Make Your Home the “Go-To House” Encourage Positive Friendships

© Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke—http://www.judyhwright.com

As parents and caregivers (lots of Aunties and Uncles out there) we want to encourage positive friendships with the children we love. We also like an orderly house and a minimum of noise and confusion in our house. Sometimes we have to let go of dreams of having neat homes and go with comfortable and inviting.

In order to make your home the go-to-house and encourage other kids to mingle at your home, you will need to create a safe haven with food, fun and acceptance.

Peer pressure, along with bullying and drugs frightens many parents.

Make your home the "go-to-house" in the neighborhood and school. Provide a safe haven for kids to gather in positive friendships.

When your child is in a group it is easy to “group think” and make decisions, they would not normally do on an individual basis. When they are in your home, you have a pulse on what is going on and can intercede if necessary.

The more you know the other parents of your child’s friends they more they will have an extended tribe of adults who are looking out for their backs. Encourage group activities that are well chaperoned and with a purpose, rather than just “hanging out.”

Some Tips On Building Community and Strengthening Kids

1. Make Your Home the “Go-To House.” When you invite your children’s friends to spend time in your home, you create a safe harbor for many children who are afraid to go home. Make them feel welcome and try to get to know them and help them see how healthy, happy families operate. Include them in some of your family activities. Don’t worry about how much you are spending on groceries. Consider it an investment in the future.

2. Affirm Positive Friendships. Talk to your kids about their friends. Find out what they like about this friend. Help them to develop into the friend they would like to have. Rather than over-praise individual kids, talk about what a nice group of kids they are. If your child has difficulty making and keeping friends, be sure to go the website http://www.theleftoutchild.com to find ways to help them be more likeable.

3. Don’t Criticize or Focus on One Friend. Resist the urge to criticize or refuse to allow your child to hang out with one particular person. Many kids will get defensive over friends their parent’s don’t like. We always found that when we criticized one friend that our child tended to choose one that was worse!!!
4. Don’t Blame Your Child’s Friend for His Parents. Many outstanding heroes and excellent individuals have come from horrible home situations. Just one positive mentor and example can change the life of a young person. You will be teaching respect, kindness and compassion to your child as well as the friend.

Nurturing Adults Needed to Mentor and Guide Young People

You will never know the impact you may have on the life of a child or teen when they make your house the “go-to-house.” One young woman who spent much time in our home told me later that she took notes while she was there on what a “normal family” did. She needed our home and our influence to become the successful and kind woman she is today.

Self-Awareness Quiz

• Do you remember an adult who welcomed all the neighborhood kids in their home and nurtured their positive traits?
• Do you have an accepting position of your child’s friends or do you stand in judgment of them and their parents?
• Can you use encouraging words to empower those who come to your home or have friendships? If you are wondering the words to say, please go to http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com for a fee eBook. You will be glad you did.

About the Author

Judy Helm Wright aka “Auntie Artichoke” is an author of over 20 books and many, many articles on life education. She is also a keynote speaker and trainer for associations and conferences. If you know of an upcoming conference please suggest the program director call to schedule Auntie Artichoke at 406-549-9813 or visit http://www.ArtichokePress.com Thanks and blessings on your important work

Hello from beautiful Montana:

This morning (at 6am!) I am speaking on a radio show for parents in New York.  As I was preparing (opening my eyes) I remembered a quiz I had prepared for a parenting class last year.  Hope you enjoy it. If you know most of the answers, you are a Super Saver and a wise steward over your money.

1. If you receive a credit card in the mail, it means that you automatically qualify?
2. When your child is small, it is necessary to have high top shoes so they can have strong ankles?
3. All foods are cheaper when they are made from scratch?
4. Try to shop on the perimeter of the store and avoid the inner aisles as much as possible.
5. Using coupons to buy products mean you will always get the best deal?
6. How do you stop your child from asking for candy, gum and toys when you take them shopping?
7. You always save more if you wait till you get to the store to see what is on sale?
8. When is the best time to go thrift store shopping?
9. When is best time to buy school supplies?
10. Is it  necessary to have meat at every meal?
11. If you have a money crisis, which bills do you pay first?

