Ask Auntie Artichoke

Hello from Montana:

What constitutes respect for others?  Is being respectful the key to healthy relationships? Do you have to like someone to be considerate, kind and courteous? How do you work in a relationship where there is an uneven balance of power? Even if you disagree with someone can you respect their rights?

Several years ago there was a study done of 100 self made millionaires.  They ranged in age from young 19 to well over 70.  Their educational experiences extended from grade school to the Ph.D level. They differed in almost all characteristics, except they were all found to be respectful of other people.

Everyone Can Learn and Teach

They had determined early in their careers that everyone had something to teach and to share. They built respectful relationships by learning from others. Even  those who do not believe as you do, or look like you or speak like you, still have something to share and should be given the right to share in some way.

We tend to treat people like we see them. If we see them as arrogant, snooty or even shy, we tend to treat them in that manner.  I just did a radio show recently about a second chance at making a good first impression.  You will want to listen to that one, if you haven’t already.

Live Up to Expectations

Once you find the good or ability in other people you treat him or her better and thus they perform better.  We all tend to live up to the expectations of other people. I have seen children who were average students with one teacher and then become top producers with encouragement and acceptance.

If we see people worthy of respect, then we will treat them that way.  Even when they do not demonstrate their respect for us, we can still treat them with courtesy.

A quote that I love says “If you take a man as he is, you make him worse than he was, but if you see him as being the best person possible, then he, in fact, become the best person possible.”

Courage To Keep Trying

Encouragement is giving someone the courage to keep progressing on an upward road, to move ahead and to fulfill their destiny.  By giving respect and understanding to others in our relationship, we will all move forward. A life journey is seldom without some failure, or detours. When we can acknowledge the progress and respect the effort as well as the individual, we will have a better world.

Please come and join our community of kind, thoughtful people who want understanding and respect for all.You will find us at….

http://www.artichokepress.com

You will also want to go to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a workbook and bonus items that will assist you in building confidence in the future and courage today.

Thanks for sharing your time with me today,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Auntie Artichoke Says: Children need encouragement. They need to have you cheering their progress and celebrating their success.

Greeting to those who love children;

As caring adults who want to find methods of encouraging positive character traits in the children and youth  we love or work with, we want to give messages that reinforce their efforts.  There are really only two kinds of messages that we can give young people–

• Hurtful ones that diminish or belittle them as individuals and break the spirit. The result is that we dis”couarage’ them from trying again.
• Love signals in verbal and non verbal ways that give them courage to keep trying, to celebrate talents and possibilities.

Children Prefer Beatings to Being Ignored

When I first heard that statement, I was shocked and saddened. As I have visited with those who suffered childhood trauma and abuse, they have shared the feeling that they were invisible, except for the abuse.  No child should feel that way. Ever.Ever. Ever.

We often read about the commercial messages that our children are bombarded with each day and become  concerned that they will believe erroneous advertising.  The messages they receive from their parents and peer group is much more important and has the power to deeply alter their self esteem and identity.

Body Language is Communication of Relationships

Not all signals and sentences come from what we say, but rather how we act when we are present with our children. The crook of an eyebrow, a gesture of the hand, the pat on the back, the wink the smile, the frown, the crossed arms and impatient look are all gestures that speak volumes to others.

What is the message that a smile and a hug  sends to a worried child on test day?  We are encouraging them to do their best and letting them know that we love the person they are, not the test grade.  When we rub our child’s back before bed, or snuggle close to watch a favorite movie we are sharing non-verbal words and encouragement.

Words to Encourage Positive Behavior

• You are very special and I have confidence you will find a good solution.
• I am impressed by how kind you were last week to our neighbor.
• You are a problem solver. Can you see what has to be done next?
• That took a lot of courage. I was impressed with your bravery.
• It looks like you are understanding the math problems. It feels good to finally “get it” doesn’t it?
• You have a good brain, I am interested to see what you think about this?
• You have really made some good choices this week. Good job.

A simple message given to our child becomes their truth and that truth then becomes their belief system and ultimately their self confidence and esteem.  Thoughts and belief system govern their actions, their satisfactions and their joy.

