure to check back often to get up to date information that will assist you and your family to gain the necessary skills for a happy life.

In gratitude,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Auntie Artichoke Says: Children need encouragement. They need to have you cheering their progress and celebrating their success.

Greeting to those who love children;

As caring adults who want to find methods of encouraging positive character traits in the children and youth  we love or work with, we want to give messages that reinforce their efforts.  There are really only two kinds of messages that we can give young people–

• Hurtful ones that diminish or belittle them as individuals and break the spirit. The result is that we dis”couarage’ them from trying again.
• Love signals in verbal and non verbal ways that give them courage to keep trying, to celebrate talents and possibilities.

Children Prefer Beatings to Being Ignored

When I first heard that statement, I was shocked and saddened. As I have visited with those who suffered childhood trauma and abuse, they have shared the feeling that they were invisible, except for the abuse.  No child should feel that way. Ever.Ever. Ever.

We often read about the commercial messages that our children are bombarded with each day and become  concerned that they will believe erroneous advertising.  The messages they receive from their parents and peer group is much more important and has the power to deeply alter their self esteem and identity.

Body Language is Communication of Relationships

Not all signals and sentences come from what we say, but rather how we act when we are present with our children. The crook of an eyebrow, a gesture of the hand, the pat on the back, the wink the smile, the frown, the crossed arms and impatient look are all gestures that speak volumes to others.

What is the message that a smile and a hug  sends to a worried child on test day?  We are encouraging them to do their best and letting them know that we love the person they are, not the test grade.  When we rub our child’s back before bed, or snuggle close to watch a favorite movie we are sharing non-verbal words and encouragement.

Words to Encourage Positive Behavior

• You are very special and I have confidence you will find a good solution.
• I am impressed by how kind you were last week to our neighbor.
• You are a problem solver. Can you see what has to be done next?
• That took a lot of courage. I was impressed with your bravery.
• It looks like you are understanding the math problems. It feels good to finally “get it” doesn’t it?
• You have a good brain, I am interested to see what you think about this?
• You have really made some good choices this week. Good job.

A simple message given to our child becomes their truth and that truth then becomes their belief system and ultimately their self confidence and esteem.  Thoughts and belief system govern their actions, their satisfactions and their joy.

If you would like additional assistance on encouraging words please see http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com

You will be glad you did.

Your friend,  Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Would love to have you visit our community

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Missoula:

Assuming personal responsibility is one of the measures of a mature individual.  This is a goal for each of us and one we want to teach our children.  This act of assuming personal responsibility is the willingness to think for myself and to act wisely with choices from my own mind.  Others may have influence over me and may instruct, give tools, assist, and  try to persuade me to go against my best interest.  However,  I do not grant others authority or my consciousness or follow blindly when I do not understand or agree.

When one act responsibly, it is with the agreement that the achievement of my happiness is my own job. No one else has the power to “make me happy” or “make me mad.”

I know that I, alone, am responsible for  my life, well-being, attitude and actions in all those areas that are open to my choice.

What is Not My Responsibility?

Just as I determine what I am responsible for, I need to recognize and acknowledge all that I am not responsible for.  I can control my own actions and thoughts, but I am not responsible for control other people’s thoughts and actions.  I can influence them with new information or ideas but do not have the power or the right to control their minds and lives.

As parents, we have a responsibility to teach character traits and values.  Does this insure that our children will not reject the teachings and make wrong choices? No, each individual has the right to make choices for their lives. Sometimes parents in my parenting classes will be racked with guilt because they taught and modeled honesty and their son still shoplifted.

Lack The Power To Control Others

Many feel that it is their responsibility to help others make wise choices.  They imagine themselves to posses a power no one posses; the power to determine the choices another person will make. If we learn that we do not have control over the minds and lives of others, we must also accept that we do not have complete and unlimited control over our own lives either.

Forces Beyond Our Choices Occur

It is a hard lesson to learn that sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Individuals do suffer through no fault or responsibility of their own. Choices are frequently very limited. All of us are affected at times by political,economic, environmental conditions that we do not choose.  We do have options, that are within our responsibly, of how we react or respond to those forces.

You are invited to claim your free ebook on Use Encouraging Words at http://www.useencouragingwords.com

Auntie Artichoke Asks- What is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility?