Ask Auntie Artichoke

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Not only in Montana, but all over the world today children and teens are dreading the lunch bell.  Why?  Because they know that they will be teased, tormented and bullied when they are in a common area with other kids. Harsh and ugly words and phrases are hurled at the  child and usually in the presence of classmates, which is embarrassing. There are usually power struggles for “Queen Bees” and the “Wannabees” in girls and the “Alpha Male” in the boys. Teasing and  trading insults may be a way of getting acquainted or finding the group of friends who are friendly to the child.

Friendly and Unfriendly Teasing

If a child’s self esteem in grade school is dependent on relationships with peers, they need to learn to not take every remark as a personal insult.  Hopefully, you and your child can understand that teasing can be friendly or unfriendly.  Even saying a phrase like “Hello” or “Get out of here” can take on many different meaning with a change in tone of voice and body language.

Most communication is non verbal and so the child has to pay attention to not only what the other children say but how they say it.

Verbal Language is Exchange of Information

The words and greetings exchanged on the playground can often depend more on the mood and experiences of the speaker than on the one being addressed.  However, people in general and children in particular, tend to personalize anything that is said.  Helping them to interpret words and gestures to understand what the intent is behind the words.

Non Verbal Language is Communication of Relationships

Most emotional and relationship connecting people is nonverbal. So to understand other people the ability to read body language is huge.  Some children, because of their difficulty in reading other people’s cues (especially in groups) need to practice and role play interacting with others. Children also need to have confidence in their ability to like and be liked by other people.

Teasing on the playground will be easier to  interpret  by children who have gained some understanding that relationships bring pleasure and belonging along with the flip side of disappointment and frustration. Here are some non verbal cue and clues to help them:

Clues for Unfriendly and Friendly Teasing

Hostile facial expression                  Smiling facial expression

Sarcastic tone of voice                     Joking tone of voice

Fists, Arms crossed                           Hands open

“In your face”                                      Standing next to child being teased

Encourage Your Child To Problem Solve

When the child complains that they are being teased with hurtful words, the parents naturally feel the hurt as much or more than the child does. Be careful that you are not setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Teach them the skills they will need to help themselves. If  you would like assistance in encouraging your child, please go to:

http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

In support and joy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Help your kids to assume personal responsibility for their feelings and emotions.   You will always be grateful and so will they.

PSS:   Be sure to take a look at this    http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

Words have power. Power to hurt. Power to heal. And especially the power to build relationships with  family members. If you want  to encourage  communication with the family be careful of the word power you have.

Communication is More Than Just Speaking

Parents and teachers who hope to communicate successfully with children and adolescents need to have a clear understanding that talking is more than just giving orders or criticizing.

True communication is exchanging of thoughts, messages, wishes and ideas.  It is based on mutual respect and listening skills.  When we pay attention to the verbal words as well as the non verbal body language, the chances are much greater that will have a dialog rather than an argument.

Body Language is Communication of Relationships

A verbal exchange of words is the basis for sharing information.  However, it is the body signals, facial expression and tone of voice that will encourage communication with family.

The child or teenager may give you non verbal clues when they are upset or need your full attention.  Watch for the word power as well as the body language to understand the needs of your family.

Listening To Words or Hearing Words

There is a big difference between listening and actually hearing what is being said and understood.  Many family members listen to one another but don’t really listen to the unsaid message.

Successful communication involves the senses, faculties  and attention of both parties.  If you think your child is not hearing you, you may want to double check without criticizing.  Perhaps you can ask the child what he understood you to say.

When using word power make sure you are saying things clearly, directly and firmly so there will be mistakes in what was said and what was heard.  To encourage communication with your family, be sure to listen as much or more than you speak. Watch for subtle clues about what else they want to share.

You can do it. I have confidence in you. I also invite you to go to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com to claim your free eBook    on           Self Confidence.

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

For many people, the mere idea of social situations and conversations through them into anxiety. Just the thoughts of beginning a conversation with a stranger, or co-worker, can bring out latent inferior feelings and lack of confidence.

I have gathered 5 tips to help you feel more confident when connecting with other people. Try to incorporate them in a situation that feels comfortable for you, and soon you will see yourself having confidence in conversations with more and varied people.

1. Smile. Did you know that you cannot physically smile and still think negative thoughts?  Try it.  You don’t have to grin like a cat,  or freeze  a smile on your face,but do turn the corners of your lips up and look approachable.
2. Approach someone standing or setting alone. Instead of focusing on your own feelings of anxiety, you can make a polite comment (May I join you?) introduce yourself (I am Judy H. Wright from Montana)
3. Ask an open ended question that requires more than just a yes or no answer (tell me about where you grew up or what do you enjoy doing in your spare time) Asking questions is a great way of saying “I am interested in you. I want to get to know you.”
4. Listen to the answers and talk about what the other person is interested in.  During a conversation, you will get lots of clues about what the other person thinks is important. If it is someone that you don’t know, take a cue from what they are wearing. ask them about a ring or bracelet they are wearing, did they make it, was it a gift or maybe even does the stone has a significant meaning for them?
5. Make sure your body languages is open and approachable instead of closed, defensive and off putting.  Verbal communication is sharing of information and people only remember or respond to about 20%. Body language, tone of voice and facial expression are much more important and account for 80% of understanding.  Non verbal language is the communication of relationships.

Listening carefully, asking good questions, making eye contact and smiling are all necessary to start and continue conversations.  Don’t worry if occasionally there is a silence, just relax and another subject will come up naturally.

You may not always be at ease in social situations, but the more you practice and try, the more confident you will be in your ability to carry on conversations with anyone.

So smile and ask me some questions.

In friendship and gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  be sure to check out http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a more detailed look at building self confidence.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

I promise I will get back to organizational tips tomorrow, but today I need to discuss a subject that have many parents and kids nervous.  Going back to school and finding friends.

Making friends is a skill, just like playing the piano or riding a bike.

Skills can be learned and behaviors can be changed.  New habits can be formed.  Different responses can become automatic action if they are practiced on a consistent basis.

While it may require more effort for some people to be comfortable in groups or to read body language, it can be done.  Especially, if the child is willing to practice this new skill and knows she has your support and encouragement.

Remind her of her positive qualities

Encourage your child’s  efforts to get along with peer and to find a friend, even when it appears that such attempt are not meeting with success. Another reminder is that making just the right friend for her may take some time and not to give up. 

Help her to see what she has to offer as a friend. 

For example, you might say: “I really appreciate it when my friends call me and invite me places.  It makes me feel welcome and accepted.  Even on the times when I am not able to go, it still feel good to know they thought of me.  That is why I treat them with kindness and respect, because that is how I want to be treated.”

If you would like more information on helping your child or you make friends, please go to hhtp://www.The LeftOutChild.com     I also lead a free teleclass on this and many other family relationship subjects each Thursday.  You may register for any or all of the calls at http://www.ArtichokePress.com

We would like to have you in the community of support and friendship.

Love,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author