Ask Auntie Artichoke

Hello from beautiful Montana;

Teach all children in blended families to assume personal responsiblity. See http://www.KidsChoresandMore.com for great ideas. You will be glad you did.

As I go around the country teaching parenting and family relationship communication, I frequently hear about stepkids having more than sibling rivalry, but outright war with each other.  When adults marry, they hope that the children will get along, cooperate with chore charts and want to become a blended family. What they may not take into consideration is the children are going through different stages of emotional, physical and spiritual growth.

Helping  Family Work Together on Project to Build Trust

The most successful families I have seen have held family meetings where the whole group gets to solve small problems before they become large ones, have  a fun activity and work together on a common goal.  Perhaps the goal is to go to Dairy Queen when the chores are done.  It might be rent a movie and have popcorn together.

In a family meeting each child has the opportunity to choose and own the chore they will do in the allotted time. Form teams with a parent and child. This is not a competition!  This is an opportunity for the child to have some one on one time with the non custodial parent and then come together as a family for the reward.

Even if the rules in the other home are different than the rules in your house, you will want to create an atmosphere of cooperation and teamwork. When everyone is given a “voice and a choice” in what needs to be done to make a house a home, most are more willing to assume responsibility.

If the other parent decides to allow the children to get by without doing chores, you have no control over that decision. Children will have to live with different rules where ever they go in life. They have different expectations at school, church and activities and they can adjust if given loving guidance and acceptance.  Helping other family members build trust and unity.

You will be teaching life-skills as well as bonding with the child over chores or projects.

Use this time to model character and to appreciate the skills and helpfulness of the child. Be consistent and caring as you work together to create a comfortable home. Your goal as a blended family is not to become stricter and more authority bound, but to present a united team and to welcome members of the family whenever and however they come to this house.

For more in depth information on this subject, please go to http://www.kidschoresandmore.com  You will be so glad you did.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

For more reading about teaching life skills to stepkids in blended family visit kidschoresandmore.com

Auntie Artichoke suggests you find ways to connect to step children that make them feel special.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

It is important that it takes time, effort and a great deal of patience to blend two families.  Just because the adults have gone through a marriage ceremony or feel committed to each other, it does not automatically blend personalities, experiences and expectations. Children in step families have a number of emotions that come into play when a non-parent suddenly enters the picture.

Life during the courtship period is frequently unrealistic as well as confusing. Daily life takes teamwork and cooperation to make a house a home. You may not be the natural Daddy or the Daddy they wanted, but you do deserve respect. Respect is earned and does not come automatically.

Step families Are Special

Parenting is hard enough in the first place and children love to test the limits of our patience and skills. Please remember that the children did not ask to be in this position and are understandably concerned and trying to work out the relationships in their own minds.

The child may have been in a position where the mother’s boyfriend gave him treats or special attention in order to win the affections of both mother and child.  Now, in a day-to-day experience it takes a lot of give and take to make the family work, and rewards are not forthcoming for just being there. Generally speaking, the premarital adult-child relationships may be confusing for mature adults as well as children.

Regular Family Meetings

The most successful families I have worked with have always had a regular family meeting or round-table weekly.  This enables all members of the blended family to discuss issues, set goals and clarify situations.  These meetings, which allow both parents and children to participate and become empowered.  Held on a weekly basis, many small problems can be solved before they become large ones.

Discussing problems and expectations on a regular basis allows everyone to feel part of the team.  Make sure that you and your spouse are united on goals for the family and that you show respect and kindness to each other and the children. A good parenting plan includes all responsible adults.

You Are Not My Daddy

One of the main issues of step parenting is to do your level best to respect and honor the relationship the child has with the biological parent, but still offering love and attention. Talk about the biological parent in positive or neutral terms.  If you speak negatively about the parent, the child will feel defensive, guilty and as if he too was being judged harshly.

If the biological or “real daddy” was negligent or a poor parent, your job is to empathize with the child. As you demonstrate that you are going to be a permanent, but loving part of the child’s life, there will be less and less power struggles.

Kids, Chores and More

As you work with the blended or step-family be sure to teach respect and responsibility as life skills. You will find information on Family meetings, appropriate expectations and fun activities to blend your family.

