“Get down from the table top right now! What are you doing? Floors are for standing on, tables are for eating. You need a time out, young lady. You go to your room and think about how you have been acting today.”

So little Mary, 4, goes to her room with a sulky look on her face, but is quickly lost in a game with her dolls and toys. When her mother comes to tell her that she can come out, she is so engrossed in playing that she barely looks up, completely forgetting why she was sent to time out in the first place.

So, does time out work for children?

Yes, but only when it is age appropriate (one minute for each year of age) and then followed by a discussion at eye level of why the action was unacceptable. There has to be some conversation or connection to the actual event or misbehavior for it to be used as a teaching tool. It has been my experience that the consequences need to be tied in some tangible way to the mistake in order for the discipline to become long lasting. Perhaps a more effective teaching discipline would be to have Mary scrub the table and chairs.

When the room is in chaos, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing, the potatoes are burning and the baby is crying all at the same time, the natural reaction is to explode. Even the act of seeing the bike in the driveway, again, is enough to make the blood boil and the steam come out of our ears.

However, I am convinced that parents need to step back at times and reflect on the fact that they are teachers who are training the next generation, instead of giving in to the impulse to scream, smack or threaten.
Step back to see a new perspective.

It is better by far for you to give the child some warning and say ” I am so angry right now that I am afraid I will say or do something that would make both of us sorry, so I am going to go in the bedroom and calm down for a few minutes. Meet me in the living room in 15 minutes and we will discuss it. But, in the meantime, I strongly suggest you not bother me and that you spend the time thinking about solutions to the problem.”

When you feel tense, try saying calming things to yourself aloud: “Things will work out, it is not worth a stroke” “I want to have the misbehavior stop, but not damage my child’s spirit” “That was a rotten thing for her to have done, but she is not a rotten child” “She is a good child who made a bad choice” “Is this worth ruining the evening over?” “This too (or two, in the case of toddlers) shall pass.”

Relax somewhat by taking a deep breath to the count of four, hold for the count of four and release to the count of four, while you are thinking or saying aloud “Be calm”. Now, do it again at least three times. You can feel your muscles unwind and your head clear somewhat. You will feel more in command of your voice and your actions.

Focus on solutions, not excuses

In 15 minutes (often you don’t get the luxury of one minute for each year of age, but wouldn’t it be nice?) you will have calmed down some and the child will be ready to offer solutions. Do not allow him to offer excuses, only solutions. Allowing him to own the problem and the consequences makes it a much more effective learning experience for both of you. Taking time out before a discussion gives both the parent and the child time to regain some perspective and come up with a much more meaningful solution than one handed out in a moment of anger.

An example from one mother

Sandy, Mother of 3 shared with a parenting class some excellent advice on dealing with children;

“Many times when the kids seemed to have ‘an attitude’ that I knew could rapidly lead to a confrontation, I made them go in the kitchen and have a peanut butter sandwich or some cheese and crackers and then meet me in 20 minutes to discuss things. Frequently, they were simply hungry or thirsty and needed to get some protein and carbohydrates in their body to regulate the blood sugar. It is amazing how many arguments were forestalled by a full belly. Finding out that active 11-13 year old boys needed 3,000 calories a day to operate and grow, explained why they were cranky a lot!”

Take an adult time out to regroup

You have my permission to take a time out whenever you need it. Children need firm and kind discipline and we can’t offer that when we are angry or out of control ourselves. A few minutes of reflection, prayer or deep breathing can give us a new prospective on life and the crayon drawings on the living room wall.

You do the most important work in the world and twenty years from now, it will be a funny family story about Mary on the dining room table. In reflection you will both realize that tables can be washed or even replaced, but close relationships and respectful guidance are priceless.

Judy H. Wright© 2005 www.ArtichokePress.com

Criticism is punitive

Our children judge themselves on the opinions we have of them. When we use harsh words, demeaning adjectives or a sarcastic tone of voice, we literally strip a child’s core of self-confidence and make them less likely to try to please us.