Answers:

1. No, it is a promotional gimmick and they still have to check your credit. You are not guaranteed the rate.
2. No, it is not necessary and in fact, it is better for them to walk barefoot or in little socks when they are learning to walk.
3. Not always, but generally.  Good examples of foods that are more expensive from scratch are orange juice and cakes.
4. True, the fresh fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy and bread products are usually on the outer edges.  The more prepared and packaged foot tends to be in the middle.
5. Many coupons are for products you would not ordinary use. Check the store brand.  It may be cheaper than the other with a coupon.  Ask the store if they will honor other store’s coupons.
6. Don’t take them shopping with you.  Pre-warn them that they may have an apple or bring along a toy from home.
7. You will always spend more! The longer you stay in the store, the more you will spend.  Bring your list, buy what is on it and get out.
8. Saturday evening, Sunday or Monday.  People bring in everything that has not sold from their garage sale.
9. Buy school supplies in August and store them for use all year.
10. Actually you will be healthier if you have two or three meatless meals in a week.
11. Always pay your housing first.  Keep a roof over your head. There are agencies to help with food and heating but you need shelter.

Spend twice as much time and half as much money on your child and you will all be happier.

Thank you for sharing time with us today,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

There are only two ways to get more money: 1) Increase your income 2)Decrease your outgo.

PS: If you are concerned about your child making friends, check out http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

PSS:  If you are concerned about child behavior issues, check out http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

You will be so glad you did.

Hello;

Greetings from Griz Country - Montana

 As a relationship author and parent educator, I am often asked to speak about many topics concerning families.  It is such a treat to see parents taking responsibility for raising kids that are kind, thoughtful, creative and respectful of all.  When I see parents and teachers working together in partnership, I know the child will be successful.

Teachers Enhance What Parents Have Taught

Parents, child care providers and extended families have few responsiblities more important or more rewarding than helping children to learn.  The love of learning is a pattern that is established in early years and then enhanced as the child and subject matter grows.  As a parent, you are your child’s first and best teacher Children learn what is modeled and appreciated by the adults in their life.

No Need To Be A Teacher To Teach

Many parents tell me that they don’t feel qualified to teach their children. I disagree.  The best education is an ongoing endeavor and you and your child can learn together.  Use your daily activities to informally teach your children about reading, math, geography, and science as well as to be an observent part of the world around us.  There is a huge connection between academic knowledge and the skills you use and share every day at home and work. 

Children Are Naturally Curious

During their pre-school years the child’s brain is developing at an amazing speed. Even though your daily activities may seem boring to you, to your child they provide a wide view into the world around them.  The most important things you can do to assist your child’s brain to expand is to read, sing and talk to them every opportunity you have.

When they are able to connect words and language to daily experiences, they are more apt to seek out even more and exciting information.  When you read to your child, they almost automatically learn about written language, tone of voice, facial expressions and that reading is a fun thing to do. Show them the shapes of letters and help her find her initials in the book or newspaper.

Work and play can be a great learning time.  When your child is in the kitchen with you, encourage them to taste,smell, feel and describe the different foods. Talk to your child as you prepare meals and  answer his questions. Be sure to ask him what he thinks the answer is. Help the creative juices to start flowing early in life.

Research has shown that children who have a good vocabulary and are aware of the names and sounds of letters when they begin school, learn to read sooner and consistently do better at studies. Parents, grandparents, care providers and extended families are the first and best teacher to the children they love.

I salute your important work with raising responsible children. You will want to claim the free report on responsible children at http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

You will be glad you did.

Your friend,

Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Do you know why it is so much easier to harvest negative thoughts

Plant positive thoughts and actions with affirmations. Just as you choose to put good food in your body, put good thoughts in your mind.

and beliefs from our minds and actions? Do you know how to plant positive thoughts with affirmations? We are what we think about, so it is in our best interest to think positive thoughts.

Law of Attraction – Thoughts equal Actions

When we begin search for great self knowledge, in any recovery program or just in the inner soul examinations we may feel that all we are seeing are character flaws. One reason the negative thoughts come up so easily is because parents, siblings, teachers and religious leaders were so eager to tell us what we were doing was wrong.

If those messages came from someone we trusted, we probably believed what they were saying. and then the thoughts became belief systems and we acted according to them.

Minds Are Like Gardens

When you plant a bean seed, you not only get a bean but multiples of beans. It is a law of nature, that what you plant multiplies in gestation. It is the same thing with thoughts. When you plant, or have planted negative thoughts into your sub-consious mind, you will have many, many more negative thoughts and thus actions.