Good Luck.  You do an important job.

Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

Hello from Montana:

What constitutes respect for others?  Is being respectful the key to healthy relationships? Do you have to like someone to be considerate, kind and courteous? How do you work in a relationship where there is an uneven balance of power? Even if you disagree with someone can you respect their rights?

Several years ago there was a study done of 100 self made millionaires.  They ranged in age from young 19 to well over 70.  Their educational experiences extended from grade school to the Ph.D level. They differed in almost all characteristics, except they were all found to be respectful of other people.

Everyone Can Learn and Teach

They had determined early in their careers that everyone had something to teach and to share. They built respectful relationships by learning from others. Even  those who do not believe as you do, or look like you or speak like you, still have something to share and should be given the right to share in some way.

We tend to treat people like we see them. If we see them as arrogant, snooty or even shy, we tend to treat them in that manner.  I just did a radio show recently about a second chance at making a good first impression.  You will want to listen to that one, if you haven’t already.

Live Up to Expectations

Once you find the good or ability in other people you treat him or her better and thus they perform better.  We all tend to live up to the expectations of other people. I have seen children who were average students with one teacher and then become top producers with encouragement and acceptance.

If we see people worthy of respect, then we will treat them that way.  Even when they do not demonstrate their respect for us, we can still treat them with courtesy.

A quote that I love says “If you take a man as he is, you make him worse than he was, but if you see him as being the best person possible, then he, in fact, become the best person possible.”

Courage To Keep Trying

Encouragement is giving someone the courage to keep progressing on an upward road, to move ahead and to fulfill their destiny.  By giving respect and understanding to others in our relationship, we will all move forward. A life journey is seldom without some failure, or detours. When we can acknowledge the progress and respect the effort as well as the individual, we will have a better world.

Please come and join our community of kind, thoughtful people who want understanding and respect for all.You will find us at….

http://www.artichokepress.com

You will also want to go to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a workbook and bonus items that will assist you in building confidence in the future and courage today.

Thanks for sharing your time with me today,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Auntie Artichoke Says: Children need encouragement. They need to have you cheering their progress and celebrating their success.

Greeting to those who love children;

As caring adults who want to find methods of encouraging positive character traits in the children and youth  we love or work with, we want to give messages that reinforce their efforts.  There are really only two kinds of messages that we can give young people–

• Hurtful ones that diminish or belittle them as individuals and break the spirit. The result is that we dis”couarage’ them from trying again.
• Love signals in verbal and non verbal ways that give them courage to keep trying, to celebrate talents and possibilities.

Children Prefer Beatings to Being Ignored

When I first heard that statement, I was shocked and saddened. As I have visited with those who suffered childhood trauma and abuse, they have shared the feeling that they were invisible, except for the abuse.  No child should feel that way. Ever.Ever. Ever.

We often read about the commercial messages that our children are bombarded with each day and become  concerned that they will believe erroneous advertising.  The messages they receive from their parents and peer group is much more important and has the power to deeply alter their self esteem and identity.

Body Language is Communication of Relationships

Not all signals and sentences come from what we say, but rather how we act when we are present with our children. The crook of an eyebrow, a gesture of the hand, the pat on the back, the wink the smile, the frown, the crossed arms and impatient look are all gestures that speak volumes to others.

What is the message that a smile and a hug  sends to a worried child on test day?  We are encouraging them to do their best and letting them know that we love the person they are, not the test grade.  When we rub our child’s back before bed, or snuggle close to watch a favorite movie we are sharing non-verbal words and encouragement.

Words to Encourage Positive Behavior

• You are very special and I have confidence you will find a good solution.
• I am impressed by how kind you were last week to our neighbor.
• You are a problem solver. Can you see what has to be done next?
• That took a lot of courage. I was impressed with your bravery.
• It looks like you are understanding the math problems. It feels good to finally “get it” doesn’t it?
• You have a good brain, I am interested to see what you think about this?
• You have really made some good choices this week. Good job.