Studies have shown that verbal abuse is more likely than physical abuse to damage children’s self esteem.

Not only does it damage their soul, it is counter productive to cooperation and lasting change.

Encouragement is uplifting

Encouragement is the process of focusing on your children’s assets and strengths in order to build their self-confidence and feelings of worth.

Parents need to convey though words and gestures that we appreciate their efforts and improvement, not just their accomplishments. We need to make sure they understand that our love and acceptance is not dependent on their behavior or winning the prize in soccer.

Positive correction that changes behavior

A very effective way of communicating is create a verbal Encouragement Sandwich:

1 Start off with a slice of the bread of life. For example, “I really admire the way you are learning to take better care of your things.”

2. Next, add a little mayo spread lightly, “I felt happy when I saw you hang up your new jacket last night.”

3. Then, the slice of sharp cheese, “However, I noticed you left your bike outside in the rain again.”

4. On top of the cheese, a little spicy mustard to catch their attention, “Please put it away every night or we will have to lock it up for a week each time it is left out.”.

5. Finally, another slice of bread, “All in all, you are a responsible kid and I have confidence you will choose to take better care of your bike.”

Do they get the message of the mistake of leaving the bike out? Yes, but it is not by attacking them personally and this method of correction gives them an incentive to do better.

Nurturing better behavior

Some parents and care givers, particularly those who did not receive much love or encouragement in their childhoods, often fail to see the importance of nurturing the inner core of a child. The sad part of this is that encouragement and kind feedback will bring about positive change, whereas criticism brings about rebellion, anger and loss of self worth.

Encouragement Works

Zig Ziglar, an internationally known motivational speaker, has said “When we have positive input, we have positive output, and when we have negative input, we have negative output.”

As a parent educator, mother and grandmother, may I suggest that you need to be very careful of the words you choose to motivate your children?

It helps if you break up the word to read “en” courage, which means giving a gift of courage: the courage to keep trying, to keep up the good work, to focus on next time and not give up. This courage helps the child realize that they can make mistakes and they will still be loved and valued. Where as “dis” courage or criticism takes away the courage to try new things or work harder for fear of getting in trouble and displeasing the adults.

What choices could you make next time?

Help the child and yourself recognize that mistakes are never final and frequently we get a “do-over” or a second chance. The past is done; we can learn from it and then focus on the future

For a listing of encouraging words and phrases, please check out the website http://www.ArtichokePress.com.

Thank you for doing a great job

Those of you working with children on a daily basis do the most important work in the world. I applaud your efforts and “en” courage you to choose your words carefully when you want the children you care for to improve their behavior. Words have the power to build up or destroy. As caring adults the goal is to strengthen the character of the child as well as get the jackets, bikes, toys, etc. picked up on a consistent basis.

© 2005 Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator

www.ArtichokePress.com

What one word best sums up summer fun? Water. I bet your favorite memories as a child involved getting wet, running through sprinklers on a sweltering afternoon, water fights in the backyard, wading at the beach, playing on the slip & slide, and skipping rocks across the river. Your kids will relish the same experiences if they share them with you.

The real secret to having fun with kids is to be easy going enough to enjoy their company. Be sure to appreciate the little things like their suggestions for other games, their planning other times for play and the compliments that are sure to follow!

The memories will be of a parent who made the time to play with them, talk with them and laugh with them. More than anything else children want time with loving, relaxed parents, something they cannot get from a television program, video game, or anyone else in their lives.

Water cools kids down but also encourages spontaneous enjoyment. Because water does make kids a little wild, parents have to be aware of safety issues as well as fun.

Here are some ideas for a fun time in the water.

o Sprinkler: this is a win- win situation! The kids get cool and the lawn gets watered.

o Hose: adjust the nozzle so it shoots a thin stream of water. Have kids jump over it or limbo under it!

o Water balloons: any game played with a ball will be more fun when you substitute a water balloon but be sure and pick up the bits of balloon afterwards. They can be a danger to toddlers, wildlife or your family pet.