Plant Positive Thoughts With Affirmations

In psychology, an affirmation is a positive thought or statement declaring (or affirming) that a desired goal has been reached or is within reach. When using affirmations, think of them as planting positive flowers or seeds. You can expect to see more as they grow and develop and spread to other areas of your life.

Repeat Affirmations Many Times  Daily

• I am a kind and loving person.
• I am strong and healthy.
• I am a problem solver and look for new solutions to old problems.
• It is easy for me to learn new methods of doing things.
• I smile at people because I am glad to be alive and to share my life with them.
• I will list 3 things I am grateful for tonight before I go to sleep. I have many to choose from.
• I am a fortunate person and good things happen to me.

I have confidence in your ability to change your negative thoughts to positive actions with the use of affirmations.

You are invited to go to this website for great ideas for you.http://www.confidenceclues.com

Wow, Time Flies.  I think we just had New Year’s Eve a few weeks ago. Either time moves faster  or we move slower as age and circumstances come along our life’s journey. I was prompted to think about this particular subject by reading a group writing project by Daniel Scocco and Connie Ragan Green

At a recent gathering, we asked the question of dinner guests;

Was last year happy or horrible for you? After everyone had finished moaning and groaning about some aspects of the past year, I taught them a trick I use to help children be more positive.  This is also a great way to teach ourselves and our children to be problem solvers.

But Then….

As a parent educator I hear all the stories of negative thoughts and pessimistic families.  Parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches and day care providers want to know how to turn negative thoughts, and whiny voices to positive actions.

A technique we used was to allow the child (or adult) to vent and then to say  “But then…” and ask them to tell us something positive that came out of the experience. Sometimes they decided it wasn’t worth the effort to be mad. Or perhaps they realized that there are some things in life you can not change, and so you change what you can and do not worry about the other things.

Life Lesson 101

No one has a life that is completely happy or completely horrible. Most of our joy comes in little bursts of pleasure and enjoyment. Most of our disappointment come in little bursts of frustration or being overwhelmed.

We all have the answers and solutions in our mind and spirit. Sometimes we just need a little nudge to remember or think of them.  There are at least five solutions to every situation and it feels good to be able to come up with an idea you had never considered before.

Lists of Negative and Positive

If you are making a list and checking it twice, be sure to ask yourself what you learned from each negative or horrible experience?  Empower yourself by finding ways to turn horrible into happy.

Your friend and supporter,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker

http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

The holidays are a traditional time of joy and laughter, family and friends, opportunities  to get together and have parties with co-workers and neighbors.  But, while you are grieving a loss of a loved one (human or animal) it may be hard to cope with the holidays.

Mixed Emotions and Mixed Messages

If you are grieving a fresh loss or even remembering the loss of a loved one from years ago, you may be experiencing a huge spectrum of emotions and feelings.  You may also feel so overwhelmed with the demands on your time and energy that you resent others who may be trying to make you feel included and wanted.

An invitation to a party may make you feel guilty if you go and enjoy yourself. You may anticipate that others will think less of you if you are not sufficiently sad.  It is a no-win situation.  The best choice is the choice that takes care of you.

Allow Yourself To Just Be  Human

It is important to practice self-care this season. The best present you can give others is a healthy you and that will not happen if you feel overworked, over shopped, over spent and over tired. Explain to others that this year you will be cutting back on everything, so they should not take it personally.

If you feel you must go to an event, come later or leave early as your energy dictates. If you are ask to contribute food or decorations, just buy them or say not this year.  It is okay to take care of you and your emotions.

Tell Others Clearly What You Want and Need

Don’t be shy or embarrassed to let others know what will make the holidays easier for you.  They are not mind readers and most people would prefer a no rather than a maybe.  If you are clear in your mind that you need time and emotional support rather than a George Foreman Grill, then say so.  Speak in a neutral (not angry or passive) voice about what you want and also what you will be able to do in the holiday season.

Invitation to a Free Tele-Seminar on Sunday December 6, 2009 at 3 PM PST.

As my gift to those of you who are grieving or sad, I will be offering a free seminar on Coping With The Holidays on Sunday December 6,2009.  The call in number is 1-641-715-3200 and the pass code is 244919#

I will “see” you there.

In Peace,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Burp! Belch! Other obnoxious sounds and smells come from your 12 year old son. You want to die of embarrassment at what people will think of your rude children.  You have certainly tried to teach good manners, but were they even listening?

The problem with teaching tweens or teens manners is that parents frequently do it in a negative or critical way.  It is especially embarrassing to the young person to be corrected or nagged at in public or in front of friends.