If you would like additional assistance on encouraging words please see http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com

You will be glad you did.

Your friend,  Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Would love to have you visit our community

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Missoula:

Assuming personal responsibility is one of the measures of a mature individual.  This is a goal for each of us and one we want to teach our children.  This act of assuming personal responsibility is the willingness to think for myself and to act wisely with choices from my own mind.  Others may have influence over me and may instruct, give tools, assist, and  try to persuade me to go against my best interest.  However,  I do not grant others authority or my consciousness or follow blindly when I do not understand or agree.

When one act responsibly, it is with the agreement that the achievement of my happiness is my own job. No one else has the power to “make me happy” or “make me mad.”

I know that I, alone, am responsible for  my life, well-being, attitude and actions in all those areas that are open to my choice.

What is Not My Responsibility?

Just as I determine what I am responsible for, I need to recognize and acknowledge all that I am not responsible for.  I can control my own actions and thoughts, but I am not responsible for control other people’s thoughts and actions.  I can influence them with new information or ideas but do not have the power or the right to control their minds and lives.

As parents, we have a responsibility to teach character traits and values.  Does this insure that our children will not reject the teachings and make wrong choices? No, each individual has the right to make choices for their lives. Sometimes parents in my parenting classes will be racked with guilt because they taught and modeled honesty and their son still shoplifted.

Lack The Power To Control Others

Many feel that it is their responsibility to help others make wise choices.  They imagine themselves to posses a power no one posses; the power to determine the choices another person will make. If we learn that we do not have control over the minds and lives of others, we must also accept that we do not have complete and unlimited control over our own lives either.

Forces Beyond Our Choices Occur

It is a hard lesson to learn that sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Individuals do suffer through no fault or responsibility of their own. Choices are frequently very limited. All of us are affected at times by political,economic, environmental conditions that we do not choose.  We do have options, that are within our responsibly, of how we react or respond to those forces.

You are invited to claim your free ebook on Use Encouraging Words at http://www.useencouragingwords.com

Auntie Artichoke Asks- What is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility?

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Not only in Montana, but all over the world today children and teens are dreading the lunch bell.  Why?  Because they know that they will be teased, tormented and bullied when they are in a common area with other kids. Harsh and ugly words and phrases are hurled at the  child and usually in the presence of classmates, which is embarrassing. There are usually power struggles for “Queen Bees” and the “Wannabees” in girls and the “Alpha Male” in the boys. Teasing and  trading insults may be a way of getting acquainted or finding the group of friends who are friendly to the child.

Friendly and Unfriendly Teasing

If a child’s self esteem in grade school is dependent on relationships with peers, they need to learn to not take every remark as a personal insult.  Hopefully, you and your child can understand that teasing can be friendly or unfriendly.  Even saying a phrase like “Hello” or “Get out of here” can take on many different meaning with a change in tone of voice and body language.

Most communication is non verbal and so the child has to pay attention to not only what the other children say but how they say it.

Verbal Language is Exchange of Information

The words and greetings exchanged on the playground can often depend more on the mood and experiences of the speaker than on the one being addressed.  However, people in general and children in particular, tend to personalize anything that is said.  Helping them to interpret words and gestures to understand what the intent is behind the words.

Non Verbal Language is Communication of Relationships

Most emotional and relationship connecting people is nonverbal. So to understand other people the ability to read body language is huge.  Some children, because of their difficulty in reading other people’s cues (especially in groups) need to practice and role play interacting with others. Children also need to have confidence in their ability to like and be liked by other people.

Teasing on the playground will be easier to  interpret  by children who have gained some understanding that relationships bring pleasure and belonging along with the flip side of disappointment and frustration. Here are some non verbal cue and clues to help them:

Clues for Unfriendly and Friendly Teasing

Hostile facial expression                  Smiling facial expression

Sarcastic tone of voice                     Joking tone of voice

Fists, Arms crossed                           Hands open

“In your face”                                      Standing next to child being teased

Encourage Your Child To Problem Solve

When the child complains that they are being teased with hurtful words, the parents naturally feel the hurt as much or more than the child does. Be careful that you are not setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Teach them the skills they will need to help themselves. If  you would like assistance in encouraging your child, please go to:

http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

In support and joy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Help your kids to assume personal responsibility for their feelings and emotions.   You will always be grateful and so will they.