A simple message given to our child becomes their truth and that truth then becomes their belief system and ultimately their self confidence and esteem.  Thoughts and belief system govern their actions, their satisfactions and their joy.

If you would like additional assistance on encouraging words please see http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com

You will be glad you did.

Your friend,  Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Would love to have you visit our community

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Missoula:

Assuming personal responsibility is one of the measures of a mature individual.  This is a goal for each of us and one we want to teach our children.  This act of assuming personal responsibility is the willingness to think for myself and to act wisely with choices from my own mind.  Others may have influence over me and may instruct, give tools, assist, and  try to persuade me to go against my best interest.  However,  I do not grant others authority or my consciousness or follow blindly when I do not understand or agree.

When one act responsibly, it is with the agreement that the achievement of my happiness is my own job. No one else has the power to “make me happy” or “make me mad.”

I know that I, alone, am responsible for  my life, well-being, attitude and actions in all those areas that are open to my choice.

What is Not My Responsibility?

Just as I determine what I am responsible for, I need to recognize and acknowledge all that I am not responsible for.  I can control my own actions and thoughts, but I am not responsible for control other people’s thoughts and actions.  I can influence them with new information or ideas but do not have the power or the right to control their minds and lives.

As parents, we have a responsibility to teach character traits and values.  Does this insure that our children will not reject the teachings and make wrong choices? No, each individual has the right to make choices for their lives. Sometimes parents in my parenting classes will be racked with guilt because they taught and modeled honesty and their son still shoplifted.

Lack The Power To Control Others

Many feel that it is their responsibility to help others make wise choices.  They imagine themselves to posses a power no one posses; the power to determine the choices another person will make. If we learn that we do not have control over the minds and lives of others, we must also accept that we do not have complete and unlimited control over our own lives either.

Forces Beyond Our Choices Occur

It is a hard lesson to learn that sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Individuals do suffer through no fault or responsibility of their own. Choices are frequently very limited. All of us are affected at times by political,economic, environmental conditions that we do not choose.  We do have options, that are within our responsibly, of how we react or respond to those forces.

You are invited to claim your free ebook on Use Encouraging Words at http://www.useencouragingwords.com

Auntie Artichoke Asks- What is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility?

Auntie Artichoke supports parents, grandparents, teachers, day care providers and all those who love children. Thank you for your important work.

Hello From Montana:

When you speak to your child, can you count more negative or positive words coming out of your mouth?   Formal studies with learned psychologists have shown that it takes at least seven positive comments to undo a negative remark.   My own informal studies working with parents and families tell me that many of the hurtful things said to children by parents and teachers never go away.

Plant Positive Thoughts in Garden of the Mind

Our subconscious brains are like gardens and what is planted there will multiply and grow in our thoughts and actions. Children internalize the words and actions of adults that they trust and love.  If the messages you send through verbal and non verbal (body language) communication are negative or demeaning, the child will lose confidence in herself and her ability to affect her life for the better.

How does the child see herself when she looks through your eyes?  If you are giving out labels of incompetence, lazy or stupid, you can count on your child believing your assessment of her as a person.  If the message you send through your words, actions and attitudes is mistrust, disappointment, fear, worry or lack of confidence— those negative attitudes will slowly, but surely erode away the self esteem.

Example of Mother and Daughter

In my parenting workshops, I sometimes use the example of a mother and daughter with the daughter holding a piece of paper in her hand. Every time the mother makes a negative remark, demeaning comment or judgment about worth, the daughter tears a piece of the paper off and allows it to fall on the floor. When the mom makes a positive comment, we try to stick a little piece back on, but it frequently doesn’t stick.

It is a powerful visual reminder to parents to correct the behavior but not break the spirit of the child.

What Do You Like About Your Child?

How often do you compliment your child’s character strengths?  I challenge you to frequently ask your child “Do you know what I like about you?”

These are the qualities of the heart. The important parts of what makes a good person. These are the values to be celebrated;

• generous attitude
• helpful to others
• kind to animals
• dependable
• fair
• friendly
• grateful
• honest
• loving
• sincere
• trustworthy
• loyal
• truthful

Whatever character traits you recognize, encourage your child to look at herself with an optimistic attitude. Help her to affirm all the qualities she has that will help her in her life. Assist the self confidence and self esteem in children and help them to see themselves as empowered to not let outside influences determine their worth.  Hopefully, when your child holds up a mirror on her life she will see a strong, vital and worthy woman who is confident in life.

