Make Your Home the “Go-To House” Encourage Positive Friendships

© Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke—http://www.judyhwright.com

As parents and caregivers (lots of Aunties and Uncles out there) we want to encourage positive friendships with the children we love. We also like an orderly house and a minimum of noise and confusion in our house. Sometimes we have to let go of dreams of having neat homes and go with comfortable and inviting.

In order to make your home the go-to-house and encourage other kids to mingle at your home, you will need to create a safe haven with food, fun and acceptance.

Peer pressure, along with bullying and drugs frightens many parents.

Make your home the "go-to-house" in the neighborhood and school. Provide a safe haven for kids to gather in positive friendships.

When your child is in a group it is easy to “group think” and make decisions, they would not normally do on an individual basis. When they are in your home, you have a pulse on what is going on and can intercede if necessary.

The more you know the other parents of your child’s friends they more they will have an extended tribe of adults who are looking out for their backs. Encourage group activities that are well chaperoned and with a purpose, rather than just “hanging out.”

Some Tips On Building Community and Strengthening Kids

1. Make Your Home the “Go-To House.” When you invite your children’s friends to spend time in your home, you create a safe harbor for many children who are afraid to go home. Make them feel welcome and try to get to know them and help them see how healthy, happy families operate. Include them in some of your family activities. Don’t worry about how much you are spending on groceries. Consider it an investment in the future.

2. Affirm Positive Friendships. Talk to your kids about their friends. Find out what they like about this friend. Help them to develop into the friend they would like to have. Rather than over-praise individual kids, talk about what a nice group of kids they are. If your child has difficulty making and keeping friends, be sure to go the website http://www.theleftoutchild.com to find ways to help them be more likeable.

3. Don’t Criticize or Focus on One Friend. Resist the urge to criticize or refuse to allow your child to hang out with one particular person. Many kids will get defensive over friends their parent’s don’t like. We always found that when we criticized one friend that our child tended to choose one that was worse!!!
4. Don’t Blame Your Child’s Friend for His Parents. Many outstanding heroes and excellent individuals have come from horrible home situations. Just one positive mentor and example can change the life of a young person. You will be teaching respect, kindness and compassion to your child as well as the friend.

Nurturing Adults Needed to Mentor and Guide Young People

You will never know the impact you may have on the life of a child or teen when they make your house the “go-to-house.” One young woman who spent much time in our home told me later that she took notes while she was there on what a “normal family” did. She needed our home and our influence to become the successful and kind woman she is today.

Self-Awareness Quiz

• Do you remember an adult who welcomed all the neighborhood kids in their home and nurtured their positive traits?
• Do you have an accepting position of your child’s friends or do you stand in judgment of them and their parents?
• Can you use encouraging words to empower those who come to your home or have friendships? If you are wondering the words to say, please go to http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com for a fee eBook. You will be glad you did.

About the Author

Judy Helm Wright aka “Auntie Artichoke” is an author of over 20 books and many, many articles on life education. She is also a keynote speaker and trainer for associations and conferences. If you know of an upcoming conference please suggest the program director call to schedule Auntie Artichoke at 406-549-9813 or visit http://www.ArtichokePress.com Thanks and blessings on your important work

Positive Friendships & Self-Esteem
© Judy Helm Wright http://www.judyhwright.com

Parents, teachers, caregivers, coaches and other caring adults are concerned with how to teach values and self-esteem to the children in their lives. They wonder how to foster positive friendships and discourage those that have a negative influence.

From the moment of birth, our children are soaking up and

Self-esteem and confidence begins at birth and continues till death. We judge ourselves through words and actions of others, especially family and friends.

Self-esteem, confidence and personal strength is gained by listening and sharing ideas with those who are in their “circle of influence.” Words that tell them who and what they are help them to form a self-image that will reflect their attitude towards life. Both positive and negative.

1. Be Available At Odd Times. Make sure your children know that you value them and will take or make time to share with them. If you really can’t talk right then and there, arrange a time and place and put it in your appointment book. Keep that appointment.

The best conversations we ever had were at midnight over a pizza. I am a morning person and it sometimes meant I had to have a nap so I could get up to visit when they came home from a date. It is also amazing what secrets are shared in a car coming home from a soccer game or middle school dance.