PSS:   Be sure to take a look at this    http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Conflict is inevitable. As long as we have at least two human beings interacting, we will have at least two opinions on how things should be done. You cannot avoid conflict, but you can control it with confidence and a desire to find peaceful solutions.

Have you ever been drawn into a match of wills at work or home only to find that once you jumped in, you could not find a graceful way out? Maybe you were hoping that the other person would just give up or someone would come along to rescue you.

I have listed some ideas for you to use to rescue yourself. Read and reread and then practice these behaviors and you will see less conflict and more cooperation.

Four Confidence Clues

1. Speak in short sentences. Say what you need to say, but don’t belittle the situation or the other person with long explanations. For instance, instead of saying; “Look you jerk, I worked my tail off preparing that report and all you could do is find one little error and want me to do it over again and I don’t have the time or energy to rework something that is good enough for most people.”  How about saying; “I see the error you are concerned about.”
2. Slow down your emotional response. Your first response is usually knee jerk reaction of revealing all the resentment, anger and justification of your actions.  Your rate of speech will be very rapid and fast.  When we speak rapidly, we often make mistakes or say things that are better left unsaid.  Our mind also races ahead of our ability to think and form our answers. You will want to slow down so that you appear to be rational and mature.
3. Watch your body language. Verbal communication is the language of information. Body or non verbal communication is the language of relationships.  If your arms are crossed and foot is tapping, it sends a defensive signal right away to the other person. If possible, take a few deep breaths, put your shoulders back and put one hand in your pocket and the other hanging loosely at your side.
4. Deepen your voice. Stress and anger can tighten your vocal cords, making your voice come out high and screech like.  This higher pitch sends a message that you are vulnerable and emotionally overwrought.  When you breathe as listed above, you will naturally relax and you will feel and hear a deeper, more confident voice coming out of your mouth.                                                                                                                                                                                                     Your goal is not to avoid conflict, because that is impossible, but to control it with confidence and courage.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.  If you would like to build more confidence in yourself  http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com

You will be glad you made the decision to build your self confidence so you can control conflict in your life.  How have you handled conflict in the past? Has that method worked for you? Leave a comment and let’s start a dialog about controlling conflict with confidence.

Your Friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Conflict is good most of the time. It helps us to see many sides and solutions to a problem. But some types of conflict produces only bad feelings and violent reactions.

Assertive communication can resolve conflicts in a confident manner.

If a situation has elevated beyond a friendly exchange of ideas, then you need to know how to resolve that conflict with confidence and assertive communication.

Besides being either a source of growth or a source of irritation in a family or organisation, conflict is also unavoidable.  As long as there are human beings involved there will be differences of opinions or methods of accomplishing a goal.

Personal and Professional Relationships

Regardless of the type of conflict — a neighbor who allows his dog to run free, your teenager who refuses to keep his curfew, a boss who is demeaning at work or a co-worker who feels free to criticize your religion, it is a daily part of life.

Assertive communication is the only response which will give you the opportunity to resolve the conflict in a win-win method. You will then have a productive outcome rather than hurt feelings, resentment and passive aggressive behavior.

Assertive Behavior Has Clear Boundaries

• Resist the temptation to start the resolution with “you make me… or you said this…” You statements always put the other person in a defensive mode.
• You will get more by defining the conflict in terms of your needs and feelings. Using “I statements” allows you to state your needs. Make the statements in a neutral or calm voice.
• Ask the other person about possible solutions. After you have stated your needs; “I need to know that you will honor your curfew so I don’t worry about you. Help me understand why you are having trouble getting home on time.”
• Don’t be to eager to talk but listen to what the other person says.  Be patient and let the other person formulate an answer. Assertive people are self-confident enough to hear the truth and respect other viewpoints.
• Choose a win-win solution. Conflict is not resolved if you have won and the other has lost. What is a solution that will be fair to all parties?