You are invited to http://www.ConfidenceClues.com

for even more information to empower your child to be self confident.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ConfidenceClues.com

Hello;

Greetings from Griz Country - Montana

 As a relationship author and parent educator, I am often asked to speak about many topics concerning families.  It is such a treat to see parents taking responsibility for raising kids that are kind, thoughtful, creative and respectful of all.  When I see parents and teachers working together in partnership, I know the child will be successful.

Teachers Enhance What Parents Have Taught

Parents, child care providers and extended families have few responsiblities more important or more rewarding than helping children to learn.  The love of learning is a pattern that is established in early years and then enhanced as the child and subject matter grows.  As a parent, you are your child’s first and best teacher Children learn what is modeled and appreciated by the adults in their life.

No Need To Be A Teacher To Teach

Many parents tell me that they don’t feel qualified to teach their children. I disagree.  The best education is an ongoing endeavor and you and your child can learn together.  Use your daily activities to informally teach your children about reading, math, geography, and science as well as to be an observent part of the world around us.  There is a huge connection between academic knowledge and the skills you use and share every day at home and work. 

Children Are Naturally Curious

During their pre-school years the child’s brain is developing at an amazing speed. Even though your daily activities may seem boring to you, to your child they provide a wide view into the world around them.  The most important things you can do to assist your child’s brain to expand is to read, sing and talk to them every opportunity you have.

When they are able to connect words and language to daily experiences, they are more apt to seek out even more and exciting information.  When you read to your child, they almost automatically learn about written language, tone of voice, facial expressions and that reading is a fun thing to do. Show them the shapes of letters and help her find her initials in the book or newspaper.

Work and play can be a great learning time.  When your child is in the kitchen with you, encourage them to taste,smell, feel and describe the different foods. Talk to your child as you prepare meals and  answer his questions. Be sure to ask him what he thinks the answer is. Help the creative juices to start flowing early in life.

Research has shown that children who have a good vocabulary and are aware of the names and sounds of letters when they begin school, learn to read sooner and consistently do better at studies. Parents, grandparents, care providers and extended families are the first and best teacher to the children they love.

I salute your important work with raising responsible children. You will want to claim the free report on responsible children at http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

You will be glad you did.

Your friend,

Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Developing responsibility in children is important in most families. As I work with parents, grandparents, teachers and other caring adults who work with kids who are in school, I hear the following questions about responsibility;

• How do I get my child to do homework
• How do I get my child to clean his room
• How do I get my child to do his chores
• How do I get my child to feed the pet
• How do I get my child to practice the piano
• How do I get my child to speak to the family with respect

The problem is that responsible and acceptable behavior is different for every person and every child.  When children are in school there are lots of new and exciting adventures that take their thoughts and energy away from the task at hand.

Difference between obedience and responsibility

One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn is that you can’t make anyone do anything long term. You can force your child to do their homework tonight by yelling, screaming and threatening, but I promise you he will dislike school and you.

The difference between obedience and responsibility often comes down to this simple distinction, Who owns the problem. If you realize that the dog is hungry and you fix it by filling the food dish, but punish or yell at the child, you still own the problem.  You will be telling the child to feed the pet every day and he will expect you to tell him  and then lecture or else feed the dog.

Obedience needs no agreement or buy-in from the child. The motivation comes from an outside force, in this case, you making the child feel guilty.

Responsibility, however, involves the acceptance and understanding of the natural (the dog has no way to feed himself) and logical (the child feeds the dog before he eats breakfast and dinner) consequences.

Chore Charts Tell Child What Is Expected

When the parent is in the telling position and the child is in the doing position, which means the child won’t do if the parent doesn’t tell.  The chore chart is a wonderful tool for pulling adults away from always telling the child what to do and when to do it.  Chore charts shift the responsibility to the child and makes the chart the regulator and judge, not the adult.