Model Good Manners At Home

A young person whose parents treat everyone with respect, kindness and understanding are more likely to use good manners.  Rather than demand your daughter or son use good table manners, show them at home the correct way to hold a fork or pass the potatoes.

When you teach your child about rules of good manners in private and at a neutral (not heated with arguments or family fights) you will find the audience is more receptive.

Good table manners should be modeled at every meal. By establishing rules that govern polite interaction with others, you are teaching them to be aware of the feelings of those they associate with.  Simply be saying, “The rule at the dinner table is to enjoy your food and chew slowly, rather than gulping it down.”

Say Thank You and I am Sorry When Necessary

Your child is more likely to be aware of the feelings of others if you praise the good manners and then gently teach to the errors or mistakes.  When you encourage politeness, you are letting them know what the desired behavior is and it gives the positive reinforcement of the character traits, rather than specific tasks or situations.

If you are wrong, apologize. If someone is kind to you, say Thank you.  You child will be much more likely to do what you do, rather than what you say.

It is no fun to have rude children and in order to teach good manners, we need to use the “teachable moments” when they come along.  We want to be proud of the actions and intentions our children display in public and at home.

If you are having much more serious problems like lying, cheating, defiant kids or an out of control child, please go to a special website I have set up just for you.  You will receive a ten day e-Course on transforming for no cost to you.  You will be glad you did.

http://www.disciplineyesppunishno.com

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

Don't be anxious or afraid at a party. Just ask questions and listen to people and you will gain confidence.

Are you nervous about social situations?  When there is going to be people you do not know, how does your stomach or neck feel?  Tight and choking? Do you regard yourself as too quiet or too uptight to relax in groups?  Are you concerned that others will expect you to be witty and sophisticated?

If you feel that you are shy or suffer from social anxiety, this is the article for you.

You don’t have to be witty, or smart or a sparkling conversationalist in order to make friends and influence people.  All you really need is to understand the art of listening.

People Don’t Care How Much You Know, Until They Know How Much You Care

We will be talking about how to be more comfortable in social situations.  We will also share about what makes a good listener and the five qualities to develop if you want to be popular and make lasting friendships.

1. Body language of acceptance – Non verbal or body language is the communication of relationships. When people first meet you they are receiving lots of messages about interested you are in them. Smile with your eyes and look directly at the person, or if that makes you uncomfortable, look at their right ear.

2. Ask questions and don’t give advice – When people come to you with a problem, it may appear they want your opinion.  But more often than not, they really just need someone to listen to their story.  By asking small questions or nodding your head, you are giving them permission to get the problem out, so they can see the issues in a new light and make their own decisions.

3. Never break a confidence or gossip about others – Even though it may be tempting to share a “tidbit of news” it will always backfire on you.  One of the signs of deepening friendships is that people will trust you with secrets. If someone gossips with you, you can be assured they will also gossip about you.

4. Complete the loop of conversation – Just as you don’t give unwanted advice, you do want to make sure what the other person needs from you.  Sometimes our words can be taken out of context or misunderstood, so it is best to clarify our message. If someone says; “Do you like baseball?” Don’t just say yes and drop it.  Ask open ended questions and give clarifying comebacks. For instance; “Yes, I do.  Would you like to go to a game sometime?”  Then be sure that you give a phone number or way to contact you if they are interested.

5. Show appreciation and gratitude – Shake hands warmly and say you were glad to meet them. Perhaps you could say something like; “I am grateful I had the opportunity to spend some time with you, your ideas will give me something to think about this week.”

The Secret to Being Interesting is to be Interested

To overcome social anxiety and gain confidence in life is to ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.  As you encourage strangers to talk about themselves, they will soon turn into friends.  Since so few people really go to the effort of listening to other people and making them feel comfortable, if you do, you will be successful.

For many people, the mere idea of social situations and conversations through them into anxiety. Just the thoughts of beginning a conversation with a stranger, or co-worker, can bring out latent inferior feelings and lack of confidence.

I have gathered 5 tips to help you feel more confident when connecting with other people. Try to incorporate them in a situation that feels comfortable for you, and soon you will see yourself having confidence in conversations with more and varied people.

