Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Friday, February 19th, 2010
Auntie Artichoke suggests you find ways to connect to step children that make them feel special.
Hello from beautiful Montana:
It is important that it takes time, effort and a great deal of patience to blend two families. Just because the adults have gone through a marriage ceremony or feel committed to each other, it does not automatically blend personalities, experiences and expectations. Children in step families have a number of emotions that come into play when a non-parent suddenly enters the picture.
Life during the courtship period is frequently unrealistic as well as confusing. Daily life takes teamwork and cooperation to make a house a home. You may not be the natural Daddy or the Daddy they wanted, but you do deserve respect. Respect is earned and does not come automatically.
Step families Are Special
Parenting is hard enough in the first place and children love to test the limits of our patience and skills. Please remember that the children did not ask to be in this position and are understandably concerned and trying to work out the relationships in their own minds.
The child may have been in a position where the mother’s boyfriend gave him treats or special attention in order to win the affections of both mother and child. Now, in a day-to-day experience it takes a lot of give and take to make the family work, and rewards are not forthcoming for just being there. Generally speaking, the premarital adult-child relationships may be confusing for mature adults as well as children.
Regular Family Meetings
The most successful families I have worked with have always had a regular family meeting or round-table weekly. This enables all members of the blended family to discuss issues, set goals and clarify situations. These meetings, which allow both parents and children to participate and become empowered. Held on a weekly basis, many small problems can be solved before they become large ones.
Discussing problems and expectations on a regular basis allows everyone to feel part of the team. Make sure that you and your spouse are united on goals for the family and that you show respect and kindness to each other and the children. A good parenting plan includes all responsible adults.
You Are Not My Daddy
One of the main issues of step parenting is to do your level best to respect and honor the relationship the child has with the biological parent, but still offering love and attention. Talk about the biological parent in positive or neutral terms. If you speak negatively about the parent, the child will feel defensive, guilty and as if he too was being judged harshly.
If the biological or “real daddy” was negligent or a poor parent, your job is to empathize with the child. As you demonstrate that you are going to be a permanent, but loving part of the child’s life, there will be less and less power struggles.
Kids, Chores and More
As you work with the blended or step-family be sure to teach respect and responsibility as life skills. You will find information on Family meetings, appropriate expectations and fun activities to blend your family.
Good Luck. You do an important job.
Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
http://www.kidschoresandmore.com
Tags: blended famiily, Child, child care, communication with step kids, discipline step children, Family, family meetings, goal setting for blended family, Judy H. Wright, Marriage, Montana, new parent in family, parent, parenting plan, step - dad, step parent, step-families, Stepfamily
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Monday, February 15th, 2010
Hello from beautiful Montana,
One of the most important tasks a parent does is help their child to feel good about who they are and to have confidence to succeed.
Do your children know your hereos and mentors? Why do you admire them?
There is very little correlation between good grades and success in life. Are you surprised? I was certainly amazed to find that of the valedictorians and the “C” or even “D” student years later, it was not academics that prepared them for life. It was those who felt empowered by the adults in their life who knew they could contribute to the world.
As parents, grandparents and other caring adults, we can share respect and admiration with our children for those who go the extra mile. We can help them to find heroes and then examine the character traits that made them who they are.
Heroes Inspire Us To Become All We Can Be
Heroes are mortal just like us. Everything which has ever been done in the history of the world has been done by somebody. Some person pulled on those character traits in their heart and responded with courage, bravery, loyalty or honesty. If they can do it so can we.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said “The hero is no braver than the ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.”
Our children will be at the forefront of great inventions and thinking involving global warming, environment, the global economy and helping humanity. We help them to be problem-solvers and forward thinkers, by introducing them to the men and women who have given the world an example of character and valor.
Help Children Find Heroes and Build Character
Who do you admire in life? What are the teachings that shaped your destiny? How do you define leadership? Does your child recognize those who step up from the ordinary and act in a brave and courageous way?
Take the time to talk about the heroes and mentors in your life and the lives of others who have shared stories. Include stories and examples not only of world leaders, but also heroes in your family, neighborhood and community. Be sure that you include those who have died but whose character traits and example live on. It is important for children to learn that character traits and responsibility are a part of who they are.
They have the choice to build character by the choices made on a daily basis. Making a choice to follow a path forged by heroes is an honorable one which will bring joy and progress to others, not just satisfy a selfish whim. As parents and other caring adults, we help foster these characteristics in our children the same way we teach other desirable traits; by practice and example.
I have confidence in your ability to assist your children to find heroes in life and to build character strengths on a daily basis.
In gratitude,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
http://www.ArtichokePress.com
Tags: Courage, Global warming, Human, Invention, Montana, Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Saturday, January 16th, 2010
Hello from beautiful Montana;
Parents, ask yourself - Would you like to work for a boss who never complimented your efforts? Who only commented on what you had done wrong? Would it make you a more loyal employee to receive positive feedback and encouragement on the things you were trying to learn?
You would be more willing to change habits or ways of doing tasks if your instructions were not always negative and demeaning.
The answer is no! None of us like to be in a negative environment where we are discouraged from trying new methods or ways of doing things. Being told to do something only one way stifles the imagination and limits the use of creative freedom. Work can be fun if we feel empowered.
Many workplaces and homes do tasks in the same old, same old way. It is not an adventure to clean closets or pick up clothes, but a drudgery and a habit to do it the same way. Giving the parameters of a job and then allowing the freedom to find new and better solutions builds confidence and independence.
Change Your Responses to Change Bad Habits
If your child habitually drops his coat on the sofa when he comes home from school and that annoys you, have a brainstorming session with him and let him come up with new solutions. For every situation there are at least five solutions, so don’t get stuck using just one.
Give recognition for even the smallest of accomplishment as your child learns new skills and practices the old ones. Focus on the process not the specific task. For instance, “You are doing a better job with putting the bed covers on straight. Why do you think it is important to have the same amount of sheet on each side of the bed?”
You certainly are not going to compliment your child on every little thing he does right (even though statistics show he does 19 right to every 1 unacceptable act) but you are hopefully going to toss out encouragement words and phrases here and there on the days journey.
Positive Feedback Can Change Habits and Lives
Looking for something positive to give feedback on can change the attitude of the recipient. Positive encouragement has such great motivating power. It should be honest and sincere or the child will think it is worthless and phony.
Encouragement focuses on the effort and progress made. Praise tends to focus on the finished product and only offered after the job is done. Encouraging and positive feedback inspire children with hope and faith that they will improve.
We want our children to believe that the positive power behind them is always greater than the problem in front of them.
In gratitude for the important work you do.
Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker
PS: Be sure to check out http://www.ResponsibleChildren.com You will be glad you did.
Tags: Artichoke Press, contributing to the family, family works together, feedback not criticism, Getting kids to help at home, inspire kids with home, Judy H. Wright, Kids Chores and More, lazy kids, overcoming bad habits with kids, Parenting, positive feedback, raising responsible children
Posted in Communication, Confidence Clues, Family, Judy H. Wright, Learning, Parenting, Uncategorized, building self confidence, child behavior issues | No Comments »
Friday, December 11th, 2009
Hello from Montana:
As many of you know, I work with Hospice occasionally, especially gathering end of life stories. It is a sacred work and one that helps bring closure to a person’s time on this earth. Most people are not afraid to die, but are afraid to have died in vain. they want to know they will be remembered and that they somehow contributed to the universal cause of making it a better world.
Nothing Would Be the Same If You Did Not Exist
By gathering the little tales of triumph and tragedy, it is possible to see how a pattern of ones lives develops. We are all connected, and we are all affected and touched by the decision and even the existence of those around us.
There was a study done with elderly patients some time ago in Berkley asking them their main regrets in life. In different words, but similar meaning every life story I have conduced comes down to these three regrets:
- I wish I would have risked more. My own mother said that she choose the unknown when the known would have been fine.
- I wish I would have reflected more. Actually taken the time to stop and smell the roses and to determine; “Is this who I want to be? Is this where I want to go” Is this the kind of person I admire?”
- I wish I would have contributed more. This quality is not necessarily sharing money, even though that is important. But it is also sharing emotions, thoughts and encouragement to others.
Many studies of older Americans find that one of the best predictors of happiness is whether a person considers his or her life to have a purpose. Without a clearly defined purpose, seven in ten
people feel unsettled and nervous about their lives. Those who have determined that they do indeed have a purpose and they had added value and meaning to the world are content with their lives, no matter how much time they have left.
I have confidence in your purpose. It is a pleasure to connect our spirits in this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all the world.
Judy Helm Wright, aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker
http://artichokepress.com
Tags: Artichoke Press, end of life, hospice, Judy Helm Wright, meaning to the world, purpose of life, unsettled and nervous about life
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Thursday, December 10th, 2009
Hello from beautiful Montana:
As a parent educator, I teach families that the 3 best ways to insure their babies success in school and life is to:
- Talk to them ( tell them stories, tell them where their nose is, tell them what is going on in the room around them.)
- Read to them (babies love the sound of your voice and children love the closeness of cuddling on the sofa to read books. Ideally, you should read to them at least 20 minutes every day to enrich their vocabulary and use of the language.
- Sing to them (sing a nursery rhythm, nonsense song or a current top hit – babies need to learn about pitch, tone and volume too)
The communication skills taught in very young children instill a love of learning and a vocabulary that will assist them in various academic situations.
Nurture Positive and Encouraging Communication
This is best done when you can find these factors in the home and family;
- The atmosphere is warm and accepting. There is not a lot of judgement or rigid and unbending rules.
- Each member of the family is allowed to be unique and different. They are not locked into labels “The shy one” or roles “the good one.”
- The family enjoys being together and can laugh and play with each other.
- Members of the family feel that they can voice a different opinion and still be heard.
- The guidelines of the family are kind but firm.
Healthy family who have healthy communication is a goal for all of us. Especially if we were brought up in a family that did not allow open conversation and dialog.
To learn more about this subject, you are invited to go to: http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com You will be glad you did.
In support and love,
Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote motivational speaker
Tags: Artichoke Press, Auntie Artichoke, closed family, Family communication, Judy Helm Wright, parent educator, success of babies, teach families
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Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
Wow, Time Flies. I think we just had New Year’s Eve a few weeks ago. Either time moves faster or we move slower as age and circumstances come along our life’s journey. I was prompted to think about this particular subject by reading a group writing project by Daniel Scocco and Connie Ragan Green
At a recent gathering, we asked the question of dinner guests;
Was last year happy or horrible for you? After everyone had finished moaning and groaning about some aspects of the past year, I taught them a trick I use to help children be more positive. This is also a great way to teach ourselves and our children to be problem solvers.
But Then….
As a parent educator I hear all the stories of negative thoughts and pessimistic families. Parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches and day care providers want to know how to turn negative thoughts, and whiny voices to positive actions.
A technique we used was to allow the child (or adult) to vent and then to say “But then…” and ask them to tell us something positive that came out of the experience. Sometimes they decided it wasn’t worth the effort to be mad. Or perhaps they realized that there are some things in life you can not change, and so you change what you can and do not worry about the other things.
Life Lesson 101
No one has a life that is completely happy or completely horrible. Most of our joy comes in little bursts of pleasure and enjoyment. Most of our disappointment come in little bursts of frustration or being overwhelmed.
We all have the answers and solutions in our mind and spirit. Sometimes we just need a little nudge to remember or think of them. There are at least five solutions to every situation and it feels good to be able to come up with an idea you had never considered before.
Lists of Negative and Positive
If you are making a list and checking it twice, be sure to ask yourself what you learned from each negative or horrible experience? Empower yourself by finding ways to turn horrible into happy.
Your friend and supporter,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker
http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com
Tags: Artichoke Press, being overwhelmed and frustated, children to overcome negative, completely happy, completely horrible, disappointed, effort to be mad, empower yourself, end of year thoughts, happy new year, Judy H. Wright, last year was horrible, life lesson 101, overcome adversity, overcome negative thoughts, some things you can't change, trick to help children be positive
Posted in Communication, Current Affairs, Family, Food and Drink, Judy H. Wright, Motivation, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized, Wellness, building self confidence, child behavior issues | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
I’m evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they’re letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.
It covers:
- The best blogging techniques.
- How to get traffic to your blog.
- How to turn your blog into money.
I’ll let you know what I think once I’ve had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it’s still free.
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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
Stepdad, hmmm, Does that mean that you are available to be stepped on or walked over? No, you are not a stepped on dad. You are an important part of your children’s and step children’s lives, even if they don’t always respect you or your position as the dad in this house.
You will never be their stepkids’ birth parent and you never will be. Even if the other parent is deceased the children may refer to him as “my real dad.” That is okay. That is reality. But it is also reality that you are not necessarily worthless or inferior to the birth parent. You are each unique and provide different aspects to parenting.
Dad of This House
Most stepparents want more than respect. We hold the dream that we will also be loved and honored by them as we hope we can build a new family unit. Many therapists tell me that young children are very black and white and cannot deal in abstract thinking.
What this means is that when children begin to transfer affection to a step parent, they feel guilty and disloyal to the birth parent. They need to be told that it is okay to love many people and that it is good to have a number of adults who care and support them.
Don’t Expect Instant Love
You may feel irritated or resentful of your stepchildren. You don’t have to automatically love them, but you do have to act in a loving and respectful way towards them and their mother.
As you give and demand respect and kindness, you will create a shared life filled with memories. Love and affection take time to grow in any relationship. Many times, just looking at what the child might be feeling and having an honest and open communication will pave the road for a mutually respectful relationship.
Step dad or stepped on dad? How about being a part of the village it takes to raise a child. We are all in this together.
Thanks for joining our community of caring parents, family members,coaches, teachers and mentors who want to help raise a generation of responsible adults who respect others.
Artichoke Press is the home site of Judy H. Wright, family relationship coach and author of over 20 books and many articles on family relationships. If your organization would like to schedule Auntie Artichoke, the storytelling trainer, for a workshop please call 406.549.9813.
(c) Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com You have permission to reprint this article in your blog, ezine or offline magazine as long as you keep the content and contact information intact. Thank You.
PS: If your family is having problems with disrespectful and rude children and you need ideas on how to deal with out of control kids; check it out. You will be glad you did and so will your family. http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com
Tags: birth parent, birthparents, dad of this house, ex-husband, generation of responsible adults, http://www.artichokepress.com, Judy H. Wright, my real dad, my real mom, parent is deceased, respect others, rude kids, step - dad, step - parents, step kids are rude, stepdad
Posted in Communication, Current Affairs, Family, Judy H. Wright, Learning, Parenting, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized, child behavior issues | 1 Comment »
Friday, September 25th, 2009
Problem Kids or Parent Training. Much like the age old question of which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Many of the parents I see in my work as a family relationship author and trainer are not confident of their parenting skills and the children can sense their insecurity.
Those insecurities may stem from lack of role models in their youth, or that they want to over compensate for what they perceive are lacks in the family structure. They may feel that since there is divorce, financial problems, adhd or other problems, it is easier to let the children get away with being angry, spoiled and demanding.
Angry children make life miserable for everyone
Parents are Teachers not Friends
Perhaps it may be easier short term to allow the kids to be in control or disrespectful, but it will cause multiple life problems for everyone if it is not curtailed.
Parents are sometimes hesitant to talk about child behavior issues for fear of being judged by others. Many are not aware that most schools and many churches offer free or low cost parent training.
Children Need Consistent Boundaries
We all learn and behave better when we know what is expected of us and what is not going to be tolerated. When parents meet together in groups and discuss behavior issues, they will find clues, tips and ideas from other families and the leader of the class.
Parent training is not so much about what you are doing wrong, but on reclaiming your power and understanding how to work with your children to achieve a more cooperative home.
Empowered Parents – Well Behaved Kids
As you discover more ways to work together with respect, you may actually see your child reacting with anger and resistance. Stick to your guns. You are the parent and as the child sees that you are willing to change and grow in new ways, he or she will pick up on your behavior.
Change will not occur overnight and it may be a two steps forward, three steps back journey to a peaceful home. Give yourself some “atta – boys” for recognizing that what your family has done in the past needs to adjust and shift in order for problem kids to turn into peaceful partners towards a more respectful relationship. You will also want to use some encouraging phrases on the family to keep moving forward.
I encourage you to go to http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com to claim your free eBook on effective communications. You will be glad you did.
You will also want to check out this site if your problem kids are a danger to themselves or others http://mytt.us/qkmsfhty The program is guaranteed and can transform your family.
Tags: Artichoke Press, Auntie Artichoke, disrespectful kids, encouraging phrases, encouraging words for children, family relationships, Judy H. Wright, Parenting training, parents training, peaceful home, problem children, problem kids, reacting with anger, transform family
Posted in Books, Communication, Confidence Clues, Current Affairs, Family, Judy H. Wright, Learning, Parenting, Uncategorized, Wellness, child behavior issues | 1 Comment »