Water Piñata

Fill a large garbage bag with water, tie with a rope and hoist it over a branch of a tree. Blindfold the child, give him a stick & watch out!

Water Music

You can make music without expensive instruments. All you need are some glasses (eight for a complete musical scale), some water and a spoon.

Fill the glasses with water – a lot in the first glass, not quite so much in the next, a little less in the next, and so on, until in the last glass there is just a little bit of water. Now tap each glass gently with the spoon. Each one makes a different sound. Add or subtract water until each glass becomes a musical note. With a little practice and “tuning up, you can play a song. Try Happy Birthday or Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. Maybe you can make up some songs of your own!

Water Fights

Nothing is more fun on a hot summer’s day than a water fight with buckets. Choose up sides and find a “time out” space for the old grouches (they will want to join when they see how much fun you are having). Invite the neighborhood and then have a watermelon bust afterward.

Floating Down the River

We are blessed to live in an area with beautiful rivers and streams. The absolute joy of watching nature from an inflatable raft or inner tube while floating is an opportunity to teach your children to appreciate all the earth has to offer us. Be sure everyone is wearing life jackets and then enjoy the day and each other. It is almost impossible to worry when you are splashing in the water.

Being a playful Parent means you have to incorporate fun and laughter into your day. Are you are the type who thinks a parent’s job is to worry, fret and work, work, work? Trust me, your children would much rather have a happy, smiling, fun loving parent who will interact with them joyfully than any toys from the store.

Enjoy the Trip

Everyone tells you to enjoy your children, because they grow up so fast. It is true! But the joy of playing is that you have an opportunity to be a child again with them. So grab your bucket and I’ll turn on the hose and we will meet in the back yard for a little fun in the water. It doesn’t matter if the clothes get wet and the floor gets muddy, because we are busy making memories.

©2005 Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator

www.ArtichokePress.com

To have reasonable expectations of our children is an important aspect of wise parenting. Reasonable expectations leave room for a child to be a child but understand they are on the road to learning to be a mature adult. Often I see parents who try to hold their children to a much higher standard than the child is able to accomplish or just the opposite, ask almost nothing from the child. Many parents who were forced to work hard as a child, either because of financial reasons or over-strict parents have vowed that their children will be allowed to just be “kids” and enjoy life. May I tell you that there is a happy medium?

EVERY ONE IN FAMILY SHOULD HELP

All members of the family should be expected to contribute to the upkeep of the home and to making life run as smoothly as possible. That said, you cannot expect a 4 year old child to make dinner or an infant to quit crying just because you told him too. You can avoid discouragement by setting realistic and clear goals and expectations.

Don’t expect the beds to have military corners, the dishes to be spotless or puzzle pieces never to be lost. We are all human beings and make mistakes. This is a learning ground and as such we all need to be free to learn and change on a daily basis.

LEARN ABOUT CHILD DEVELOPMENT

I have always wondered why child development was not considered a core competency for high school students. If it were done, I think that the next generation of parents would have some ideas of what each age and stage of childhood is about.

Please check out a book at the library or pick one up at a yard sale on the natural stages of child development. It will give you an insight into what most children at each age are able to accomplish physically, emotionally, intellectually and socially. That doesn’t mean that your child won’t be a little behind or a little ahead of the statistics. However, you will be more aware of what he or she is capable of and not be so frustrated.

BE CAREFUL HOW EXPECTATIONS ARE PHRASED

We think in pictures and your child must be able to visualize what you are asking for. When you say to your daughter, “Please be good today when we are visiting Grandma who is very sick.” This leaves the words open to the child’s interpretation. After all what does “good” mean? Didn’t she just have a “good” time playing in the sink or outside with the dog. It is very confusing. If, instead you say “While we are at Grandmas I expect you to play with your toys quietly and ask permission before you touch anything that doesn’t belong to you. Do you have any questions?” you will be painting a much clearer picture in her mind.