The question then is not how to avoid conflict, but rather how to manage or resolve it productively.  If you practice  these few techniques, you will be more comfortable and confident in recognizing what you need and deserve from relationships.  You will also have more insight into what others need and deserve from you.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.  If you need more assistance, claim the free e-course at http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com

You will be glad you did.  It can change your life for the better.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Have you ever been yelled at by your boss in front of co-workers? Has your two year old toddler had a melt down at the grocery store? Are you able to set

Assertive means respect the emotional, spiritual and physical boundaries of yourself and others.

boundaries for acceptable behavior from others and still been able to maintain emotional control?

Those who have a solid self image and have worked on their confidence usually have an advantage when it comes to conflicts or confrontations.

Being Assertive Is Not Easy, But Necessary

Those who want to manipulate and embarrass will usually target your feelings and emotions in order to put you on the defense.  This is the same tactics used by bullies on the playground and jerks in the parking lot.  It is a desire on their part to gain power and try to make you feel “less than.”

When we are functioning rationally, we recognize that while we aren’t perfect, we try hard to do a good job and deserve respect. We want to treat others as we would like to be treated, and so work to develop win-win situations.

If you would like assistance in finding the right words and phrases to overcome bullies please see http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com for a free e-course.

Control of Emotions Deflates Explosive Situations

When attacked verbally or manipulated, all humans tend to have a knee-jerk response to confrontation.  It as if only one face, situation, accusation or tantrum is open to our heart, mind and reactions.  When we are being assaulted it is very natural to  lose control or act outside the guidelines and standards of our life.

Set Boundaries When Buttons Are Pushed

Let’s face it, we all lose our cool occasionally or have buttons that others can either knowingly or unknowingly push which cause our emotions to spiral out of control.

There are words, gesture, phrases, situations personality traits and especially body language which trigger our hot buttons.  When those buttons are pushed, or boundaries are crossed, we often retaliate by saying “You made me angry.”  But actually, we choose to be angry.

By establishing boundaries of acceptable behavior you will be able to fall back on assertive tactics and maintain your emotional control.  You will be more comfortable in relationships when you set boundaries that you will not accept.

For instance;

• I will not allow you to yell at me. If you want to talk about the matter in a calm voice, let me know and I will be happy to discuss it further.
• I am sorry you choose to scream in the store. Remember, we talked about using a polite voice. We will go out to the car and maybe try coming back later.
• I am angry about what just happened in the lunchroom.  You may not like me, but you do have to speak to me with respect. Please do not embarrass me in front of others ever again.

You are a strong and valuable person and I am proud of you for working on the skill of setting boundaries and maintaining emotional control in relationships.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Has your shyness and lack of confidence held you back in relationships

Choose today to be more confident and overcome shyness

or on the job?  Do you wish you were more assertive? Would you like to overcome shyness and be more outgoing?  Perhaps I can offer a few encouraging words to assist you in this journey.

Shyness is a Behavior

Many people assume that being shy or being bossy are both in born parts of a baby’s personality. Actually, confidence is a learned skill and practiced behavior.  It is much like learning to play the piano, or ride a bike. It takes some time to develop and incorporate this new skill into your life.

In order to gain self confidence and be more assertive in your life you need a mentor to show you the steps and then you need to practice daily.

When You Know Better You Do Better

If you are not comfortable with how you view yourself, perhaps you need to expand your viewpoint as well as your knowledge base.  If you learn to overcome shyness you will be able to push back the walls of a cubicle as well as your mindset.

Liking and being comfortable with your self image does not happen overnight.  Throughout your life you received some powerful messages about you are from parents, peers and co-workers. But the most powerful influence is your own self-talk and negative thought patterns.

Stop Negative Thinking

Replace the tapes of negative self-talk and replace it with positive thinking and action.  Make a decision to overcome shyness by encouraging yourself with affirmations.  Say yes to yourself and your goals.

You were drawn to this specific article because you are at a crossroads in your life.  You can either continue with actions, behaviors and thoughts  that have not served you well, or you can make a conscious choice to step out of the past and into the future you deserve.

Encourage Yourself With Wise Choice of Words

Instead of…  ”I have always been shy” say “I choose to smile at three new people today.”

Instead of …”I am intimidated by crowds” say “I will find one person and start a conversation with them.”