2. Make Your House the “Go-To House.” When you invite your children’s friends to spend time in your home, you create a safe harbor for many children who are afraid to go home. Make them feel welcome and try to get to know them and help them see how healthy, happy families operate. Include them in some of your family activities. Don’t worry about how much you are spending on groceries. Consider it an investment in the future.

3. Affirm Positive Friendships. Talk to your kids about their friends. Find out what they like about this friend. Help them to develop into the friend they would like to have. Rather than over-praise individual kids, talk about what a nice group of kids they are.

Peer pressure, along with bullying and drugs that frightens many parents. When your child is in a group it is easy to “group think” and make decisions, they would not normally do on an individual basis.

The more you know the other parents of your child’s friends they more they will have an extended tribe of adults who are looking out for their backs. Encourage group activities that are well chaperoned and with a purpose, rather than just “hanging out.”

You will want to go to http://www.useencouragingwords.com to claim your free ebook on confidence building. You will also want to join the community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all at http://www.judyhwright.com You will be glad you did.

Home is where your heart is safe. It is the one place you can relax and be authentic. Home is not just walls, floor and bed, but the intangible aspects of your environment that make you feel welcome and blessed. It is, or should be, a refuge from the world.

I am not going to write much about home because it is such a sacred and personal sanctuary. But I will encourage and empower you to be a homemaker, to make a home wherever you may be sleeping and residing.

3 Ways to Rest Well Wherever You Sleep

I have found three simple and yet effective ways to make any house, hotel, campground or friend’s sofa to feel like a welcoming refuge from the world.  Perhaps you can find additional methods of being a home-maker, and making your little corner intimately yours.

1. Use natural fabric for your sheets and pillow case. They will give a subtle comforting feel to your body to remind you to rest well.
2. Tuck a good luck charm or token under your pillow.  Some little touchstone that you can put under the pillow, so you will know the familiar and be soothed back to sleep.
3. Make your bed.  Even if you are staying in the Hilton Towers, smooth the covers up on the bed and express gratitude for the restful night’s sleep.  You will begin your day in a more polished and eager way when you have ended the segment of rest.

You will feel rejuvenated and relaxed as you begin to understand the power of being a maker of a home, or a homemaker where ever you are.

Your Sacred Space

It is my deepest wish for you that you have some space that is all yours. That you have in this space small tokens or experiences that remind you that you are loved and you are safe. When you get to that wonderful space at the end of the day, you can relax, unwind and be your authentic self.

How would you enjoy being this relaxed and confident in your body, your relationships, your workplace and the Universe? Do you feel at home with who you are?

Home is where your heart is. The Dalai Lama has said, “This is my simple religion. There is no need of temples; no need for complicated philosophy.  Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

Self-Awareness Quiz

1. What would it feel like in your heart to experience home wherever you go?
2. How do you make wherever you sleep at night feel safe and comforting to you?
3. Does the word “home maker” bring up positive or negative feelings?

We are interested in your comments and feedback. You are welcomed at our community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all. Sign up today at http://www.ArtichokePress.com You are free to use this article in your blog or ezine, but please keep the © Judy Helm Wright.  Thank you.

To be a biological parent requires a single act of sex, or even a test tube or petri dish.  A joining of sperm and egg does not a family make.  How you were created is less important than how you were nurtured.

Parents and mentors come in all sizes, ages, sexual orientation and skills.  Many children I have met are parenting their parents.  They have had to assume adult roles in order to give themselves and their siblings any sense of stability.

To be a member of a healthy and nurturing family requires an endless array of complex behaviors, forgiveness, sacrifices, and commitment. It requires that we be very careful of derogatory labels like ”thief” “lazy” “liar” for occasional mistakes.

Kids Need Role Models

Children are the world’s most precious resource. They are the reason that we keep going to work and coming home dead-tired and still find time to play catch. Parents and role models recognize that the children are watching how we live our lives.

The best security blanket for any child is the knowledge that the adults in the family respect him/her and each other.  The choice legacy a family can bestow is unconditional love and forgiveness.

Separate the deed from the doer.  For more guidance on parenting, please see my website for excellent articles, resources and aides.

Families teach us that we can survive the pain of divorce, mental illness, abuse, alcoholism, suicide, unemployment, violence and all the other stuff that happens in life. The functional and flourishing family is most productive when it has goals and values as a unit.

When your family is supportive and respectful of the rights and dreams of each other, it is a wonderful spring-board to life.

