Hello from beautiful Montana:

Conflict is inevitable. As long as we have at least two human beings interacting, we will have at least two opinions on how things should be done. You cannot avoid conflict, but you can control it with confidence and a desire to find peaceful solutions.

Have you ever been drawn into a match of wills at work or home only to find that once you jumped in, you could not find a graceful way out? Maybe you were hoping that the other person would just give up or someone would come along to rescue you.

I have listed some ideas for you to use to rescue yourself. Read and reread and then practice these behaviors and you will see less conflict and more cooperation.

Four Confidence Clues

1. Speak in short sentences. Say what you need to say, but don’t belittle the situation or the other person with long explanations. For instance, instead of saying; “Look you jerk, I worked my tail off preparing that report and all you could do is find one little error and want me to do it over again and I don’t have the time or energy to rework something that is good enough for most people.”  How about saying; “I see the error you are concerned about.”
2. Slow down your emotional response. Your first response is usually knee jerk reaction of revealing all the resentment, anger and justification of your actions.  Your rate of speech will be very rapid and fast.  When we speak rapidly, we often make mistakes or say things that are better left unsaid.  Our mind also races ahead of our ability to think and form our answers. You will want to slow down so that you appear to be rational and mature.
3. Watch your body language. Verbal communication is the language of information. Body or non verbal communication is the language of relationships.  If your arms are crossed and foot is tapping, it sends a defensive signal right away to the other person. If possible, take a few deep breaths, put your shoulders back and put one hand in your pocket and the other hanging loosely at your side.
4. Deepen your voice. Stress and anger can tighten your vocal cords, making your voice come out high and screech like.  This higher pitch sends a message that you are vulnerable and emotionally overwrought.  When you breathe as listed above, you will naturally relax and you will feel and hear a deeper, more confident voice coming out of your mouth.                                                                                                                                                                                                     Your goal is not to avoid conflict, because that is impossible, but to control it with confidence and courage.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.  If you would like to build more confidence in yourself  http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com

You will be glad you made the decision to build your self confidence so you can control conflict in your life.  How have you handled conflict in the past? Has that method worked for you? Leave a comment and let’s start a dialog about controlling conflict with confidence.

Your Friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Conflict is good most of the time. It helps us to see many sides and solutions to a problem. But some types of conflict produces only bad feelings and violent reactions.

Assertive communication can resolve conflicts in a confident manner.

If a situation has elevated beyond a friendly exchange of ideas, then you need to know how to resolve that conflict with confidence and assertive communication.

Besides being either a source of growth or a source of irritation in a family or organisation, conflict is also unavoidable.  As long as there are human beings involved there will be differences of opinions or methods of accomplishing a goal.

Personal and Professional Relationships

Regardless of the type of conflict — a neighbor who allows his dog to run free, your teenager who refuses to keep his curfew, a boss who is demeaning at work or a co-worker who feels free to criticize your religion, it is a daily part of life.

Assertive communication is the only response which will give you the opportunity to resolve the conflict in a win-win method. You will then have a productive outcome rather than hurt feelings, resentment and passive aggressive behavior.

Assertive Behavior Has Clear Boundaries

• Resist the temptation to start the resolution with “you make me… or you said this…” You statements always put the other person in a defensive mode.
• You will get more by defining the conflict in terms of your needs and feelings. Using “I statements” allows you to state your needs. Make the statements in a neutral or calm voice.
• Ask the other person about possible solutions. After you have stated your needs; “I need to know that you will honor your curfew so I don’t worry about you. Help me understand why you are having trouble getting home on time.”
• Don’t be to eager to talk but listen to what the other person says.  Be patient and let the other person formulate an answer. Assertive people are self-confident enough to hear the truth and respect other viewpoints.
• Choose a win-win solution. Conflict is not resolved if you have won and the other has lost. What is a solution that will be fair to all parties?

The question then is not how to avoid conflict, but rather how to manage or resolve it productively.  If you practice  these few techniques, you will be more comfortable and confident in recognizing what you need and deserve from relationships.  You will also have more insight into what others need and deserve from you.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.  If you need more assistance, claim the free e-course at http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com

You will be glad you did.  It can change your life for the better.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Have you ever been yelled at by your boss in front of co-workers? Has your two year old toddler had a melt down at the grocery store? Are you able to set

Assertive means respect the emotional, spiritual and physical boundaries of yourself and others.

boundaries for acceptable behavior from others and still been able to maintain emotional control?

Those who have a solid self image and have worked on their confidence usually have an advantage when it comes to conflicts or confrontations.

Being Assertive Is Not Easy, But Necessary

Those who want to manipulate and embarrass will usually target your feelings and emotions in order to put you on the defense.  This is the same tactics used by bullies on the playground and jerks in the parking lot.  It is a desire on their part to gain power and try to make you feel “less than.”

When we are functioning rationally, we recognize that while we aren’t perfect, we try hard to do a good job and deserve respect. We want to treat others as we would like to be treated, and so work to develop win-win situations.

If you would like assistance in finding the right words and phrases to overcome bullies please see http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com for a free e-course.

