Parents and mentors come in all sizes, ages, sexual orientation and skills.  Many children I have met are parenting their parents.  They have had to assume adult roles in order to give themselves and their siblings any sense of stability.

To be a member of a healthy and nurturing family requires an endless array of complex behaviors, forgiveness, sacrifices, and commitment. It requires that we be very careful of derogatory labels like ”thief” “lazy” “liar” for occasional mistakes.

Kids Need Role Models

Children are the world’s most precious resource. They are the reason that we keep going to work and coming home dead-tired and still find time to play catch. Parents and role models recognize that the children are watching how we live our lives.

The best security blanket for any child is the knowledge that the adults in the family respect him/her and each other.  The choice legacy a family can bestow is unconditional love and forgiveness.

Separate the deed from the doer.  For more guidance on parenting, please see my website for excellent articles, resources and aides.

Families teach us that we can survive the pain of divorce, mental illness, abuse, alcoholism, suicide, unemployment, violence and all the other stuff that happens in life. The functional and flourishing family is most productive when it has goals and values as a unit.

When your family is supportive and respectful of the rights and dreams of each other, it is a wonderful spring-board to life.

Not all families are this loving, respectful group of individuals.  Many are made up of selfish people who put their own needs and desires above the highest good for all.   However, in my work with families, I have found that some of the most emotionally resilient and happiest groups are those who have been made stronger by their trials and tragedies.

How Do Healthy Families Work

Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not all the time.

Dysfunction can be any condition that doesn’t return to normal after a stressful circumstance.  In an emotionally unhealthy home, problems tend to be ongoing. Sometimes for generations the coping mechanism or lack thereof, has been taught and modeled.

In healthy families emotional expression is not just allowed and accepted but encouraged. Family members can freely ask for and give attention. There is unconditional love but boundaries for behavior. Rules remain consistent, but with some flexibility to adapt to needs and particular situations.

Healthy families allow for each member to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored. When healthy boundaries and expectations of behavior are established and common courtesy is in place, all members flourish.

Cooperation and communication are effective tools in producing harmony and personal growth for family members.

Self-Awareness Quiz

1. Who was a role model in your family?  Who showed you love and forgiveness?
2. If you are not a parent, can you still influence and encourage children? How?
3. Do you remember a family that seemed emotionally healthy and happy? What did they teach you?

Thank you for being a part of this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all. Be sure and claim your free eBook at http://bouncebackfromanything.com You may reprint this article in your blog but please give credit to Judy Helm Wright, Artichoke Press.com

In today’s information age, parents are bombarded with tips, advice, and guidelines even before their children arrive in their arms. Everywhere parents turn, there’s another website, another friend, or another book pushing a different set of rules for how to be a good parent. Confusion is inevitable.
Trying to figure out the exact right way to be a good parent can become an obsession that obscures the real joys of parenting!
Trust Your Gut- But Get Assistance

Parenting is a big job! Listen and learn from successful families. Mentor your child to be a healthy, self-sufficient responsible adult.

You are the best expert on how to parent your child. But……….everyone needs tools to become a better parent and person.  If you grew up in a dysfunctional home or lack parenting skills, go to parenting classes, seek professional help or ask successful families that you know how to parent.
As a parent, you are more than a babysitter. To your children, you are a life mentor, supporter, coach, and guide. You do more than keep your child alive: you teach your child how to live. You are a specialist in your own lifestyle and have seen much of what works and a lot of techniques that are not healthy.
Don’t be shy about sharing your knowledge with your children! In our family, life always ran smother when we had family meetings and could discuss in a democratic way what was going on in life.  For an outline on Family Councils, see http://www.kidschoresandmore.com
Don’t Try To Be Perfect- Just Be Present
The perfect parent does not always have dinner on the table at six. The perfect parent does not always serve the healthiest option available. The perfect parent does not always know what to say. The perfect parent does not exist!
Families can do fine as long as the rules and boundaries are fair and consistent. If there is a foundation of unconditional love and forgiveness, then families will thrive, not just survive.
Rather than draining all of your energies as a parent in attempts to meet the standards others set for you, realize that the real answers to being a good parent lie within you. Spend time with your children listening and sharing and you will develop your own parenting style.
Mentor and Teacher–Not BabySitter

We are coaches, supporters, guides, and mentors to our children.
A football coach does not try to mentor children in French, yet many type B parents, encouraged by friends or media, try to teach their children to live a type A lifestyle. This is counter-intuitive and ultimately leads to frustration and confusion for both child and parent.
Like any other coach, mentor, or guide, a good parent teaches what he or she knows and admits what he or she doesn’t know.  You will be amazed at what your child will teach you.  They have a much less jaded prospective on life and can not only smell the roses but see the little Lady bugs.
Your best parenting style will be an extension of your own personal style.
Allow your personality, and that of your child, to guide you as you decide which parenting suggestions will work best for you. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Try new ideas. Reject the ones that don’t work for you or your child, and make the ones that do a  consistent part of your routine.

Self Awareness Quiz

1. What is some parenting advice that didn’t work for me and my child? What is some advice that did work?

2. What parenting methods from my past do I want to change or modify?

3. What are my goals as a parent?  How can we function best as a family?
Thanks for joining us today and sharing time learning new methods of parenting and family life.  This is the most important work you will ever do in your life. Enjoy your family and allow your child to enjoy you.
This article is written by Judy Helm Wright, life educator @ http://www.ArtichokePress.com You may have permission to use in your blog, ezine or offline magazine. Please keep contact information and content intact.

Thank You.

Auntie Artichoke supports parents, grandparents, teachers, day care providers and all those who love children. Thank you for your important work.

Hello From Montana:

When you speak to your child, can you count more negative or positive words coming out of your mouth?   Formal studies with learned psychologists have shown that it takes at least seven positive comments to undo a negative remark.   My own informal studies working with parents and families tell me that many of the hurtful things said to children by parents and teachers never go away.

Plant Positive Thoughts in Garden of the Mind

Our subconscious brains are like gardens and what is planted there will multiply and grow in our thoughts and actions. Children internalize the words and actions of adults that they trust and love.  If the messages you send through verbal and non verbal (body language) communication are negative or demeaning, the child will lose confidence in herself and her ability to affect her life for the better.

How does the child see herself when she looks through your eyes?  If you are giving out labels of incompetence, lazy or stupid, you can count on your child believing your assessment of her as a person.  If the message you send through your words, actions and attitudes is mistrust, disappointment, fear, worry or lack of confidence— those negative attitudes will slowly, but surely erode away the self esteem.

Example of Mother and Daughter

In my parenting workshops, I sometimes use the example of a mother and daughter with the daughter holding a piece of paper in her hand. Every time the mother makes a negative remark, demeaning comment or judgment about worth, the daughter tears a piece of the paper off and allows it to fall on the floor. When the mom makes a positive comment, we try to stick a little piece back on, but it frequently doesn’t stick.

It is a powerful visual reminder to parents to correct the behavior but not break the spirit of the child.

What Do You Like About Your Child?

How often do you compliment your child’s character strengths?  I challenge you to frequently ask your child “Do you know what I like about you?”

These are the qualities of the heart. The important parts of what makes a good person. These are the values to be celebrated;

• generous attitude
• helpful to others
• kind to animals
• dependable
• fair
• friendly
• grateful
• honest
• loving
• sincere
• trustworthy
• loyal
• truthful

Whatever character traits you recognize, encourage your child to look at herself with an optimistic attitude. Help her to affirm all the qualities she has that will help her in her life. Assist the self confidence and self esteem in children and help them to see themselves as empowered to not let outside influences determine their worth.  Hopefully, when your child holds up a mirror on her life she will see a strong, vital and worthy woman who is confident in life.

You are invited to http://www.ConfidenceClues.com

for even more information to empower your child to be self confident.

Your friend,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ConfidenceClues.com

Parents, ask yourself - Would you like to work for a boss who never complimented your efforts? Who only commented on what you had done wrong? Would it make you a more  loyal employee to receive positive feedback and encouragement on the things you were trying to learn?

You would be more willing to change habits or ways of doing tasks if your instructions were not always negative and demeaning.

The answer is no! None of us like to be in a negative environment where we are discouraged from trying new methods or ways of doing things. Being told  to do something only one way stifles the imagination and limits the use of creative freedom. Work can be fun if we feel empowered.

Many workplaces and homes do tasks in the same old, same old way.  It is not an adventure to clean closets or pick up clothes, but a drudgery and a habit to do it the same way. Giving the parameters of a job and then allowing the freedom to find new and better solutions builds confidence and independence.

Change Your Responses to Change Bad Habits

If your child habitually drops his coat on the sofa when he comes home from school and that annoys you,  have a brainstorming session with him and let him come up with new solutions. For every situation there are at least five solutions, so don’t get stuck using just one.

Give recognition for even the smallest of accomplishment as your child learns new skills and practices the old ones. Focus on the process not the specific task. For instance, “You are doing a better job with putting the bed covers on straight. Why do you think it is important to have the same amount of sheet on each side of the bed?”

You certainly are not going to compliment your child on every little thing he does right (even though statistics show he does 19 right to every 1 unacceptable act) but you are hopefully going to toss out encouragement words and phrases here and there on the days journey.

Positive Feedback Can Change Habits and Lives

Looking for something positive to give feedback on can change the attitude of the recipient. Positive encouragement has such great motivating power.  It should be honest and sincere or the child will think it is worthless and phony.

Encouragement focuses on the effort and progress made. Praise tends to focus on the finished product and only offered after the job is done.  Encouraging and positive feedback inspire children with hope and faith that they will improve.

We want our children to believe that the positive power behind them is always greater than the problem in front of them.

In gratitude for the important work you do.

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS:  Be sure to check out http://www.ResponsibleChildren.com You will be glad you did.

The problem with teaching tweens or teens manners is that parents frequently do it in a negative or critical way.  It is especially embarrassing to the young person to be corrected or nagged at in public or in front of friends.

Model Good Manners At Home

A young person whose parents treat everyone with respect, kindness and understanding are more likely to use good manners.  Rather than demand your daughter or son use good table manners, show them at home the correct way to hold a fork or pass the potatoes.

When you teach your child about rules of good manners in private and at a neutral (not heated with arguments or family fights) you will find the audience is more receptive.

Good table manners should be modeled at every meal. By establishing rules that govern polite interaction with others, you are teaching them to be aware of the feelings of those they associate with.  Simply be saying, “The rule at the dinner table is to enjoy your food and chew slowly, rather than gulping it down.”

Say Thank You and I am Sorry When Necessary

Your child is more likely to be aware of the feelings of others if you praise the good manners and then gently teach to the errors or mistakes.  When you encourage politeness, you are letting them know what the desired behavior is and it gives the positive reinforcement of the character traits, rather than specific tasks or situations.

If you are wrong, apologize. If someone is kind to you, say Thank you.  You child will be much more likely to do what you do, rather than what you say.

It is no fun to have rude children and in order to teach good manners, we need to use the “teachable moments” when they come along.  We want to be proud of the actions and intentions our children display in public and at home.

If you are having much more serious problems like lying, cheating, defiant kids or an out of control child, please go to a special website I have set up just for you.  You will receive a ten day e-Course on transforming for no cost to you.  You will be glad you did.

http://www.disciplineyesppunishno.com

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

We recently showed a rental property to a family searching for adequate and affordable housing. The mother turned to the child and said “what do you think darling, should we rent this house.”  The child shook his head and yelled NO at the top of his lungs.

Of course that is what most two year old children do. I was grateful they took the advice of their child (gimmee a break, people) and decided to keep looking.  It was pretty evident who wore the pants or diapers in that family.

Responsibility of Parent is to Lead

Many parents try too hard to be friends with their children rather than parents to them.  It is good to have a family where all members can be heard and acknowledged, but the parents job is to lead, teach and guide children.

It is actually scary to a child to realize that the power has shifted and he is in charge of the situation.  He, rightfully so, expects the adults to protect him and keep him safe. Firm, kind and loving discipline may not always seem like the most popular parental obligation. However, it is much more important to the child’s development than having another buddy to play with.

Children Should Challenge Authority

It is perfectly normal child development to test the limits, push the buttons and challenge authority.  Our job as parents and caring adults is to establish boundaries and assist them in learning personal responsibility.  The best lessons are learned through natural or logical consequences.

Assume Parental Leadership

The most secure children and confident adults have parents who recognized that family life was not a popularity contest but they were loved and protected.

You can’t lead and guide a child’s development by seeking his approval constantly.  You don’t want to say “Sweetheart, are you ready for bed?  It’s time for beddy by, okay?    You are opening up for arguing, whining and negotiation.

Instead simply make an announcement “It’s time for bed.”

I am excited to offer you a ten part e-course on raising responsible children free! I have taken the series and was so impressed I wanted to share with you. All you need to do is click http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

and a new lesson will come to your email box each day.

Have a great day with your children and remember you are the parent.

Fondly,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: Here is the site again for the free e-course on responsible children http://www.disciplineyespunishno.com

Understanding angry feelings and dealing with frustration

What to do with the mad that you feel? That is a question Mr. Rogers used to ask on his television show.  Why do we try to blame others when we get angry?  We all get mad sometimes. Children, adults and even animals get angry over some of the silliest reasons to us, but the reasons are important to them.

However, the anger over a specific incident is usually just the tip of the iceberg. There is almost always a deeper need that has not been met. Here are 5 reasons  why children get angry. I learned them at a parents meeting recently and they make sense to me.

I have put a suggestion or example of a problem that relates to the reason.  You may be able to come up with more concrete examples from your family.

Everyone gets angry and mad sometimes and parents can help themselves and their children handle these feelings by looking at the underlying needs. What is the real reason they are angry?

It is hard for children to learn not to hit or hurt others when they are frustrated.  But, parents can model acceptable behavior and encourage talking about feelings.  When there is a close bond, children are more likely to want to please their parents and make wise choices.

I invite you to claim your free eBook on using positive langauge and non verbal communication with friends, family and self.  Please check out http://www.useencouragingwords.com

You will feel that it was written for you. And it was.

With gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: Don’t forget to  go to to claim your free eBook and join our community of kind, thoughtful people.
http://www.useencouragingwords.com

As parents and children are preparing for back to school sales and worrying about what jeans are "in" this year, I want to remind you that I do Confidence Coaching. Please consider hiring me to help your child make this year the best one ever.

So here is what I offer:

• Once a week private phone coaching session with a non judgmental, supportive Auntie and your child (between ages of 8 and 18)
• Once a month over the phone or webinar mastermind session with other kids in the same age group.
• A copy of my workbook Building Self Confidence and the eBook Use Encouraging Words.
• twice a week emails and following on Twitter or text

Here is What it Will Do For Your Young Adult:
Skip

• Give them a coach in their corner who is not micro-managing their life.
• Knowledge that I am a "safe" person and friend. Their confidentiality will never be broken (unless they are in danger.)
• Teach them skills and techniques for making friends, getting organized, liking themselves and communicating with parents, teachers and playground politics.
• Give them an opportunity to relax and know there is no grade or pressure to perform, just a sounding board and guiding hand at helping them make their own choices and increase self esteem.
• Help them set up an Action Plan for the school year and beyond.

Here is What I Want You To Do Next:

• Talk it over as a family and decide how much it would mean to have a successful year without the stresses of previous years.
• All successful athletes, musicians and actors have coaches. I will provide the guidance, the young adult will provide the practice and follow through.
• Have the young adult phone me (set up an appointment at Judy@ArtichokePress.com) to see if they would like to have me coach them in some skills for success.
• Have the parents call me and discuss how much of the fee ($40.00 a session or $150.00 a month) the young adult will pay and how much you will pay.
• Understand that the contract to coach is between the young adult and myself, unless you, as parents would like family  relationship coaching.

If you need more information, call me at 406-549-9813 or email Judy@ArtichokePress.com

With best wishes,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com
http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com