Auntie Artichoke suggests you find ways to connect to step children that make them feel special.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

It is important that it takes time, effort and a great deal of patience to blend two families.  Just because the adults have gone through a marriage ceremony or feel committed to each other, it does not automatically blend personalities, experiences and expectations. Children in step families have a number of emotions that come into play when a non-parent suddenly enters the picture.

Life during the courtship period is frequently unrealistic as well as confusing. Daily life takes teamwork and cooperation to make a house a home. You may not be the natural Daddy or the Daddy they wanted, but you do deserve respect. Respect is earned and does not come automatically.

Step families Are Special

Parenting is hard enough in the first place and children love to test the limits of our patience and skills. Please remember that the children did not ask to be in this position and are understandably concerned and trying to work out the relationships in their own minds.

The child may have been in a position where the mother’s boyfriend gave him treats or special attention in order to win the affections of both mother and child.  Now, in a day-to-day experience it takes a lot of give and take to make the family work, and rewards are not forthcoming for just being there. Generally speaking, the premarital adult-child relationships may be confusing for mature adults as well as children.

Regular Family Meetings

The most successful families I have worked with have always had a regular family meeting or round-table weekly.  This enables all members of the blended family to discuss issues, set goals and clarify situations.  These meetings, which allow both parents and children to participate and become empowered.  Held on a weekly basis, many small problems can be solved before they become large ones.

Discussing problems and expectations on a regular basis allows everyone to feel part of the team.  Make sure that you and your spouse are united on goals for the family and that you show respect and kindness to each other and the children. A good parenting plan includes all responsible adults.

You Are Not My Daddy

One of the main issues of step parenting is to do your level best to respect and honor the relationship the child has with the biological parent, but still offering love and attention. Talk about the biological parent in positive or neutral terms.  If you speak negatively about the parent, the child will feel defensive, guilty and as if he too was being judged harshly.

If the biological or “real daddy” was negligent or a poor parent, your job is to empathize with the child. As you demonstrate that you are going to be a permanent, but loving part of the child’s life, there will be less and less power struggles.

Kids, Chores and More

As you work with the blended or step-family be sure to teach respect and responsibility as life skills. You will find information on Family meetings, appropriate expectations and fun activities to blend your family.

Good Luck.  You do an important job.

Judy H Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

We recently showed a rental property to a family searching for adequate and affordable housing. The mother turned to the child and said “what do you think darling, should we rent this house.”  The child shook his head and yelled NO at the top of his lungs.

Of course that is what most two year old children do. I was grateful they took the advice of their child (gimmee a break, people) and decided to keep looking.  It was pretty evident who wore the pants or diapers in that family.

Responsibility of Parent is to Lead

Many parents try too hard to be friends with their children rather than parents to them.  It is good to have a family where all members can be heard and acknowledged, but the parents job is to lead, teach and guide children.

It is actually scary to a child to realize that the power has shifted and he is in charge of the situation.  He, rightfully so, expects the adults to protect him and keep him safe. Firm, kind and loving discipline may not always seem like the most popular parental obligation. However, it is much more important to the child’s development than having another buddy to play with.

Children Should Challenge Authority

It is perfectly normal child development to test the limits, push the buttons and challenge authority.  Our job as parents and caring adults is to establish boundaries and assist them in learning personal responsibility.  The best lessons are learned through natural or logical consequences.

Assume Parental Leadership

The most secure children and confident adults have parents who recognized that family life was not a popularity contest but they were loved and protected.

You can’t lead and guide a child’s development by seeking his approval constantly.  You don’t want to say “Sweetheart, are you ready for bed?  It’s time for beddy by, okay?    You are opening up for arguing, whining and negotiation.

Instead simply make an announcement “It’s time for bed.”

I am excited to offer you a ten part e-course on raising responsible children free! I have taken the series and was so impressed I wanted to share with you. All you need to do is click http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

and a new lesson will come to your email box each day.

Have a great day with your children and remember you are the parent.

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: Here is the site again for the free e-course on responsible children http://www.disciplineyespunishno.com