Not all families are this loving, respectful group of individuals.  Many are made up of selfish people who put their own needs and desires above the highest good for all.   However, in my work with families, I have found that some of the most emotionally resilient and happiest groups are those who have been made stronger by their trials and tragedies.

How Do Healthy Families Work

Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not all the time.

Dysfunction can be any condition that doesn’t return to normal after a stressful circumstance.  In an emotionally unhealthy home, problems tend to be ongoing. Sometimes for generations the coping mechanism or lack thereof, has been taught and modeled.

In healthy families emotional expression is not just allowed and accepted but encouraged. Family members can freely ask for and give attention. There is unconditional love but boundaries for behavior. Rules remain consistent, but with some flexibility to adapt to needs and particular situations.

Healthy families allow for each member to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored. When healthy boundaries and expectations of behavior are established and common courtesy is in place, all members flourish.

Cooperation and communication are effective tools in producing harmony and personal growth for family members.

Self-Awareness Quiz

1. Who was a role model in your family?  Who showed you love and forgiveness?
2. If you are not a parent, can you still influence and encourage children? How?
3. Do you remember a family that seemed emotionally healthy and happy? What did they teach you?

Thank you for being a part of this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all. Be sure and claim your free eBook at http://bouncebackfromanything.com You may reprint this article in your blog but please give credit to Judy Helm Wright, Artichoke Press.com

The mind does not know when you are speaking the truth as it is or you are talking about what you wish were happening. To the mind it is just chatter. It is just as easy to see yourself and the members of your family having positive character traits as to dwell on the failure and disappointment. What you focus on, you get more of.  Shift your mindless chatter to good thoughts and look for the positive traits.

When you reflect back to people who disappointed you in their choices and you worry, stew, and fret about unchangeable circumstances, you are setting up a continual loop of negative self-talk. It takes no more effort to see a positive picture and the end result is more uplifting. You will find more information on catastrophic thinking in the chapter on emotions in the book Out of Balance? Be a Bounce Back Person.

Focus on the best in others, because they really are competent, worthy of your love and respect, when you strip away their anger, fears and insecurities. This allows them the freedom and opportunity to rise to your expectations.

Feedback Not Criticism

By operating from love and gratitude you will begin to see their mistakes as temporary indiscretions or mistakes, not personal attacks on you and your values.

When you correct others (and yourself) focus on the behavior not on the character. Today your son may have taken money from the top of your dresser and it is a fact that the money is gone.  The money is missing and he took it, but that does not mean he is a thief.  It simply means it is time to teach lessons on respecting other people’s property and resisting temptation.

Basically, he is a good kid and knows that it was wrong.  Tell him that he is expected to return the money with interest or mow the lawn for a month to repay the money or some discipline to teach about making better choices.

Stick to your guns and insist that he correct the mistake.  Do not make him the mistake.  If you call him a thief, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He will work hard to make that label fit.

It is just as easy to imagine and reinforce positive character traits in yourself and those you care about.  If you see your daughter being bossy and criticize her for being so, she becomes resentful and you become a nag.  If you can say “You are an amazing leader; let me help you to help yourself in finding ways to channel your talent in helping in the community.”

Just as nurturing and nursing a baby will help the physical body to grow and develop, so will nurturing the spirit. Part of your destiny includes helping others to reach theirs.

Self-Awareness Quiz

1. Do you recognize how negative labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies?
2. What do you do to encourage others and yourself?
3. What is the difference between feedback and criticism?

Thank you for sharing your feedback and comments. You are invited to claim your eBook at http://www.bouncebackperson.com You will be very glad you did. You may copy this article for use in a blog or classroom. Please give credit to Judy H. Wright and Artichoke Press.com

Just as nurturing and nursing a baby will help the physical body to grow and develop, so will nurturing the spirit. Part of your destiny includes helping others to reach theirs. You are the farmer and the gardener who will assist the family to develop their full potential.

Affirming kind words and encouraging positive behavior can affect the outcome of a child’s life. Whether you are a parent, teacher, coach, uncle or just kind neighbor, your positive words and actions will support and sustain a small child into a responsible adult.

It is possible to raise positive kids in a negative world.

Healthy Potted Plant

Think of a family as a healthy potted fern. A plant is made up of small individual stems and branches that, as separate entities, appear fragile and unsteady.  From a distance, the whole appears as a mass of green foliage that forms a solid picture and is described as a plant.

