3 Self-Esteem and Confidence Messages

© Judy Helm Wright http://www.judyhwright.com

Self-esteem and confidence is the most important contribution that a parent or loving adult can make to the life of a child.  The messages received in childhood can build or destroy the self-esteem of a child and they carry over into all interactions as an adult.

Self-esteem and self-confidence are the foundation on which most other personality traits rest and will do more to determine a child’s future than any other single factor.  No matter what economic status, culture or family dynamics are present in childhood, nurturing loved ones have the greatest impact on future life.

3 Tips to Share a Message of High Self-Esteem;

1. Help Them Be Attractive. Although we don’t want to emphasis looks too much, it is a fact of life that others are drawn to those that are attractive and well groomed.  Does that mean that you should have plastic surgery on your daughter’s big ears?  Absolutely not. It means that if she is self-conscious about it, then you can help her choose a flattering haircut.

Help them fit in, with fashion of their friends. This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.

1. Make eye contact. Poet Mayo Angelou says “Your eyes should light up when your child comes in the room.”  Without realizing it, we use eye contact as a primary means of conveying love, especially to children.  A child uses eye contact with his parents and care givers to feed emotionally.  The more the adults make eye contact with the child as a means of expressing their love and bonding with them, the more the child is nourished emotionally.
2. Practice Kindness and Compassion. We think of self-esteem in terms of empowerment, confidence,
   

   Self-confidence and self-esteem are built when caring adults and parents take time to give positive message of encouragment and love.

   courage and bravery.  Kindness and compassion have a softer side and so we don’t teach these characteristics as often by lecture, but rather by example and modeling. Use encouraging words in dealing with the spirits of those you love and those you come in contact with on a daily basis. Being kind is a very powerful way to make a positive difference in the world and to reflect in the gratitude of others.

Self-Awareness Quiz

• Do you recall the self-esteem messages you received from adults when you were a child?
• Did those messages build high self-esteem and confidence or did they humiliate and demean you?
• Do you use encouraging words in personal communication to build the self-esteem and confidence of others, including children? You will want to claim your free eBook at http://www.useencouragingwords.com

Ernest Hemingway once said: “The world breaks everyone. and afterward ,many are strong in the broken places.”

When we are going through adversity, it is not always possible to believe that everyone suffers loss and heartache.  It feels and acts very personal when bad luck and rotten life experiences happen to good people.

Our first response is “Why Me?“  We may question whether we did something to deserve this punishment or trouble. We may feel resentment for others who are not suffering and question why trouble did not choose them.  We may even add up all the bad, selfish and dishonest things a certain friend or acquaintance has done and yet still has good health and a big bank account.

It’s Not Fair

Life isn’t fair.  As a mother of six children I tried to hard at Christmas time to make the gifts come out even for everyone.  No matter how many times I counted and then made lists and then recounted, on Christmas morning during the bedlam of presents, paper and toys, I would realize it hadn’t been fair.  Someone had gotten a watch worth twenty dollars and someone had gotten a bracelet worth three dollars.  Some one had gotten the exact doll she wanted and someone else got the one that was in style last year.

We finally decided to recognize and joke that no matter what we did, it was never going to come out even.  But the joy was that  you knew that the chances were good that one day it would be your turn to get exactly what you wanted.  We would often recite the battle cry of large families and pre-schools around the world; “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.”

Luck or Life

Life is filled with luck and also filled with change and chance.  As Ernest Hemingway said earlier, we all get broken in some way and it is the broken places that make us strong.

Bad Luck is described as unforeseen occurrence, happenstance and yet good luck is described as prosperity, wealth, windfall, success, advantage, profit and triumph, happiness and blessings.  It is often from the luck that the opportunities for growth and development come to us.  When we take the chance to growth through loss, grief and adversity, we will become stronger and more resilient.  I know this is true, because I have experienced in my own life and the lives of countless friends and family.