1. Smile. Did you know that you cannot physically smile and still think negative thoughts?  Try it.  You don’t have to grin like a cat,  or freeze  a smile on your face,but do turn the corners of your lips up and look approachable.
2. Approach someone standing or setting alone. Instead of focusing on your own feelings of anxiety, you can make a polite comment (May I join you?) introduce yourself (I am Judy H. Wright from Montana)
3. Ask an open ended question that requires more than just a yes or no answer (tell me about where you grew up or what do you enjoy doing in your spare time) Asking questions is a great way of saying “I am interested in you. I want to get to know you.”
4. Listen to the answers and talk about what the other person is interested in.  During a conversation, you will get lots of clues about what the other person thinks is important. If it is someone that you don’t know, take a cue from what they are wearing. ask them about a ring or bracelet they are wearing, did they make it, was it a gift or maybe even does the stone has a significant meaning for them?
5. Make sure your body languages is open and approachable instead of closed, defensive and off putting.  Verbal communication is sharing of information and people only remember or respond to about 20%. Body language, tone of voice and facial expression are much more important and account for 80% of understanding.  Non verbal language is the communication of relationships.

Listening carefully, asking good questions, making eye contact and smiling are all necessary to start and continue conversations.  Don’t worry if occasionally there is a silence, just relax and another subject will come up naturally.

You may not always be at ease in social situations, but the more you practice and try, the more confident you will be in your ability to carry on conversations with anyone.

So smile and ask me some questions.

In friendship and gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  be sure to check out http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a more detailed look at building self confidence.

Cardboard Boxes and Blank Walls- the Challenge of Every Military Wife

© Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com

What do you mean we have to be across the country next week?  How can the kids be pulled out of sports, school and the arms of their best friends again? Good thing we still have some of the cardboard boxes left from the last move. We never got around to unpacking them, so that is even better. At least the content is written on the outside of the box.  The majority of the boxes ended up with labels of Kitchen Misc. or Bathroom stuff or “I Hate This Crap-I Don’t Want to Move-signed by The Indentured Servant Who Wanted to Go to The Mall Today”

One would think after 12 moves in 15 years, a smart family would begin to simplify their possessions. A smart family would rid themselves of old yearbooks, unused cookbooks, scruffy stuffed animals and pans with no lids.  A smart family would just look for the nail in the walls and hang their pictures on them, regardless of placement.  By the time we found the separate boxes holding the hammer, level, hooks and pictures, it was almost time to move again.

No, we weren’t the smartest family in the military, but we were one of the most grateful.  We were filled with gratitude for each other, the ability to see the country and to make new friends and grateful for the experiences along the way.

One particular pivotal experience was moving into military housing on Vandenberg Air Force Base in Lompoc, California. As Dwain and I were unloading boxes, the children ran into the back yard to explore.  They came rushing back to tell us about the strange “thistles” all over the place.

Always the teacher, I called everyone around to tell them about artichokes.  I explained how delicious they were and that we would savor them at a coming meal.  I also used the teaching moment to say that the people who had lived here before had planted the artichokes, knowing that they may never see the fruits of their labor.  Given that it takes artichokes two years to produce, they were leaving a gift for us.

We talked about how we must follow their example and plant seeds everywhere we went. We would plant vegetable seeds, flower seeds, but most of all we would plant the seeds of kindness. We may never see the fruits of our labors just like the family before us, but we would do it anyway.

As we sat on cardboard boxes and looked at blank walls, we feasted on artichokes and butter and praised those who had given us this gift.

Our daughter Deb remarked that the artichoke was like some of the families I work with as a parent educator; the outer edges are tough, closed off and have prickly parts that can hurt if you get too close.  It is only through time, warmth and patience that we can find the outer leaves peeling off more easily and we reach the real treasure- the heart.

The artichoke is now my logo and stands as a symbol of finding the heart of the story in the journey of life. Our journey with cardboard boxes, blank walls and a military life may be a thing of the past, but the life lessons and forever friends will always remain in our hearts.

About the author:

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, the storytelling trainer is an Author, International Speaker and Life Educator who owns and operates ArtichokePress.com in beautiful Missoula, Montana  She runs a global online business from her home office marketing eBooks, tele-classes, newsletters, family coaching and a number of related products. At www.ArtichokePress.com you will receive free articles and a subscription to the newsletter The Artichoke-finding the heart of the story in the journey of life.

A recent client said, “Being with Judy, whether in person, print or tele-class is like having a cup of tea with a loving Auntie who wants the best for you and yours.”

You will find her work warm, witty and packed with wisdom to make your life easier and more abundant.