If you pulled out one stem and stuck it in a drinking glass, it might very well survive.  But it would look isolated and weak. The leaves would droop with no support or foundation of solid grounding. However, if that stem were resilient and had the right nurturing and assistance, it could form the foundation for another plant.

By growing and developing together, the individual stems gain strength and protection from one another. The plant and the family are healthier and grow more when everyone cooperates and shares both resources and environment. Their roots are intertwined and form a secure foundation that withstands being knocked over and occasionally neglected. Much like your mistakes and disappointments in life, as long as the roots are strong, you can grow again and again.

Nature is a Great Teacher

That is the way of nature. Nature is a wonderful teacher, and I gain hope just watching how plants turn toward the sun. When plants are exposed to light, they always turn toward the light and away from the negative shade if possible. Leaves tilt toward the Sun in order to absorb the greatest amount of positive nurturing possible. They – and I – want the light.

Don’t forget that a plant has spent a lot of time in dirty, dark places before it begins to blossom and expand

How To Be A Good Parent -Parenting Is Coaching

In today’s information age, parents are bombarded with tips, advice, and guidelines even before their children arrive in their arms. Everywhere parents turn, there’s another website, another friend, or another book pushing a different set of rules for how to be a good parent. Confusion is inevitable.
Trying to figure out the exact right way to be a good parent can become an obsession that obscures the real joys of parenting!
Trust Your Gut- But Get Assistance

Parenting is a big job! Listen and learn from successful families. Mentor your child to be a healthy, self-sufficient responsible adult.

You are the best expert on how to parent your child. But……….everyone needs tools to become a better parent and person.  If you grew up in a dysfunctional home or lack parenting skills, go to parenting classes, seek professional help or ask successful families that you know how to parent.
As a parent, you are more than a babysitter. To your children, you are a life mentor, supporter, coach, and guide. You do more than keep your child alive: you teach your child how to live. You are a specialist in your own lifestyle and have seen much of what works and a lot of techniques that are not healthy.
Don’t be shy about sharing your knowledge with your children! In our family, life always ran smother when we had family meetings and could discuss in a democratic way what was going on in life.  For an outline on Family Councils, see http://www.kidschoresandmore.com
Don’t Try To Be Perfect- Just Be Present
The perfect parent does not always have dinner on the table at six. The perfect parent does not always serve the healthiest option available. The perfect parent does not always know what to say. The perfect parent does not exist!
Families can do fine as long as the rules and boundaries are fair and consistent. If there is a foundation of unconditional love and forgiveness, then families will thrive, not just survive.
Rather than draining all of your energies as a parent in attempts to meet the standards others set for you, realize that the real answers to being a good parent lie within you. Spend time with your children listening and sharing and you will develop your own parenting style.
Mentor and Teacher–Not BabySitter

We are coaches, supporters, guides, and mentors to our children.
A football coach does not try to mentor children in French, yet many type B parents, encouraged by friends or media, try to teach their children to live a type A lifestyle. This is counter-intuitive and ultimately leads to frustration and confusion for both child and parent.
Like any other coach, mentor, or guide, a good parent teaches what he or she knows and admits what he or she doesn’t know.  You will be amazed at what your child will teach you.  They have a much less jaded prospective on life and can not only smell the roses but see the little Lady bugs.
Your best parenting style will be an extension of your own personal style.
Allow your personality, and that of your child, to guide you as you decide which parenting suggestions will work best for you. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Try new ideas. Reject the ones that don’t work for you or your child, and make the ones that do a  consistent part of your routine.

Self Awareness Quiz

1. What is some parenting advice that didn’t work for me and my child? What is some advice that did work?

2. What parenting methods from my past do I want to change or modify?

3. What are my goals as a parent?  How can we function best as a family?
Thanks for joining us today and sharing time learning new methods of parenting and family life.  This is the most important work you will ever do in your life. Enjoy your family and allow your child to enjoy you.
This article is written by Judy Helm Wright, life educator @ http://www.ArtichokePress.com You may have permission to use in your blog, ezine or offline magazine. Please keep contact information and content intact.

Thank You.

“I am bored.” “Why wont you play with me?” “I want to do something fun.”

Children may not know how to spend time alone with themselves.  They may feel they are entitled to have fun and be entertained all day long by parents, friends and electronic equipment. Some people have called this phenomenon into a new breed of parents and entertainers called “parentertainers”  This is adults who feel responsible for making sure children have a good time and enjoy the excitement of new and better activities every minute of the waking day.