ALL CHILDREN ARE UNIQUE

Most parents expect their children to grow steadily in a diagonal line that constantly goes in an onward and upward motion. They want improvement on a steady basis with no backsliding or “I forgot!” The problem is that children don’t grow that way, either physically or in skill building. They grow and develop in spurts and surges. I have heard child rearing described as the ocean tide, where the family moves forward, retreats, move forward again, retreats again, etc. You would tend to get discouraged if you didn’t realize that every time the tide comes in, it comes in a little ahead of where it was before.

Good luck and God Bless. You do the most important work in the world.

1. Tell me something you like about yourself? Help your child to focus on her many strengths.

2. Reinforce the positives. Give praise, recognition, a special privilege or increased
responsibility for a job well done.

3. Define limits and rules clearly. A family council is an excellent place to discuss, explain
and get a sense of ownership to the rules. Discuss what consequences will follow if the
rules are not followed. Don’t have a lot of rules, maybe four or five, but be consistent at
following them.

4. Give your children responsibility to make the house a home. Everyone in the family
should be responsible for some household chores daily. Responsibility makes them feel
valued and part of the team.

5. Don’t re-do their jobs. If you expect perfection, it is too easy for them to quit trying or
else hope that you will step in and “save them” when it gets difficult.

6. Laugh at their jokes and listen attentively when they are talking to you. Being fully
present when you are with your child is the only quality time there is.

7. If they don’t fit in, teach them basic social skills. There are a number of behaviors that
can be learned to help the “left out” child to fit into the group more easily.

8. Show them that what they do is important to you. Talk to them about activities and
interests. Help them to find a hobby or interest that they excel at. Go to their games,
presentations and activities.

9. Help them to set goals. Teach them to break each long-range goal into manageable bites. It is important to succeed at something ever day. Acknowledge your own successes so
they can be more aware of progress they are making.

10. Don’t punish them for telling the truth. Discuss problems without placing blame or
attacking the child’s character. Worry less about “who did this?” and more about
“Let’s get this mess cleaned up.” If a child knows he has made a bad choice but doesn’t
feel attacked, he will feel more secure in trying to find solutions.

11. Create opportunities to give service and to develop tolerance for others with different
values and backgrounds. These experiences can help a child to see himself in reference to
the rest of the world and to be more understanding of the needs of others.

12. Give them opportunities to make decisions. Help them to see that each decision has
pros and cons and may have consequences for themselves and others. If they want to do
something that is clearly harmful, explain why you cannot allow them to act on it.

13. Teach them to deal with money and time wisely. When children are organized and
responsible for their homework and allowance, it breeds self-assurance and personal
responsibility.

14. Be a good role model. Let your children know that you feel good about yourself, but also
teach them by example that mistakes aren’t final but learning experiences.

15. Start and end each day on a positive and loving note. Give lots of hugs, kisses and high
fives. Let them know on a consistent basis that your love is unconditional and that you are
proud of them as a member of the family. You may occasionally be disappointed in their
actions or choices, but will always be available for support.

Just like in the workplace, the clearer the job description and the more input is solicited from the participant, the more ownership is established. If you have ever worked in a workplace where no one knew what their job was day to day and rules were arbitrary, you will recall how chaotic and frustrating it was for everyone.

The following information on structuring a family council has been compiled in part from information contained in The Parent’s Handbook by Dinkmeyer & McKay, as well twenty five years of personal experience.

WHAT IS A FAMILY COUNCIL?

A family council is a regularly scheduled meeting of all family members. Its purpose is to make plans and decisions, to provide encouragement, and to solve problems. It is very much like a team building or staff meeting held in the workplace. Plans and decisions made during a family meeting remain in effect until the next meeting.