Chore Charts or job lists or behavior calendars get the emotion out of the situation and strengthens both independence and responsibility.  The best advantage of a chore chart that has been agreed on at a family council is the “buy-in” from all parties.  Everyone knows what is expected to be done and the time frame for accomplishing said task and have decided and agreed on the consequences if it is not done.

Schools are not the teachers of responsibility. Their job is to enhance what has already been learned and modeled in the home and care giving situations. Those of us who love the child need to find methods and techniques to help the child to assume personal responsibility for their decisions and actions.  We increase the odds of teaching the child to work independently by being consistent and realistic in our expectations.

Be sure to check out http://www.responsiblechildren.com for a free report on “30 Ways To Get Your Kids To Help At Home.”  You will be glad you did.

With gratitude for the important work you do with children,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Do you know an organization that is looking for a dynamic keynote speaker on responsibility?

I give a very generous finder’s fee.

Hello from beautiful Montana;

Parents, ask yourself - Would you like to work for a boss who never complimented your efforts? Who only commented on what you had done wrong? Would it make you a more  loyal employee to receive positive feedback and encouragement on the things you were trying to learn?

You would be more willing to change habits or ways of doing tasks if your instructions were not always negative and demeaning.

The answer is no! None of us like to be in a negative environment where we are discouraged from trying new methods or ways of doing things. Being told  to do something only one way stifles the imagination and limits the use of creative freedom. Work can be fun if we feel empowered.

Many workplaces and homes do tasks in the same old, same old way.  It is not an adventure to clean closets or pick up clothes, but a drudgery and a habit to do it the same way. Giving the parameters of a job and then allowing the freedom to find new and better solutions builds confidence and independence.

Change Your Responses to Change Bad Habits

If your child habitually drops his coat on the sofa when he comes home from school and that annoys you,  have a brainstorming session with him and let him come up with new solutions. For every situation there are at least five solutions, so don’t get stuck using just one.

Give recognition for even the smallest of accomplishment as your child learns new skills and practices the old ones. Focus on the process not the specific task. For instance, “You are doing a better job with putting the bed covers on straight. Why do you think it is important to have the same amount of sheet on each side of the bed?”

You certainly are not going to compliment your child on every little thing he does right (even though statistics show he does 19 right to every 1 unacceptable act) but you are hopefully going to toss out encouragement words and phrases here and there on the days journey.

Positive Feedback Can Change Habits and Lives

Looking for something positive to give feedback on can change the attitude of the recipient. Positive encouragement has such great motivating power.  It should be honest and sincere or the child will think it is worthless and phony.

Encouragement focuses on the effort and progress made. Praise tends to focus on the finished product and only offered after the job is done.  Encouraging and positive feedback inspire children with hope and faith that they will improve.

We want our children to believe that the positive power behind them is always greater than the problem in front of them.

In gratitude for the important work you do.

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS:  Be sure to check out http://www.ResponsibleChildren.com You will be glad you did.

Focus Attention on the Learning Experience

When parents and other caregivers focus attention  on  the finished product, rather than the learning experience, it does not encourage the child to be a problem solver. If only perfectly made beds are acceptable, then why keep trying because perfection is not possible.

Trail and Error is a Great Teacher

Logical and natural consequences help children learn much more than one more lecture on how to do “my way.”  Part of being a mature responsible adult is seeing cause and effect.

If the soccer uniform does not get in the laundry, then the child will have to wear a stained shirt to the game.  Questions such as “What did you learn from this experience today?” or even “Given how this turned out for you, what do you think you could do next time?”

Next Time….

As you help the child evaluate, plan for the next time and encourage them to problem solve on their own, you will be adding to their core of confidence. They will also gain a sense of independence when they don’t rely on others to judge their work and worth.

By stressing that failure is never final and we are all on a learning curve, you will be giving them permission to start over.

Raising Responsible Children may seem overwhelming to you, especially if you don’t know the way. However, it is  possible and doable with the assistance and guidance of the parents located a http://www.KidsChoresAndMore.com

Get it today.  It will be an investment in your families harmony and the future of your child.

In support and confidence,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker