Positive Friendships & Self-Esteem
© Judy Helm Wright http://www.judyhwright.com

Parents, teachers, caregivers, coaches and other caring adults are concerned with how to teach values and self-esteem to the children in their lives. They wonder how to foster positive friendships and discourage those that have a negative influence.

From the moment of birth, our children are soaking up and

Self-esteem and confidence begins at birth and continues till death. We judge ourselves through words and actions of others, especially family and friends.

Self-esteem, confidence and personal strength is gained by listening and sharing ideas with those who are in their “circle of influence.” Words that tell them who and what they are help them to form a self-image that will reflect their attitude towards life. Both positive and negative.

1. Be Available At Odd Times. Make sure your children know that you value them and will take or make time to share with them. If you really can’t talk right then and there, arrange a time and place and put it in your appointment book. Keep that appointment.

The best conversations we ever had were at midnight over a pizza. I am a morning person and it sometimes meant I had to have a nap so I could get up to visit when they came home from a date. It is also amazing what secrets are shared in a car coming home from a soccer game or middle school dance.

2. Make Your House the “Go-To House.” When you invite your children’s friends to spend time in your home, you create a safe harbor for many children who are afraid to go home. Make them feel welcome and try to get to know them and help them see how healthy, happy families operate. Include them in some of your family activities. Don’t worry about how much you are spending on groceries. Consider it an investment in the future.

3. Affirm Positive Friendships. Talk to your kids about their friends. Find out what they like about this friend. Help them to develop into the friend they would like to have. Rather than over-praise individual kids, talk about what a nice group of kids they are.

Peer pressure, along with bullying and drugs that frightens many parents. When your child is in a group it is easy to “group think” and make decisions, they would not normally do on an individual basis.

The more you know the other parents of your child’s friends they more they will have an extended tribe of adults who are looking out for their backs. Encourage group activities that are well chaperoned and with a purpose, rather than just “hanging out.”

You will want to go to http://www.useencouragingwords.com to claim your free ebook on confidence building. You will also want to join the community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all at http://www.judyhwright.com You will be glad you did.

Teach Acceptance-Build Confidence

©JudyHWright http://www.judyhwright.com

We all have weaknesses that are hard to accept. Parents, teachers and caring adults see areas that need improvement in children and want to help them build confidence.  The trick is to build confidence and acceptance without criticism and breaking the spirit.

As I have mentioned in previous articles and books, “Soar with Your Strengths.”

Determine which strengths are improvable, get to work on those and manage the rest.  For instance if your child is not good in math, but excels in woodshop, then do everything possible to encourage him in working with wood.  Find a tutor (high school or college student) to assist him in learning math in a way that makes sense for him.

The best way to build confidence and self-esteem is to find things we are good at and enjoy and do more of them.

Here Are Even More Ideas to Build Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem in Kids

Accept Imperfections — in Your Child and Yourself. Rules and high expectations can seem overwhelming to a child, who may not understand that you don’t expect her to be perfect.

One way to reassure her that it’s okay to make mistakes is to let her see you make them—and correct them or apologize.  To do so will model for your child that it is fine to be human and that mistakes are temporary teaching tools.  As we teach and model that mistakes are a part of live and that we can do better next time, it will be comforting  and not an excuse to blame others.

Use Punishment Sparingly. In my work as a parent educator, I have seen parents come down hard on a child for a minor misdeed or oversight.

Major punishment for minor misdeeds makes kids feel helpless; the result is more likely to be a power struggle between parent and child than in a lesson in how life should be lived.

Shame and guilt create confusion and self-doubt.  They are difficult and destructive emotions for all humans to overcome. If your method of discipline is shame, blame or guilt, please go to http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com for many methods that are more effective and don’t break the spirit of the child.

Take or Make Time to Listen. Sometimes it feels impossible to find time to uninterrupted moments to listen to your child.  It is essential for a child to get the opportunity to talk to each parent individually, especially in single-parent, blended or divorced families.  Communicate regularly every single day.

If it is only five minutes before bed, let your child know that time is special and you will not lecture, blame or threaten, but just listen.  Trust me on this one.  You will never be sorry that you did not dismiss a confidence sharing time in order to lecture about dirty clothes on the floor.

Self-Awareness Quiz

1. Do you accept that you will have areas of weakness and strength in your talents? Claim your eBook at http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com to help yourself and others be positive about life.
2. Will you build self-confidence in yourself and your children by concentrating on the strengths and managing the weak areas?
3. Will you take or make time to listen with your heart, ears and eyes when your child is sharing concerns?

About the Author

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, the storytelling trainer is an author of over 20 books. She speaks internationally on topics of resilience, family relationships and empowerment.  To contact her to speak for your conference or organization call 406-549-9813 or see http://www.judyhwright.com

Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem = Success in Life

© Judy Helm Wright http://www.judyhwright.com

Success in life, friendship, business, family dynamics and spiritual growth has self-confidence and self-esteem at the foundation.  People who have a confidence in their personal worth seem to be magnets for success and happiness everywhere they go.

As parents and caring adults you will want to share methods and techniques to build self-confidence with the young people in your circle of influence.  One of the most important part of teaching a life-skill is to improve the concept in our own lives.

Here are three more tips to help build self-esteem and self-confidence in your kids.

• Teach Them to Think for Themselves. If you continually tell them what to do and how to do it, they will be looking outward for direction and not learn to trust their intuition.  For every situation, there are at least 5 different and correct solutions.        If we always want things “Our way” they will stop trying to find creative solutions.  Critical thinking and problem-solving ability are going to be more and more important in the new economy.  Those who enter the world of work will need “soft skills” of interpersonal communication and building teamwork and cooperation.

• Give Them Roots. Much of our identity comes from the family stories and the foundation of ethics and standards that make us who we are.  We are a storytelling and story gathering species.  This is a crucial difference that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. We can remember, process and pass on information to the next  generation.                                                                                                                                                                                            All of us hunger to belong to a “tribe” who love and accept us.  By sharing the heritage, history and cultural background we give them roots and wings. If you need guidance on gathering, recording or telling stories, you will want to go to http://www.MontanaStoryKeepers.com

• Good Posture Shows Confidence. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self-confidence. Verbal communication is the language of information.  Non-verbal or body communication is the language of relationships.

People who slouch indicate they   aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t             consider themselves important. By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered.

We have a strong identification with our bodies.  However, it is amazing to see the effects of our inner thoughts on our outer appearance.  To develop high levels of self-confidence and self-esteem it is important to integrate the body and spirit in order to have success in life.

Self-Awareness Quiz

1. Do you find yourself drawn towards those who have good posture and non-verbal communication which indicates self-esteem and self-confidence?
2. When you hear family stories that exhibit courage and confidence, does it encourage your self-esteem?
3. Do you like to work with those who are critical thinkers?  Do you find them to excel in leadership roles?

You will want to claim your powerful eBook filled with encouraging words at http://www.judyhwright.com

Be sure to check out a new book about resiliency at http://www.bouncebackperson.com

3 Self-Esteem and Confidence Messages

© Judy Helm Wright http://www.judyhwright.com

Self-esteem and confidence is the most important contribution that a parent or loving adult can make to the life of a child.  The messages received in childhood can build or destroy the self-esteem of a child and they carry over into all interactions as an adult.

Self-esteem and self-confidence are the foundation on which most other personality traits rest and will do more to determine a child’s future than any other single factor.  No matter what economic status, culture or family dynamics are present in childhood, nurturing loved ones have the greatest impact on future life.

3 Tips to Share a Message of High Self-Esteem;

1. Help Them Be Attractive. Although we don’t want to emphasis looks too much, it is a fact of life that others are drawn to those that are attractive and well groomed.  Does that mean that you should have plastic surgery on your daughter’s big ears?  Absolutely not. It means that if she is self-conscious about it, then you can help her choose a flattering haircut.

Help them fit in, with fashion of their friends. This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.

1. Make eye contact. Poet Mayo Angelou says “Your eyes should light up when your child comes in the room.”  Without realizing it, we use eye contact as a primary means of conveying love, especially to children.  A child uses eye contact with his parents and care givers to feed emotionally.  The more the adults make eye contact with the child as a means of expressing their love and bonding with them, the more the child is nourished emotionally.
2. Practice Kindness and Compassion. We think of self-esteem in terms of empowerment, confidence,
   

   Self-confidence and self-esteem are built when caring adults and parents take time to give positive message of encouragment and love.

   courage and bravery.  Kindness and compassion have a softer side and so we don’t teach these characteristics as often by lecture, but rather by example and modeling. Use encouraging words in dealing with the spirits of those you love and those you come in contact with on a daily basis. Being kind is a very powerful way to make a positive difference in the world and to reflect in the gratitude of others.

Self-Awareness Quiz

• Do you recall the self-esteem messages you received from adults when you were a child?
• Did those messages build high self-esteem and confidence or did they humiliate and demean you?
• Do you use encouraging words in personal communication to build the self-esteem and confidence of others, including children? You will want to claim your free eBook at http://www.useencouragingwords.com

© Judy Helm Wright http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com

I am entered in a  Ultimate Blog challenge and so rather than work on two (or ten) important projects, I decided it  would be fun to repurpose an eBook I am writing for Kindle and Amazon.

It is titled 77Ways to Build Self-Confident  Kids and hopefully will be available within the month.

Especially if I post every day.

Meanwhile, let’s give you bite-sized pieces and get some feedback. I have neglected this blog to write a book, be in a movie and have a new marvelous grand daughter Autumn.

77 Divided By 31 is What???? 

77 tips on building self-confident kids - Can you think of other ways to increase self-esteem?

Since there are 31 days in January and I have 77 tips, it does not divide easily or evenly.  So some days I will include 2 and some days will see 3, 4, or 5 tips.  That will keep you on your toes and your eye-balls peeled in this direction.

1. Help them to help themselves. Dorothy Canfield Fisher (1879-1958) says “A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.” If you are still zipping their jacket in elementary school, will you go with them to college?

1. See them as capable human being. This is encouragement we all  want to hear from important and influential people in our lives. Telling a baby he is clever for rolling over, or a seven year old for zipping his jacket when it is cold outside are all messages that say “You are capable.”  Success breeds success and when you have instilled a foundation of confidence in the ability of the child to problem solve, they will be more willing to try harder tasks.

Self-Awareness Quiz

• Do you tell yourself and your children “Good Job” when a difficult task is accomplished?
• Did you know it is more respectful to allow others to help themselves instead of rushing in to “save them” and do the job they are capable of doing.
• How did your parents or other adults build your confidence as a kid?

About The Author

Judy Helm Wright aka “Auntie Artichoke” is an international speaker and author on resiliency and respect.  You will want to claim your eBook on Using Encouraging Words at http://www.useencouragingwords.com

You will be so glad you did.

Many of us are hearing the word “shift” in the news, at the coffee shop and at church.  The world is shifting by having earthquakes, hurricanes and floods. These natural disasters are forcing us to be aware of the environment and the changes that are occurring.  Our lives are shifting as we lose jobs, savings and homes in an uncertain economy.  Our spirits are shifting and our self esteem is rocking as we examine changes in our thoughts, feelings and deepest desires.  In order to enhance the new shifts to awareness in self esteem, it is important to speak with encouraging words and ask for what we want in life.

Decide What You Want, Not What You Don’t Want

Many people go through life in a default mode. Taking what ever comes along and not really asking for more. The biggest step in enhancing self esteem and confidence is making a decision. Seriously. All you need to do to feel stronger and more in control of you life is to make a decision with encouraging words and phrases.  Here are some samples;

1. I can do it. I know what I want and deserve.
2. I am a problem solver and find creative solutions.
3. My old patterns and habits no longer serve me.

Shift Your Thoughts and Change Your Life

Think about a small child that you love.  When they decided to give up crawling so they could go farther and reach more, they had to make a decision to start walking.  They fell down a lot.  They may have even cried and wanted you to carry them about.  You encouraged them to keep trying.  You knew that eventually they would master the skill and it would become automatic action.

That simple shift from all fours to upright opens all kinds of possibilities and opportunities for that child.  Things that were out of reach, suddenly can be grabbed.  Once they have mastered walking, running comes easier.

We Are Hard Wired to Succeed

Babies come into this world wanting their needs met and needing reassurance they are loved and valued. As a parent you want the best for that child. You go out of your way to encourage self esteem and success.  You and I continually parent ourselves.  This idea may be brand new to you, but think about it and see how you use encouraging or discouraging phrases often with your own self talk and thoughts.

Enhance your success and opportunities as you shift your thoughts and decisions into those that will serve your highest good.  Treat yourself with as much love and consideration as you would a small baby you loved very much.

Questions To Ponder

1. Would you say the things you say to yourself each day to a baby you loved?
2. How can you make a decision to change your inner talk to be more positive and encouraging?
3. Can you feel a shift in your spirit and body as you make a decision to enhance your self-esteem?
4. Can you see how many of the old beliefs and patterns you had in the past are not what you want for your future?
5. What decision are you going to make today that will make your life better?

I have confidence in your ability to encourage positive change and forward movement towards your goals and dreams.

Please know that I want only the best for you and yours.

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

http://www.ConfidenceClues.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Not only in Montana, but all over the world today children and teens are dreading the lunch bell.  Why?  Because they know that they will be teased, tormented and bullied when they are in a common area with other kids. Harsh and ugly words and phrases are hurled at the  child and usually in the presence of classmates, which is embarrassing. There are usually power struggles for “Queen Bees” and the “Wannabees” in girls and the “Alpha Male” in the boys. Teasing and  trading insults may be a way of getting acquainted or finding the group of friends who are friendly to the child.

Friendly and Unfriendly Teasing

If a child’s self esteem in grade school is dependent on relationships with peers, they need to learn to not take every remark as a personal insult.  Hopefully, you and your child can understand that teasing can be friendly or unfriendly.  Even saying a phrase like “Hello” or “Get out of here” can take on many different meaning with a change in tone of voice and body language.

Most communication is non verbal and so the child has to pay attention to not only what the other children say but how they say it.

Verbal Language is Exchange of Information

The words and greetings exchanged on the playground can often depend more on the mood and experiences of the speaker than on the one being addressed.  However, people in general and children in particular, tend to personalize anything that is said.  Helping them to interpret words and gestures to understand what the intent is behind the words.

Non Verbal Language is Communication of Relationships

Most emotional and relationship connecting people is nonverbal. So to understand other people the ability to read body language is huge.  Some children, because of their difficulty in reading other people’s cues (especially in groups) need to practice and role play interacting with others. Children also need to have confidence in their ability to like and be liked by other people.

Teasing on the playground will be easier to  interpret  by children who have gained some understanding that relationships bring pleasure and belonging along with the flip side of disappointment and frustration. Here are some non verbal cue and clues to help them:

Clues for Unfriendly and Friendly Teasing

Hostile facial expression                  Smiling facial expression

Sarcastic tone of voice                     Joking tone of voice

Fists, Arms crossed                           Hands open

“In your face”                                      Standing next to child being teased

Encourage Your Child To Problem Solve

When the child complains that they are being teased with hurtful words, the parents naturally feel the hurt as much or more than the child does. Be careful that you are not setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Teach them the skills they will need to help themselves. If  you would like assistance in encouraging your child, please go to:

http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

In support and joy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  Help your kids to assume personal responsibility for their feelings and emotions.   You will always be grateful and so will they.

PSS:   Be sure to take a look at this    http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

You want to be self-confident and you want to build that inner core of strength in your children and grandchildren or you wouldn’t have been drawn here. Something in those words resonated with your heart.

You have taken the first step on a wonderful journey that will help you to recognize and teach that you and yours are good human beings and worthy of respect and love.

Here is a small video you will enjoy; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaGbg3yKyuo

Even if you tend to see the negative or look at life with pessimistic eyes, it is possible to change your viewpoint. Becoming an encouraging person with an attitude of gratitude is a skill. It is not an overnight acquisition nor is it something that can be purchased. Skills take work and practice. They take a dogged determination to overcome obstacles in order to gain a reward.

It takes a process similar to improving any other skill you have conquered in your life. Think back on when you learned to ride a bike, play an instrument, or speak a foreign language. Who was it that taught you the basics and encouraged your efforts as you kept trying, even after falling off again and again?

Most of us want to play the piano, but not learn the scales and practice each day. Many wish they spoke a foreign language, but don’t want to take the time, money and effort to study.

It takes becoming and practice before it becomes a part of our being. Confidence in self and a positive attitude cannot be wished into being. It is a lifelong skill that requires commitment, time and consistent practice.

In order to learn any skill you must have a deep desire to:

1. Be aware and clear in your mind of the advantages in learning something new and incorporating it in your life.
2. Ask to be mentored or taught by someone you trust.
3. Learn the basics of the task or skill but don’t expect perfection right away.
4. Expect some setbacks and don’t become discouraged.
5. Set up a plan of action with measurable steps in order to reach an ultimate goal.
6. Focus on effort and use self-encouragement.
7. Move forward and do something every day to take advantage of momentum.
8. Enjoy the skill as it becomes automatic action and enhances your life.

Changing your outlook to one of encouragement and positive outcome will be a life skill that will not only affect you but everyone around you.

You are invited to http://www.encourageselfconfidence.com to read more about this process of building your self confidence and self-esteem.  You will be so glad that you took the steps to overcome anxiety and fear and step into the light.

Your Friend and Supporter,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker

Everyone likes to be praised, right? Actually,  too much praise can have a boomerang effect if the recipient of the compliment  believes it is untrue or unrealistic. It can also cause distrust or discouragement of other members of the team or family.

While praise may be of value, if the child or employee maintains a low opinion of himself or becomes dependent on the outside world to give him an external reward, he is constantly looking for external approval. Our goal as employers, parents, teachers and coaches is to encourage positive progress without unrealistic praise and assist in building inward confidence.

Recently a grandmother asked me on Facebook how to encourage without giving unrealistic and too much praise.

“Have you suggestions between praise and “too much” praise – i.e. “You really worked hard on that project” vs. “You are WONDERFUL” – which is easy to spout but really pretty meaningless. Today’s young workforce expects to be praised for everything vs. deserved praise or encouragement.”

My answer was:

Hi Jo Ann- You have raised such an important point. “You really worked hard on that project” is encouragement and it is praising the process rather than the task.  It is transferable to other tasks and attempts.  You are saying “Keep going, you are on the right path.”

When kids get praised for every little thing they come to expect it and feel they deserve it.  The world of work is not going to give them constant approval. They are in for a big shock when no one is going to applaud their every effort.  If the child has come to look for praise and external evaluation which must constantly be earned, he may be unsure when he will get it again. This causes some to fail or to sabotage efforts of others on the team in order to receive the coveted “praiseworthy” award.

This next generation of children coming up must be able to trust their own judgment and intuition.  They must be able to follow their own inner compass rather than waiting for outside approval.

Difference Between Praise and Encouragement

Praise is like a reward for something well done, and implies a spirit of competition.  The unspoken message is clear; “winner takes all.”  When members of a workplace, family or class are singled out for unrealistic praise, the others become discouraged and also lose faith with the authority figure.

In contrast, encouragement may be given for any effort or for slight improvement.  Encouragement is not concerned with superior-inferior relationships but focuses on making the child or employee understand they are a valued part of the team.

Self esteem comes from an inward knowing that you are a capable problem solver. The effects of encouragement and cooperation that builds respect for self and others have long range and lasting results.

I encourage you to claim your free ebook at:
http://www.useencouragingwords.com

Love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

http://AskAuntieArtichoke.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

As parents and children are preparing for back to school sales and worrying about what jeans are "in" this year, I want to remind you that I do Confidence Coaching. Please consider hiring me to help your child make this year the best one ever.

So here is what I offer:

• Once a week private phone coaching session with a non judgmental, supportive Auntie and your child (between ages of 8 and 18)
• Once a month over the phone or webinar mastermind session with other kids in the same age group.
• A copy of my workbook Building Self Confidence and the eBook Use Encouraging Words.
• twice a week emails and following on Twitter or text

Here is What it Will Do For Your Young Adult:
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• Give them a coach in their corner who is not micro-managing their life.
• Knowledge that I am a "safe" person and friend. Their confidentiality will never be broken (unless they are in danger.)
• Teach them skills and techniques for making friends, getting organized, liking themselves and communicating with parents, teachers and playground politics.
• Give them an opportunity to relax and know there is no grade or pressure to perform, just a sounding board and guiding hand at helping them make their own choices and increase self esteem.
• Help them set up an Action Plan for the school year and beyond.

Here is What I Want You To Do Next:

• Talk it over as a family and decide how much it would mean to have a successful year without the stresses of previous years.
• All successful athletes, musicians and actors have coaches. I will provide the guidance, the young adult will provide the practice and follow through.
• Have the young adult phone me (set up an appointment at Judy@ArtichokePress.com) to see if they would like to have me coach them in some skills for success.
• Have the parents call me and discuss how much of the fee ($40.00 a session or $150.00 a month) the young adult will pay and how much you will pay.
• Understand that the contract to coach is between the young adult and myself, unless you, as parents would like family  relationship coaching.

If you need more information, call me at 406-549-9813 or email Judy@ArtichokePress.com

With best wishes,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com
http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com