Auntie Artichoke suggests you find ways to connect to step children that make them feel special.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

It is important that it takes time, effort and a great deal of patience to blend two families.  Just because the adults have gone through a marriage ceremony or feel committed to each other, it does not automatically blend personalities, experiences and expectations. Children in step families have a number of emotions that come into play when a non-parent suddenly enters the picture.

Life during the courtship period is frequently unrealistic as well as confusing. Daily life takes teamwork and cooperation to make a house a home. You may not be the natural Daddy or the Daddy they wanted, but you do deserve respect. Respect is earned and does not come automatically.

Step families Are Special

Parenting is hard enough in the first place and children love to test the limits of our patience and skills. Please remember that the children did not ask to be in this position and are understandably concerned and trying to work out the relationships in their own minds.

The child may have been in a position where the mother’s boyfriend gave him treats or special attention in order to win the affections of both mother and child.  Now, in a day-to-day experience it takes a lot of give and take to make the family work, and rewards are not forthcoming for just being there. Generally speaking, the premarital adult-child relationships may be confusing for mature adults as well as children.

Regular Family Meetings

The most successful families I have worked with have always had a regular family meeting or round-table weekly.  This enables all members of the blended family to discuss issues, set goals and clarify situations.  These meetings, which allow both parents and children to participate and become empowered.  Held on a weekly basis, many small problems can be solved before they become large ones.

Discussing problems and expectations on a regular basis allows everyone to feel part of the team.  Make sure that you and your spouse are united on goals for the family and that you show respect and kindness to each other and the children. A good parenting plan includes all responsible adults.

You Are Not My Daddy

One of the main issues of step parenting is to do your level best to respect and honor the relationship the child has with the biological parent, but still offering love and attention. Talk about the biological parent in positive or neutral terms.  If you speak negatively about the parent, the child will feel defensive, guilty and as if he too was being judged harshly.

If the biological or “real daddy” was negligent or a poor parent, your job is to empathize with the child. As you demonstrate that you are going to be a permanent, but loving part of the child’s life, there will be less and less power struggles.

Kids, Chores and More

As you work with the blended or step-family be sure to teach respect and responsibility as life skills. You will find information on Family meetings, appropriate expectations and fun activities to blend your family.

Good Luck.  You do an important job.

Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

Help your children learn self soothing techniques when they are upset.

Hello from beautiful Montana,

When you have a headache do you rub your temples or push hard with your index finger between your eyes? How about when you were upset, did you hold your belly or hug yourself tightly? Do you rub your neck when other people are literally giving you “a pain in the neck?”

If so, you are doing what comes naturally, but has been called the Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT for short. EFT is a soothing technique that releases feelings of stress, anger and buried resentment.  Why wouldn’t you want to teach your child to find ways to break negative thought patterns and become calm?

Self Soothing and Self Care

Dr. Terry Brazelton, author of TouchPoints says one of the most important coping skills we can teach ourselves and our children is how to take care of yourself when you are upset or stressed.  Many adults head for food, alcohol, or drugs when life gets sticky, mainly because we have not developed other coping skills.

We can help children learn techniques of self-soothing so they do not turn to detrimental things like  out of control anger, misuse  of drugs and alcohol and defiant behavior.  No one likes the feeling of being out of control.  We can empower our children to take care of their needs with simple strategies that do not depend on outside sources.  EFT is  a soothing and easy to use technique that releases feelings of stress by rubbing or tapping  acupressure points in order to balance your energy.

Why Massage Feels So Good

We are electrical beings with many electromagnetic fields in the body. Our physical body, which we can see and touch and our energy body which we cannot see.  Positive and negative thoughts and belief systems have electrical charges.  When you are stressed, these electrical charges can get stuck and out of balance.

You may find spots on your body that are tender when you get a massage. Perhaps you didn’t even realize they were sore until they were rubbed.  It feels good to release those knots of tension and move your muscles more freely.

Tapping on Emotional Bumps

Tapping while you think about what upsets you helps smooth out those too-much and too-little energy places.  When you tap you release the energy so it can flow more smoothly. Breathing and talking about your feelings helps to let them go. Deep breathing goes past the rib cage down into the belly and helps create relaxation.

Emotional Freedom Technique is very effective and can be taught easily to children and will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

I am preparing a special report on using EFT for children, so be sure to check back often to get up to date information that will assist you and your family to gain the necessary skills for a happy life.

In gratitude,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com