Children enjoy listening to sounds of nature

Stop The Insanity

There is a big difference between feeling lonely and spending time alone.  Your child may need to be introduced to this concept.  As adults, we treasure the few minutes daily we have of alone time to regroup and relax.  So why do we feel that our children need to be entertained each moment?

Only when we are alone and silent do we hear our own inner voice.  Sit down with your child or children and tell them what you do in your alone time, and why yo like it so much  Tell them what you get out of being quiet and thinking thoughts and imagining things.

There is so much commotion in the days of most families that it is hard to find the time to stop and listen in silence.  Yet, it is when we listen to the sounds around us and the thoughts in our mind have an opportunity to be heard and acknowledged, the world seems to come alive.  Answers and solutions to problems and situations are allowed to bubble to the front of your mind and present ideas you have never thought about.

Time to Daydream and Play Independently

Children who value their own thoughts learn to understand their feelings.  The child who is encouraged to entertain himself with a solitary interest or hobby learns to think independently.   Having a hobby is more important than you might think.  Being able to build a model car, color in a coloring book or read an interesting book is very relaxing and will give a sense of pride and accomplishment to the child.

In a world where everything seems fast, furious and noisy, the child who can entertain himself or be alone with his thoughts to daydream will be much better equipped to be a productive and happy adult.  His imagination and daydreams will provide peace and satisfaction in his own company.

Model Free Time to Think

Remember, your children will model your behavior, so if you sit around and watch TV or keep loud music on all day, so will they.  Give them a gift of creativity and a space of time to daydream, think, plan and imagine.

I have confidence in you.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS: Be sure to sign up for the free ebook at http://www.KidsChoresAndMore.com The book will help get family chores done quickly so everyone can enjoy free time.

Why won’t my kid behave? What makes him so angry? How can I control his angry behavior? Why is his behavior rude and obnoxious? How can we teach respect and responsibility? Are all kids his age lazy?  What am I doing wrong?

Difficult Child or Child Having Difficult Day?

These are common questions that come up in parenting classes I teach and attend.    One of the biggest concerns of parents, teachers and care givers is how to get their kids to behave.  I know this for a fact, because my husband and I have six adult children, foster children and now grandchildren.  We see them with eyes of love and tolerance but are also aware that some children are more “high maintenance”  than others.

Labels Become Self Fulfilling Prophecies

There are many labels that adults put on children who do not immediately obey instructions. some are called ADD, ADDHD, Extreme kids, Indigo Child, Star Children and I have even heard them revered to as spoiled brats.  The problem with labels, titles and roles is that children soon begin to be that which they are called.  If they are seen as difficult, they will continue to be difficult.

Encouragement Toward Positive Goals

Although we may want and desire our children to automatically know what to do and say that will please us and society, life doesn’t work that way.  We must believe in our children if they are to believe in themselves.  In order to feel adequate and accepted, children need frequent encouragement.  A cooperative relationship depends on how children feel about themselves and their place in the world.

Although adults and other important people  do not cause children to misbehave, we can reinforce and encourage their misbehavior without being aware of what our expectations are for the child.  The child may be unaware that his action is seeking one of the four goals of misbehavior;

• Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Display of inadequacy

No effective parenting will work long term unless the whole family works together to build a respectful and positive relationship.  Most families with a difficult child who appears rude, defiant and lazy have tried everything before recognizing that it is a family concern and can only be resolved by working together.

Be Kind But Firm

Have a family council and decide what kind of a family you want to be and how to achieve those goals.  Set reasonable consequences and make sure the whole family understands what the rules and guidelines are going to be.  Don’t worry about every little infraction, but instead concentrate on a few behavior issues that are disrupting the quality of family life.  Ask the children to draw the chore calender or behavior chart.  Help them to become empowered with their own place in the family.

Consistent Consequences and Expectations

In my experience, it is not that parents don’t love their children, rather it is the opposite.  They want the best for the whole family but often discourage positive behavior by focusing on the negative.  Follow through and be consistent and you will be rewarded by not living with a difficult child, but rather a good kid having an occasional bad day.

I have confidence in you.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: Another great resource is http://www.kidschoresandmore.com which will help the whole family work together so there will be more free time for fun activities.