Ask Auntie Artichoke

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Not only in Montana, but all over the world today children and teens are dreading the lunch bell.  Why?  Because they know that they will be teased, tormented and bullied when they are in a common area with other kids. Harsh and ugly words and phrases are hurled at the  child and usually in the presence of classmates, which is embarrassing. There are usually power struggles for “Queen Bees” and the “Wannabees” in girls and the “Alpha Male” in the boys. Teasing and  trading insults may be a way of getting acquainted or finding the group of friends who are friendly to the child.

Friendly and Unfriendly Teasing

If a child’s self esteem in grade school is dependent on relationships with peers, they need to learn to not take every remark as a personal insult.  Hopefully, you and your child can understand that teasing can be friendly or unfriendly.  Even saying a phrase like “Hello” or “Get out of here” can take on many different meaning with a change in tone of voice and body language.

Most communication is non verbal and so the child has to pay attention to not only what the other children say but how they say it.

Verbal Language is Exchange of Information

The words and greetings exchanged on the playground can often depend more on the mood and experiences of the speaker than on the one being addressed.  However, people in general and children in particular, tend to personalize anything that is said.  Helping them to interpret words and gestures to understand what the intent is behind the words.

Non Verbal Language is Communication of Relationships

Most emotional and relationship connecting people is nonverbal. So to understand other people the ability to read body language is huge.  Some children, because of their difficulty in reading other people’s cues (especially in groups) need to practice and role play interacting with others. Children also need to have confidence in their ability to like and be liked by other people.

Teasing on the playground will be easier to  interpret  by children who have gained some understanding that relationships bring pleasure and belonging along with the flip side of disappointment and frustration. Here are some non verbal cue and clues to help them:

Clues for Unfriendly and Friendly Teasing

Hostile facial expression                  Smiling facial expression

Sarcastic tone of voice                     Joking tone of voice

Fists, Arms crossed                           Hands open

“In your face”                                      Standing next to child being teased

Encourage Your Child To Problem Solve

When the child complains that they are being teased with hurtful words, the parents naturally feel the hurt as much or more than the child does. Be careful that you are not setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Teach them the skills they will need to help themselves. If  you would like assistance in encouraging your child, please go to:

http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

In support and joy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Help your kids to assume personal responsibility for their feelings and emotions.   You will always be grateful and so will they.

PSS:   Be sure to take a look at this    http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Body Language is the communication of relationships.  Verbal language is the communication of information and is really only processed and remembered about 20% of the time. Model confidence in your posture, gestures, facial expressions and approachability and you will gain friends and influence people.

Model Confidence of Others

One of the best ways to learn a new skill or behavior is to watch someone else demonstrate that behavior.  This is especially true if the person you are modeling is someone you admire.

So watch how they greet others, do they extend the hand of friendship or stand against the wall?  Do they take a seat near the front of the room and join in the conversation or sit in the back of the room and try not to be noticed?

Confident body language is about being comfortable in your own skin. It is about making others feel comfortable to be around you.

I like to say confidence is walking into a room and saying “Here I am, what can I do to help?”  It is not about ego or pride, but rather about self-esteem and self-efficacy, which is how you use your confidence for the good of others.

Rehearse Confidence

Knowing what to do in difficult situations can make a person feel more competent, comfortable and in control.  You would not learn to ski by jumping off the top of a mountain, and you will not learn the skill of confidence in one lesson.

You will learn more easily if you watch and model your mannerisms, body language and confidence one step at a time.

How does the leader of the group stand? Is he or she standing with feel a little apart, shoulders back and arms either at the side or making small gestures?  Then you can do that. Practice this skill and you will find yourself more and more comfortable.

Smile at Others

Watch how your mentor smiles and follow the example.  Try smiling with your whole face and watch how others will be drawn to you.

Your body language will soon begin to model confidence in yourself and your surroundings.

If you enjoyed this article you will want to go to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a wonderful book filled with methods to increase your confidence, friends and opportunities for a more positive life experience.  You will feel it was written just for you. And it was.

Model the positive body language of others and become more confident

For many people, the mere idea of social situations and conversations through them into anxiety. Just the thoughts of beginning a conversation with a stranger, or co-worker, can bring out latent inferior feelings and lack of confidence.

I have gathered 5 tips to help you feel more confident when connecting with other people. Try to incorporate them in a situation that feels comfortable for you, and soon you will see yourself having confidence in conversations with more and varied people.

1. Smile. Did you know that you cannot physically smile and still think negative thoughts?  Try it.  You don’t have to grin like a cat,  or freeze  a smile on your face,but do turn the corners of your lips up and look approachable.
2. Approach someone standing or setting alone. Instead of focusing on your own feelings of anxiety, you can make a polite comment (May I join you?) introduce yourself (I am Judy H. Wright from Montana)
3. Ask an open ended question that requires more than just a yes or no answer (tell me about where you grew up or what do you enjoy doing in your spare time) Asking questions is a great way of saying “I am interested in you. I want to get to know you.”
4. Listen to the answers and talk about what the other person is interested in.  During a conversation, you will get lots of clues about what the other person thinks is important. If it is someone that you don’t know, take a cue from what they are wearing. ask them about a ring or bracelet they are wearing, did they make it, was it a gift or maybe even does the stone has a significant meaning for them?
5. Make sure your body languages is open and approachable instead of closed, defensive and off putting.  Verbal communication is sharing of information and people only remember or respond to about 20%. Body language, tone of voice and facial expression are much more important and account for 80% of understanding.  Non verbal language is the communication of relationships.

Listening carefully, asking good questions, making eye contact and smiling are all necessary to start and continue conversations.  Don’t worry if occasionally there is a silence, just relax and another subject will come up naturally.

You may not always be at ease in social situations, but the more you practice and try, the more confident you will be in your ability to carry on conversations with anyone.

So smile and ask me some questions.

In friendship and gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  be sure to check out http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com for a more detailed look at building self confidence.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

As parents and children are preparing for back to school sales and worrying about what jeans are "in" this year, I want to remind you that I do Confidence Coaching. Please consider hiring me to help your child make this year the best one ever.

So here is what I offer:

• Once a week private phone coaching session with a non judgmental, supportive Auntie and your child (between ages of 8 and 18)
• Once a month over the phone or webinar mastermind session with other kids in the same age group.
• A copy of my workbook Building Self Confidence and the eBook Use Encouraging Words.
• twice a week emails and following on Twitter or text

Here is What it Will Do For Your Young Adult:
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• Give them a coach in their corner who is not micro-managing their life.
• Knowledge that I am a "safe" person and friend. Their confidentiality will never be broken (unless they are in danger.)
• Teach them skills and techniques for making friends, getting organized, liking themselves and communicating with parents, teachers and playground politics.
• Give them an opportunity to relax and know there is no grade or pressure to perform, just a sounding board and guiding hand at helping them make their own choices and increase self esteem.
• Help them set up an Action Plan for the school year and beyond.

Here is What I Want You To Do Next:

• Talk it over as a family and decide how much it would mean to have a successful year without the stresses of previous years.
• All successful athletes, musicians and actors have coaches. I will provide the guidance, the young adult will provide the practice and follow through.
• Have the young adult phone me (set up an appointment at Judy@ArtichokePress.com) to see if they would like to have me coach them in some skills for success.
• Have the parents call me and discuss how much of the fee ($40.00 a session or $150.00 a month) the young adult will pay and how much you will pay.
• Understand that the contract to coach is between the young adult and myself, unless you, as parents would like family  relationship coaching.

If you need more information, call me at 406-549-9813 or email Judy@ArtichokePress.com

With best wishes,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com
http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com