Why won’t my kid behave? What makes him so angry? How can I control his angry behavior? Why is his behavior rude and obnoxious? How can we teach respect and responsibility? Are all kids his age lazy?  What am I doing wrong?

Difficult Child or Child Having Difficult Day?

These are common questions that come up in parenting classes I teach and attend.    One of the biggest concerns of parents, teachers and care givers is how to get their kids to behave.  I know this for a fact, because my husband and I have six adult children, foster children and now grandchildren.  We see them with eyes of love and tolerance but are also aware that some children are more “high maintenance”  than others.

Labels Become Self Fulfilling Prophecies

There are many labels that adults put on children who do not immediately obey instructions. some are called ADD, ADDHD, Extreme kids, Indigo Child, Star Children and I have even heard them revered to as spoiled brats.  The problem with labels, titles and roles is that children soon begin to be that which they are called.  If they are seen as difficult, they will continue to be difficult.

Encouragement Toward Positive Goals

Although we may want and desire our children to automatically know what to do and say that will please us and society, life doesn’t work that way.  We must believe in our children if they are to believe in themselves.  In order to feel adequate and accepted, children need frequent encouragement.  A cooperative relationship depends on how children feel about themselves and their place in the world.

Although adults and other important people  do not cause children to misbehave, we can reinforce and encourage their misbehavior without being aware of what our expectations are for the child.  The child may be unaware that his action is seeking one of the four goals of misbehavior;

• Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Display of inadequacy

No effective parenting will work long term unless the whole family works together to build a respectful and positive relationship.  Most families with a difficult child who appears rude, defiant and lazy have tried everything before recognizing that it is a family concern and can only be resolved by working together.

Be Kind But Firm

Have a family council and decide what kind of a family you want to be and how to achieve those goals.  Set reasonable consequences and make sure the whole family understands what the rules and guidelines are going to be.  Don’t worry about every little infraction, but instead concentrate on a few behavior issues that are disrupting the quality of family life.  Ask the children to draw the chore calender or behavior chart.  Help them to become empowered with their own place in the family.

Consistent Consequences and Expectations

In my experience, it is not that parents don’t love their children, rather it is the opposite.  They want the best for the whole family but often discourage positive behavior by focusing on the negative.  Follow through and be consistent and you will be rewarded by not living with a difficult child, but rather a good kid having an occasional bad day.

I have confidence in you.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: Another great resource is http://www.kidschoresandmore.com which will help the whole family work together so there will be more free time for fun activities.

Problem Kids  or Parent Training. Much like the age old question of which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  Many of the parents I see in my work as a family relationship author and trainer are not confident of their parenting skills and the children can sense their insecurity.

Those insecurities may stem from lack of role models in their youth, or that they want to over compensate for what they perceive are lacks in the family structure. They may feel that since there is divorce, financial problems, adhd or other problems, it is easier to let the children get away with being angry, spoiled and demanding.

Angry children make life miserable for everyone

Parents are Teachers not Friends

Perhaps it may be easier short term to allow the kids to be in control or disrespectful, but it will cause multiple life problems for everyone if it is not curtailed.

Parents are sometimes hesitant to talk about child behavior issues for fear of being judged by others. Many are not aware that most schools and many churches offer free or low cost parent training.

Children Need Consistent Boundaries

We all learn and behave better when we know what is expected of us and what is not going to be tolerated.  When parents meet together in groups and discuss behavior issues, they will find clues, tips and ideas from other families and the leader of the class.

Parent training is not so much about what you are doing wrong, but on reclaiming your power and understanding how to work with your children to achieve a more cooperative home.

Empowered Parents – Well Behaved Kids

As you discover more ways to work together with respect, you may actually see your child reacting with anger and resistance.  Stick to your guns. You are the parent and as the child sees that you are willing to change and grow in new ways, he or she will pick up on your behavior.

Change will not occur overnight and it may be a two steps forward, three steps back journey to a peaceful home.  Give yourself some “atta – boys” for recognizing that what your family has done in the past needs to adjust and shift in order for problem kids to turn into peaceful partners towards a more respectful relationship. You will also want to use some encouraging phrases on the family to keep moving forward.

I encourage you to go to http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com to claim your free eBook on effective communications.  You will be glad you did.

You will also want to check out this site if your problem kids are a danger to themselves or         others http://mytt.us/qkmsfhty The program is guaranteed and can transform your family.