Control of Emotions Deflates Explosive Situations

When attacked verbally or manipulated, all humans tend to have a knee-jerk response to confrontation.  It as if only one face, situation, accusation or tantrum is open to our heart, mind and reactions.  When we are being assaulted it is very natural to  lose control or act outside the guidelines and standards of our life.

Set Boundaries When Buttons Are Pushed

Let’s face it, we all lose our cool occasionally or have buttons that others can either knowingly or unknowingly push which cause our emotions to spiral out of control.

There are words, gesture, phrases, situations personality traits and especially body language which trigger our hot buttons.  When those buttons are pushed, or boundaries are crossed, we often retaliate by saying “You made me angry.”  But actually, we choose to be angry.

By establishing boundaries of acceptable behavior you will be able to fall back on assertive tactics and maintain your emotional control.  You will be more comfortable in relationships when you set boundaries that you will not accept.

For instance;

• I will not allow you to yell at me. If you want to talk about the matter in a calm voice, let me know and I will be happy to discuss it further.
• I am sorry you choose to scream in the store. Remember, we talked about using a polite voice. We will go out to the car and maybe try coming back later.
• I am angry about what just happened in the lunchroom.  You may not like me, but you do have to speak to me with respect. Please do not embarrass me in front of others ever again.

You are a strong and valuable person and I am proud of you for working on the skill of setting boundaries and maintaining emotional control in relationships.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Has your shyness and lack of confidence held you back in relationships

Choose today to be more confident and overcome shyness

or on the job?  Do you wish you were more assertive? Would you like to overcome shyness and be more outgoing?  Perhaps I can offer a few encouraging words to assist you in this journey.

Shyness is a Behavior

Many people assume that being shy or being bossy are both in born parts of a baby’s personality. Actually, confidence is a learned skill and practiced behavior.  It is much like learning to play the piano, or ride a bike. It takes some time to develop and incorporate this new skill into your life.

In order to gain self confidence and be more assertive in your life you need a mentor to show you the steps and then you need to practice daily.

When You Know Better You Do Better

If you are not comfortable with how you view yourself, perhaps you need to expand your viewpoint as well as your knowledge base.  If you learn to overcome shyness you will be able to push back the walls of a cubicle as well as your mindset.

Liking and being comfortable with your self image does not happen overnight.  Throughout your life you received some powerful messages about you are from parents, peers and co-workers. But the most powerful influence is your own self-talk and negative thought patterns.

Stop Negative Thinking

Replace the tapes of negative self-talk and replace it with positive thinking and action.  Make a decision to overcome shyness by encouraging yourself with affirmations.  Say yes to yourself and your goals.

You were drawn to this specific article because you are at a crossroads in your life.  You can either continue with actions, behaviors and thoughts  that have not served you well, or you can make a conscious choice to step out of the past and into the future you deserve.

Encourage Yourself With Wise Choice of Words

Instead of…  ”I have always been shy” say “I choose to smile at three new people today.”

Instead of …”I am intimidated by crowds” say “I will find one person and start a conversation with them.”

Instead of …”I am such a loser” say “”I have done at least 20 things right today. I am going to count them.”

Instead of …”I don’t know what to say” consider “I will smile and comment on the weather to a co-worker.”

Building Self Confidence

Overcoming shyness is not an easy task, but it can be done.  I have done it and so can you. I have confidence in you and your dream. Please take these encouraging words and know that I mean them from my heart.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker

PS: If you would like more assistance to build confidence, please see http://www.confidenceclues.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Are you or someone you love overcome with low self esteem? A belief system which implies that you are less than others and not deserving of happiness is not serving you well.  Each one of us is born with a gift or destiny. It is important that you find ways and means to build confidence and raise your self-esteem.

Build Confidence With Positive Affirmations

Our thoughts and belief systems are continually running through our minds.  Are your thoughts mostly positive or negative?  Thoughts are like plants in a garden, when you plant a bean (or positive thought) you get multiples of beans. You will want to plant a series of hope, success, happiness and enthusiasm seeds of positive affirmations.

Affirmations are statements of belief.  Your subconscious does not grade or evaluate them.  It just tries to make the actions of the individual (you) make them come true. The more you repeat a statement, the more the mind will hear the message and  encourage your physical body to follow the encouragement.

Affirmations For High Self-Esteem

• I am a worthy person who treats others and myself with respect.
• I am a successful problem solver and find creative solutions.
• I draw others to me who are kind, thoughtful and helpful.
• I  take care of my body and mind so I can appreciate all my talents.
• I am brave, courageous, and unafraid to change ways and thoughts that are not working for my highest good.

Negative Thoughts and Low Self-Esteem Unwelcome

I have confidence in your ability to encourage a positive attitude and high self-esteem. You can do it.  You are worthy of the respect of your peers, family and friends. Just keep planting positive affirmations in your mind and acting in a confident manner.

If you need assistance, please go to:
http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com

You will be glad you did.

In gratitude,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

This is a time of family togetherness and a lot of different personalities to contend with. If you have been disappointed by strained relationships with members of your family or you anticipate difficult conversations, you may actually create your reality.