FAMILY MEETINGS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITES TO:

o Be heard

o Convey positive feelings about one another

o Give encouragement

o Distribute chores fairly

o Set goals for the family unit and assist in personal goals

o Express concerns, feelings, and complaints

o Settle conflicts and dealing with recurring problems

o Plan family recreation

o Have fun

GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE FAMILY MEETINGS;

o Establish a specific weekly meeting time.

o Rotate chairperson and secretary.

o Establish and stick to time limits.

o Make sure all members have a chance to offer ideas.

o Encourage everyone to bring up issues.

o Don’t permit meetings to become gripe sessions.

o Distribute chores fairly.

o Plan family fun.

o Use your communication skills. Use “I” statements

o Evaluate the meeting.

o Maintain an atmosphere of mutual respect and honesty.

A TYPICAL AGENDA FOR FAMILY MEETINGS

o Share positive feelings about good things that have happened during the week.

o Read and discuss the minutes from the previous meeting.

o Discuss old business. Evaluate how assignments went for the week.

o Bring up new business (focusing on family fun as well as on plans and problems).

o Summarize and evaluate the meeting.

Agreements as well as logical consequences for not following through with assignments should be discussed and agreed upon by the family. All members should be encouraged to participate in family meetings as equals. Family meetings are essential if families want to build strong relationships.

Good luck and God bless. You do the most important work in the world.

What is Play?

The dictionary refers to play as recreation. Recreation is a very significant word in building and sustaining strong families. If you capitalize and hyphenate this important word it becomes Re-Creation. This is exactly what having fun with your family by playing games and sharing activities can do. Playing together can recreate your family. It can revitalize, rejuvenate and inspire with energy, life and laughter. It can offer the whole families another chance to connect on a level that you perhaps are not connecting on right now.

We frequently consider play only as the opposite of work, thus we can only have fun when the work is done. I propose that we incorporate play into work sometimes and other times we spend time re-creating ourselves before or after the chores have been accomplished. It is amazing how energized everyone will be after a game of tag in the yard. You will be astounded at how quickly the dishes get done when everyone knows it is a Monopoly or UNO night.

Use Imagination and energy to have fun

In past generations, kids learned to create fun by using personal resources-imagination and energy. We were outside running, jumping, building and creating for hours and hours. Our play usually ended only when our mothers called us in for dinner or a bath.

Today’s child is generally programmed with a fully scheduled week of lessons and highly competitive adult managed and supervised sports. Any free time is spent passively watching television leaving little opportunity to develop creativity and initiative.

By establishing a time to “play” you are stimulating your children’s creativity and imagination. Children who learn early to take initiative for providing their own entertainment are less likely in the future to depend on artificial stimulants to “turn themselves on.”

Establish a Family Fun Night

Many of us are employed in highly stressful jobs and the list of stress-related illnesses grows daily. The more stressed and cranky we are, the less our children want to be around us. By planning quality time spent just fooling around with our kids, the whole family will come out a winner.

As the characteristics of the family have changed over the years with more mothers working outside the house and fathers expected to play a greater role in the child rearing, it is a perfect opportunity to incorporate with the whole family a special time. But how about the many step-families, one-parent families and transient families who move frequently and live far from extended family? This is a method for creating unity and making the most of time together.

The family unit defines who we are and shapes our character. It is in the family dynamic that we learn the important lessons of self-discipline, the art of compromise, cooperation, forgiveness, honesty and fair play. By sharing activities on a regular basis we can teach by example as well as with verbal and non-verbal clues. There is a sense of safety in learning life skills in the family setting and then incorporating them into the real world. We know we will always be loved, even if we do strike out or make a mistake or look foolish sometimes.

Many children are being raised by the television.

Oh sure, they might have moms and dads who pay the rent, fix the meals, and drive them to sports practice, but essentially they are learning their standards, morals and ethics from a 24 inch box in their bedroom or the family room.

Mary Pittaway, registered dietician who heads up the WIC (Women, Infants and Children) program in our community has said “children spend eight hours sleeping, two hours eating, five hours at school, 6 hours watching TV, less than one hour in physical activity, three hours engaged in other activities and five minutes in meaningful conversation with their parents on any given day.”

Kids who spend too much time in front of a TV or video game are at risk for a great many health concerns, especially type II diabetes, which is skyrocketing among young children. Overweight children are more vulnerable to high blood pressure, gall bladder disease, asthma, and bone and joint problems.

What happens when children don’t have play time?

The most devastating result of inactivity and obesity in our children is an emotional cycle of low self-esteem. The less they like themselves, the less likely they are to participate in sports or be active physically-the very thing that could help them. We can lecture them about the benefits of activity, but they will listen and participate more readily if the whole family is involved and it doesn’t single them or their problem out.

For a free report on “Helping Your Child Fit In” go to my website http://www.ArtichokePress.com. In that report you will find that one of the major problems facing left out kids is the inability to play with others. Many classroom and playground problems of fitting in, being clumsy, perceptual-motor skills, social and emotional inadequacies, may be prevented or lessened by parents developing a time to do movement activities, which means in common language, play with their infants and children on an on-going basis.

Will play help your child succeed in life?

The games and activities you share as a family does not automatically guarantee better communication, healthier bodies and minds or a close-knit family. However, being available, approachable, and willing to step out of your comfort zone will insure a higher chance of children who succeed in life.

All of these activities are just vehicles to bring you and your child into close contact for a period of time where barriers are down and talking and laughing are up. Conversations and meaningful dialog will follow, maybe not right away, but kids recognize that you are willing to relax and spend time with them.

They don’t want you as a pal but they do need you as a friend. Best friends play, laugh and hang out together frequently. They build bonds of loyalty, respect and love that last forever. Playful parenting is more than just fun and games. Come on; let’s go kick the ball around the back yard.

Know your limits. Accept what you can’t change and let go of things out of your control.
Ease your tension. Take a walk; listen to music, splash cold water on your face.
Earn small rewards when you make the choice not to become angry.
Phone a friend. It helps to share your concerns and talk things out.

Your example helps your children learn to handle anger. Be a good role model.
Object to the behavior if necessary, but separate the “deed from the doer.”
Use your kitchen timer for “time out” before disciplining.
Remember that everyone makes mistakes, including you and your children.

Count your breaths. Breathe in deep while counting to four. Breathe out while counting to four. Do four times.
Old tapes in your head may be making your reaction more than it should be. Are you angry because of issues in your childhood?
Out of ideas to handle anger? Consider parenting classes or professional counseling.
Look objectively at the situation. Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Is it really worth having a heart attack or stroke? This too shall pass.

Controlling angry feelings is a skill that children learn from the people who care for them. There are activities which support our development of self-control. Count to twenty, backwards! We all need to find helpful ways to intervene when anger and frustration overwhelms us or our children.

I have included a number of different approaches to discipline that won’t damage the spirit of your precious children, but none will work if you haven’t acknowledged that what you were doing in the past was harmful and that your family deserved a more nurturing environment. I am not a psychologist or a counselor, but I know there are good ones out there who can assist you in shifting your paradigm of discipline to a more loving and respectful relationship.

You owe it to your children and yourself to break the bonds and cycle of abuse and get help. Change is possible; I see it every day in families I work with. You are a good, kind and loving person or you wouldn’t be reading this book and attending these classes, so I encourage you to take the steps that will change the lives of your children and their children.

You can do it. I believe in you.

A list of talking points to help you discipline without damage is listed below.

o The meaning of the word discipline

o Is your love unconditional

o Be both firm and kind in discipline

o Adults also need time out

o Teach them that mistakes are never final

o We all need boundaries

o Consistent does not mean rigid

o Discipline but never punish

o Catch them doing things right

o Teach without anger, shame or blame

o There is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” child

o Issue a warning, but mean it

o Spanking and screaming are not effective teachers

o Eliminate “Who’s at Fault?”

o Be aware of your body and facial language

o Treat each child as an individual

o Be careful of abusive adjectives, they really hurt

o Recognize effort and improvement

o Don’t punish them for telling the truth

o Deal with problems in private, praise in public

o Distinguish between minor mishaps and major problems

o Teach them to forgive and ask for forgiveness

o Be curious not furious-Ask questions