Questions To Think About

1. Do you consider yourself lucky or unlucky?  Why?
2. Have you ever said “That’s not fair.” Why?
3. What do you think about when bad things happen to you?
4. Can you look back in your life and recognize how a certain situation helped you to grow personally and spiritually?

You are a good person and have been drawn to this information for a reason.  I have confidence in you and your ability to have a good life for you and your loved ones.  If you would like assistance in living a balanced life  please go to

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  You will want to claim your books, articles and telecasts at

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

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Hello from beautiful Montana:

Would you like to build confidence in your parenting skills? Do you sometimes wonder if your family relationships are on a roller coaster. One day the kids seem responsible, kind and thoughtful individuals and the next they disrespectful, defiant and rude. They push against the rules and boundaries and try your patience.

Don’t Be Discouraged, Be Consistent

We tend to think that teaching and discipline is like a diagonal line on a graph moving onward and upward.  However, raising responsible children is more like the ocean tide.  We move forward, we retreat, move forward once more, fall back.  But we are always there.

The falling back and regrouping our strength and power can be discouraging to parents. The way to think about it is to envision the incoming tide.  Then you can more easily see that after a falling back comes the moving forward. Each time we do that we are a little ahead of where we were previously.

There Are No Perfect Families

As humans, we tend to see ourselves at our worst and others at their best. Comparing our children, ourself or our situation with others will only lead to discouragement. Each family has unique problems and different battles to win. Look at your efforts and family with a loving attitude and a forgiving heart.

Understand that your children are not the symbol of your success in life. You can suggest, influence and give tools for improvement but you can never force another human being to change.  Accepting others where they are is a basic principle for personal growth and self improvement in family relationships.

The only real tool in our parenting backpack to encourage positive action in our family which we have direct access is our own behavior. Children will be more willing to change and adapt more responsible attitudes when they see the important adults in their life assuming personal responsibility.

Consistent Guidelines and Unconditional Love

Once parents understand and grasp the notion that by changing our own behavior we can influence the unacceptable behavior, life gets much easier.

Like the tide ever moving towards the shore it has consistent actions. We can count on it ebbing and flowing. We want to be consistent in our expectations so the family knows what the boundaries are.  Children need to know  you will always love them unconditionally but may not approve of their actions.

As we encourage and support their positive actions and help them to understand the consequences for crossing the boundaries, they are better equipped to self govern.

Our love for our family and for ourself should not be dependent on behavior, but rather unconditional and never ending.

I have confidence in you that you will make wise choices for your family. You will learn new and more effective  parenting skills and incorporate them in your life.

If you need additional assistance in order to build confidence in your parenting skills, you are invited to go to:

http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

You will be glad you did.

In confidence,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS: You will also want to check out
http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

As caring adults(either by DNA or friendship) we want to create a safe and nurturing space in order to build strong family relationships.  We also want the kind of  family relationship  where each child is a connected child within the family.

Here are a few ideas we have used in our family and have been suggested by other close families in my parenting classes.  Use these ideas as springboards to decide what can enhance the relationships and build a strong family.

1. Create an  home environment where feelings can be shared This means that we give names to our emotions and not just feel mad, sad and glad.  Even anger is an appropriate emotion at times.  We need to continually be learning methods of expressing feelings without hurting others.
2. Spend Time with the Kids The idea of quality time is over used.  What kids want is just your time. They want you there completely when you are there. If you can only spare 15 minutes to play Candy Land, then be present for the whole time.  Be involved in their activities with them.
3. Be Open and Approachable With All Members of the Family Make an effort to be nonjudgmental and to listen to all sides of the story.  Many parents just want to be “right.”  For every situation there are at least five solutions so listen to your kids, they may teach you something.
4. Let The Family Know That Love is Unconditional You may be disappointed at what they did, but are never disappointed with them as individuals.  Make sure everyone knows that your emotional support and love are not tied to accomplishments, looks or achievements.  We love each other in spite of…not because of.

Good luck in building strong family relationships.  Trust me it is worth the effort to bind your tribe, family and group into a solid foundation of love and support.

I have confidence in you.  If you would like more information on raising responsible children please go to:

http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

Fondly,  Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Problem Kids  or Parent Training. Much like the age old question of which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  Many of the parents I see in my work as a family relationship author and trainer are not confident of their parenting skills and the children can sense their insecurity.

Those insecurities may stem from lack of role models in their youth, or that they want to over compensate for what they perceive are lacks in the family structure. They may feel that since there is divorce, financial problems, adhd or other problems, it is easier to let the children get away with being angry, spoiled and demanding.

Angry children make life miserable for everyone

Parents are Teachers not Friends

Perhaps it may be easier short term to allow the kids to be in control or disrespectful, but it will cause multiple life problems for everyone if it is not curtailed.

Parents are sometimes hesitant to talk about child behavior issues for fear of being judged by others. Many are not aware that most schools and many churches offer free or low cost parent training.

Children Need Consistent Boundaries

We all learn and behave better when we know what is expected of us and what is not going to be tolerated.  When parents meet together in groups and discuss behavior issues, they will find clues, tips and ideas from other families and the leader of the class.

Parent training is not so much about what you are doing wrong, but on reclaiming your power and understanding how to work with your children to achieve a more cooperative home.

Empowered Parents – Well Behaved Kids

As you discover more ways to work together with respect, you may actually see your child reacting with anger and resistance.  Stick to your guns. You are the parent and as the child sees that you are willing to change and grow in new ways, he or she will pick up on your behavior.

Change will not occur overnight and it may be a two steps forward, three steps back journey to a peaceful home.  Give yourself some “atta – boys” for recognizing that what your family has done in the past needs to adjust and shift in order for problem kids to turn into peaceful partners towards a more respectful relationship. You will also want to use some encouraging phrases on the family to keep moving forward.

I encourage you to go to http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com to claim your free eBook on effective communications.  You will be glad you did.

You will also want to check out this site if your problem kids are a danger to themselves or         others http://mytt.us/qkmsfhty The program is guaranteed and can transform your family.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

I wanted to add a small note on this today, because someone stopped me at a lecture last night and asked;

“Every time we go in to a store, my child begs for candy or a treat.  I don’t have money for that and I end up feeling resentful and angry at him for whining and at myself for  giving in.  What should I do?”

My question to her was “Do you tell him before you go shopping what he can and can’t have and how you expect him to behave?  Or do you wait till you are in the middle of a stressful situation to try to teach him?”

Define the Boundaries Before Enforcing Them

The most important step in disciple is to establish reasonable expectations and determine boundaries in advance not during the stressful situation. Define what you mean when you say “be good.”  Many parents expect the children to know what “Be nice” “Don’t whine” “Be patient” means. 

You need to be specific so the child can grasp not only the meaning of the word but what consequences are for acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

“We are only going to get the things that are on our shopping list today, so please don’t ask for a toy. However, you may take one of your favorite little toys to play with in the cart and if you play quietly while I shop, we will have a Popsicle together when we get home.”

What is Acceptable Behavior

A child should know what is and what is not acceptable behavior before something comes up. He cannot be held responsible for rules and boundaries if he did not know what he was supposed to do.

Be firm, but kind in your discipline.  You are teaching responsible behavior and delayed gratification as well as money management. Don’t become angry or say mean things to either the child or yourself.

Simply state the rules and be consistent.  You can do it. This is a teaching moment and the lesson is a thousand times more valuable than the trinket.

For more information on raising responsible children please go to http://www.ResponsibleChildren.com for an eBook and bonus items which will help you.

You will also want to check out http://www.ArtichokePress.com for the free teleclass every Thursday on some aspect of family relationships.  There is bound to be one that is created just for you.

Love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author