Every relationship is different, don’t allow tension or difficulty with one person undermine your intentions.  You have the ability to be a good friend, kind neighbor and loving family member.

Recognize That Your Perceptions Color the Issue

Most relationships come from two different perceptions and basis of knowledge.  We bring into every meeting, not only our current self, but our former experiences and judgments. Each conversation and interaction will be influenced by our behavioral style, self esteem, prejudices, likes, dislikes and information gathered by inference or by talking to others.

Black or White?

As you know, I am a parent educator and a tool I use is a sheet of paper that is black on one side and white on the other.  When I show the black side I ask the audience what color the paper is, they answer loudly “Black.”  Then I turn the paper over and ask what color the paper is and they answer, hesitantly “White.”

It really depends on where you are and what you see when you make a judgement.  The paper is actually both black and white.  It is only a perception and a point of view. If you are looking at one side it is black, the other side is white and can quickly be changed by looking at it from another viewpoint.

Recognize that each relationship is different and that each person is an individual with unique qualities and personality traits.  You don’t have to love or even like someone, but you do need to respect them, if you want to have a working relationship.

In gratitude,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from Montana:

Shyness is an adjective or label imposed by others when they observe someone who does not communicate well and is at unease in social situations. We may label ourselves as “quiet, reticent, unassuming or even self-contained.”

People who are shy in social situations usually do not see it as a problem until someone points it out or draws attention to the behavior.  The perspective of how to look at shyness is interesting, because those who are shy, see only a quiet demeanor.  Observers however, tend to judge the shy person as standoffish, rude, snobby, superior attitude and wants to be left alone.

Starting The  Change From Shy to Confident

It is important for those who consider themselves as quiet or not good at communication to realize that it is okay to be quiet occasionally.  Everyone has periods of  being quiet and also of being confident and outgoing.

If you want to learn to be more confident, especially in social situations, be willing to take a few chances.  One never grows in confident by staying in a comfortable place.  It is only when you step out of your old habits and find a new comfort level that you move toward success.

Practice The Steps To Overcome Shyness

Being shy is not a disease, it is a behavior.  Behaviors can be changed.  Belief systems and negative thoughts can be changed.

Communication is a process of sharing in a relationship. Just by forcing yourself to smile, you will find others more receptive to you and your ideas. The next time it will be easier and easier.

Please commit to starting on the journey to no longer by shy in social situations. For additional support and assistance, please go to:

http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Learning to communicate with those you care about takes a great deal of courage and time. Listening to your family takes courage because you may hear the truth, when you would  prefer an easier and less painful version.  Taking seconds, minutes and hours to listen to your family goes on forever.Time because if you don’t listen to the questions of children when they are two and three, they won’t be sharing conversations with you when they are twelve and thirty three.

Put Up a Billboard Ad and Buy Lots of Gifts To Show Your Love

Actually, this outward manifestations of caring can backfire on family relationships. People don’t care how much you know and show, unless they know how much you care…about them as individuals.

Presents have far less influence in the lives and future of a child, than the gift of presence.  The simple act of truly listening gives value to their thoughts and concerns. Confidence is built when others take our point of view seriously and acknowledge our ideas.

How You Listen More Important Than What You Say

Body language is the communication of relationships. If people have to choose whether to believe what you say or how you looked and made them feel, verbal language will fail every time.

Lean forward, pay attention to your facial expressions and try not to interrupt. What kind of message are you sending if you keep interrupting with a better idea or to downplay their request.

My husband Dwain used to use this technique with our kids; “Tell me why I should say yes?” Then he would listen as they presented their case or talked their thoughts out loud.  Very often they would come to their own conclusions about the merits of their case.  They knew they had been heard, acknowledged and loved.

It is hard to find the time, energy and patience to listen to your family. But I have confidence in you and know that even when you hear the truth, you will be connecting in a real way with those you love best.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote motivational speaker

http://www.ConfidenceClues.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Do you speak the same language as your spouse, children, boss and co-workers?  You may very well be  nodding your head and saying; “Of course, we all speak English or Spanish or French.” You may  understand the words others speak, but do you always get the message they intended? Do others sometimes miss what you are trying to convey in words?

There is a much more universal language and that is the language of love and friendship. Sometimes the words spoken and verbal languages are the least important part of communication.

Body Language

Spoken words are the communication of information and are only integrated and believed about 20% of the time.  Body language is the communication of relationships  and is accepted and believed 80% of the time. If a choice comes between what you say and what you do, people will always believe what you do and how you make them feel.

It is the unspoken facial expression of delight when someone you love comes into view. It is the pat on the back for the teenager to indicate you are on his side. It is warm handshake for a business client. It is smiling at the grocery clerk who is obviously stressed and overwhelmed.

Relationships Need Communication to Grow

For all of us, our communication skills directly relate to how successful we’ll be in the inner personal relationships, both personal and professional.  Learning to respect others unconditionally will help us to connect on a spiritual level.

You don’t need to like what others say and do, but you do need to respect their right to be who they are.  Our souls are all connected, and by communicating with the language of love, we will be able to understand those who are struggling to speak “our language of love.”

Your friend and supporter,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote motivational speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Every Relationship is Different

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