Instead of …”I am such a loser” say “”I have done at least 20 things right today. I am going to count them.”

Instead of …”I don’t know what to say” consider “I will smile and comment on the weather to a co-worker.”

Building Self Confidence

Overcoming shyness is not an easy task, but it can be done.  I have done it and so can you. I have confidence in you and your dream. Please take these encouraging words and know that I mean them from my heart.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker

PS: If you would like more assistance to build confidence, please see http://www.confidenceclues.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Would you like to build confidence in your parenting skills? Do you sometimes wonder if your family relationships are on a roller coaster. One day the kids seem responsible, kind and thoughtful individuals and the next they disrespectful, defiant and rude. They push against the rules and boundaries and try your patience.

Don’t Be Discouraged, Be Consistent

We tend to think that teaching and discipline is like a diagonal line on a graph moving onward and upward.  However, raising responsible children is more like the ocean tide.  We move forward, we retreat, move forward once more, fall back.  But we are always there.

The falling back and regrouping our strength and power can be discouraging to parents. The way to think about it is to envision the incoming tide.  Then you can more easily see that after a falling back comes the moving forward. Each time we do that we are a little ahead of where we were previously.

There Are No Perfect Families

As humans, we tend to see ourselves at our worst and others at their best. Comparing our children, ourself or our situation with others will only lead to discouragement. Each family has unique problems and different battles to win. Look at your efforts and family with a loving attitude and a forgiving heart.

Understand that your children are not the symbol of your success in life. You can suggest, influence and give tools for improvement but you can never force another human being to change.  Accepting others where they are is a basic principle for personal growth and self improvement in family relationships.

The only real tool in our parenting backpack to encourage positive action in our family which we have direct access is our own behavior. Children will be more willing to change and adapt more responsible attitudes when they see the important adults in their life assuming personal responsibility.

Consistent Guidelines and Unconditional Love

Once parents understand and grasp the notion that by changing our own behavior we can influence the unacceptable behavior, life gets much easier.

Like the tide ever moving towards the shore it has consistent actions. We can count on it ebbing and flowing. We want to be consistent in our expectations so the family knows what the boundaries are.  Children need to know  you will always love them unconditionally but may not approve of their actions.

As we encourage and support their positive actions and help them to understand the consequences for crossing the boundaries, they are better equipped to self govern.

Our love for our family and for ourself should not be dependent on behavior, but rather unconditional and never ending.

I have confidence in you that you will make wise choices for your family. You will learn new and more effective  parenting skills and incorporate them in your life.

If you need additional assistance in order to build confidence in your parenting skills, you are invited to go to:

http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

You will be glad you did.

In confidence,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS: You will also want to check out
http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Are you or someone you love overcome with low self esteem? A belief system which implies that you are less than others and not deserving of happiness is not serving you well.  Each one of us is born with a gift or destiny. It is important that you find ways and means to build confidence and raise your self-esteem.

Build Confidence With Positive Affirmations

Our thoughts and belief systems are continually running through our minds.  Are your thoughts mostly positive or negative?  Thoughts are like plants in a garden, when you plant a bean (or positive thought) you get multiples of beans. You will want to plant a series of hope, success, happiness and enthusiasm seeds of positive affirmations.

Affirmations are statements of belief.  Your subconscious does not grade or evaluate them.  It just tries to make the actions of the individual (you) make them come true. The more you repeat a statement, the more the mind will hear the message and  encourage your physical body to follow the encouragement.

Affirmations For High Self-Esteem

• I am a worthy person who treats others and myself with respect.
• I am a successful problem solver and find creative solutions.
• I draw others to me who are kind, thoughtful and helpful.
• I  take care of my body and mind so I can appreciate all my talents.
• I am brave, courageous, and unafraid to change ways and thoughts that are not working for my highest good.

Negative Thoughts and Low Self-Esteem Unwelcome

I have confidence in your ability to encourage a positive attitude and high self-esteem. You can do it.  You are worthy of the respect of your peers, family and friends. Just keep planting positive affirmations in your mind and acting in a confident manner.

If you need assistance, please go to:
http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com

You will be glad you did.

In gratitude,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker